I(38F) and my H(39M) are arguing about sex. Been together 10yrs. We have kids. My bladder is pretty messed up from the births. I’ve been to the Dr. They said do some pelvic floor therapy and kegals and it’s something I’ll have to live with or get a costly surgery that may not even work. Usually I wear a pad or panty liner and can empty my bladder before sex and it’s fine. Lately I’ve been sick with a cold for two weeks. Coughing a lot. Which has caused a lot of leakage so I wear a bigger, bulkier pad. This is beyond embarrassing to even write. Imagine how I feel when I’m supposed to be sexual with someone. I don’t feel sexy. I don’t feel in the mood because all I’m thinking about is if I’ll leak, if I smell, etc. My husband is a very sexual person and he’s basically mad/unhappy he’s not getting anything. I find this really offensive, coercive and shitty. It’s not something I can control. I can’t imagine if the roles were reversed if his penis stopped working or he had an issue similar I wouldn’t make him feel like shit about it. I’d understand. Take care of myself if I needed etc. I’m afraid this is going to break our marriage. Other than this our marriage is good. It’s gross when he tries to put his hand down my pants in the morning and there’s a urine soaked pad there. I’m so embarrassed and emotional about this.
25 comments
I dont have a ton of advice besides lume body deodorant, possibly an emsella chair series, and a quick note that I had a urethral sling done due to an injury and it changed my life (I can do box jumps, jump on a trampoline etc). I went to an informational seminar on incontinence and the sheer number of older people that are placed in nursing homes due to just incontinence was enough to scare me into taking action. My insurance covered all of it.
Also, coercion is sexual assault- dont let anyone tell you otherwise. See a therapist with your spouse.
I’m so sorry. Your husband is acting absolutely insensitive and in an extremely derogatory manner.
You have nothing to feel embarassed and/or guilty about.
I’m sure you must have tried to speak to him, and it’s distrubing to see that he’s not understanding the situation.
I hope this situation settles for the two of you, and worst case, if this leads to your relationship falling apart, I send you a lot of strength and positive energies.
It’ll only ruin the marriage if your husband lets it. There is absolutely no reason why he should be getting upset with you because you’ve developed a medical condition after giving birth to both of your children.
He should respect when you say that you don’t want to have sex for a bit because the issue worsened due to a cold. He can wait. I do recommend that you talk to a therapist because what you’re dealing with shouldn’t be embarrassing or shameful.
Go see a urologist. My friend had these same issues. She got surgery to repair it. No issues at all anymore.
And it worked great btw. Her insurance also covered it.
Acting mad or grumpy when he’s not getting sex has got to be a complete turn off. He has control over his actions and needs to grow up and deal with this like an adult.
As far as being embarrassed, don’t. This is that “in sickness and health” part of marriages. At some point, we will all be dealing with parts that aren’t so pretty and it’s our choice to be loving and adult about it.
I had a friend who’s bladder was falling out through her vagina. Sex was non existent for a while until surgery. He wasn’t as Ass about it.
1.) Your husband needs to cool it and develop some compassion. This is a MEDICAL ISSUE. It is EXTREMELY common. It happens to BOTH men and women for all kinds of reasons. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of. That said, it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant as hell! Ask him how he would feel if he were incontinent due to prostate surgery and you kept trying to get him to have sex with you regardless of how unclean and unsexy HE was feeling.
2.) For the love of God, don’t follow your doctor’s orders and just do some kegels and hope for the best. Pelvic floor physical therapy is not one-size-fits-all. You need to go see a PT who specializes in PFD and incontinence and have them examine you to determine what your specific problem is. They can absolutely help you, to the extent that you may not even need surgery at all. I’m serious, these people are incredible, and they help people like you every single day. It may be useful if you were to engage with a sex therapist as well on your own, and eventually with your husband, provided he wises up.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! But don’t be discouraged. Help is out there, real, effective help.
Your husband should show more patience and empathy here. His actions are f*ckin gross! There’s no way I’d even bother my SO if she had these issues going on.
The issue that’s going on with you and your health should be prioritized in trying to correct it. His d*ck is the last thing you should be concerned with. Tell him to go handle his own business until things get better. Period.
Each marriage is unique as are the dynamics as are opinions when asked on an open forum.
Reading your post I may have missed it, does your husband really know or understand what’s happening?
I’ll only offer my own personal experience. After two births my wife began to experience everything you’ve written about. Sure I had noticed she was constantly wearing a pad. I knew something was up, I didn’t ask, but she’s a very private person, in time she would talk.
Previously she’d explain that she wore them because if she’d sneeze or coughed some pee would release.
It took a few years before she told me what was actually happening. I don’t remember the medical term but she had developed a weak bladder. She did seek medical help, there is/was a procedure that can be preformed which could improve the release of urine. At this point she’s decided not to have the procedure, and that’s ok.
Our sex life did suffer. She’d decline because of the same reasons you mentioned. Like most men i too enjoyed having sex, I thought it was me.
Once she was honest, I was disappointed she didn’t tell me sooner, I would have been a hell of a lot more supportive. But once she did, it answered so many questions, and offered an opportunity to work together to solve such a personal problem.
She felt she wasn’t sexy because of this, wrong, but it’s what she felt not me. She has a routines, getting ready for work, going out at night or sex. There’s nothing I can’t do to make it easier for her. Hopefully you’ll find this will be true with your husband.
Your husband is being an asshole! You’re sick. When you’re feeling better and not coughing, your sex life will go back to normal. Tell him to watch porn and jerk off and leave you the hell alone!
Shower sex?
Please ask for a referral to a [urogynecologist](https://www.voicesforpfd.org/about/what-is-a-urogynecologist/). They specialize in women’s pelvic floor disorders and if PFPT isn’t helping, you may have damage that can only be fixed with surgery. Surgery has helped tons of women, and should hopefully be covered by your insurance.
Poise makes a tampon-like thing called “Impressa” that helps prevent leakage. Give this a try while you wait to get seen with a specialist.
Sounds like your husband is being selfish. Putting sex in higher priority than how you feel and even potentially your personal health? If you haven’t already, voice your concerns with him. If he can’t understand, it’s likely a much larger problem. Him not being happy when he doesn’t get what he wants is a big red flag IMO.
Your husband needs more compassion. You shouldn’t feel pressured into sex.
And
It’s unreasonable for him to have a marriage without intimacy. From his perspective there is a surgery you can try and you aren’t. That is communication to him that you don’t value his needs.
It is a hard situation. You both need to have a respectful heart to heart. You are going to need to accept that you might leak and that he is ok with that or try for the surgery to improve your quality of life. Is there a good specialist around you that may have better ideas?
Your husband needs to be respectful in voicing his frustration but this isn’t a sustainable situation for a marriage
Please visit a better pelvic floor physical therapist ! Incontinence can be due to many things : muscle weakness/ pelvic tension/ and pressure management problems. They can help you determine the root cause of your incontinence. There are many great resources that can help you get started at home while you wait for an appointment with a pelvic floor PT. I had incontinence too and it was bad after giving birth, I couldn’t even walk without leaking. I found a good pelvic floor PT and did an online program , and no more leaking. Incontinence is more common than we think, but people are typically embarrassed to talk about it. You can get better and enjoy yourself ! Stay hopeful ! There are many solutions that don’t involve surgery !
Does he find you sexy? Maybe its not an issue for him?
We sat down and talked and he said we can think of other ways to show love to eachother while we figure out the next step to fix my pelvic floor. I’ll go to a urogynecolgist. I hadn’t thought of that. There’s so many different Drs it’s confusing where to go sometimes.
For the time being how about inviting your husband into the shower for a raunchy shower session.
I work in urogynecology! There are less invasive options we can do in the office from lasers to bulking procedures which do work. In addition our most common outpatient procedure takes us no more than 30 minutes and is 95% effective and is also covered by insurance. Feel free to DM if you have questions!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it’s actually very common. The stigma around this needs to stop and should be talked about more bc it’s like 1 out of 4 woman will go through this. Don’t worry about your husband, if anything, he still sees the beautiful sexually attractive woman he married. Our bodies go through a lot to bring our healthy babies into this world and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for that. You’re still sexy, and now you’re a squirter (sorry 😬) you’re husband will get a big head for that lol
If the roles were reversed and your husband needed this surgery or your children- would you say its costly and therefore we can’t? Or would you say we’ve tried the exercises and doctor says surgery is the next step, but it might not work so… sorry hubby no surgery for you! I think we as mothers often put ourselves last. Your role in the home and family is vital and your health needs to be prioritized as such.
There are two issues here.
1. Your husband’s response.
2. Your reluctance to find a workable compromise and/or a solution.
You wrote the doctor gave you exercises to do. You did not write about how that’s been going, how long you have been doing them, how frequently, etc.
Which leads me to believe you aren’t doing anything except feeling sad for yourself and ruminating on the problem until you are overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.
Oh, I feel you. My stress incontinence started at about the same age. Any OBGYN that I talked about it with just said “kegels” and left it at that. Heavy eye roll. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding. My bladder doesn’t fully empty.
The one thing that’s helped me is exercise & losing weight. Stretching my legs & strengthening my core has helped immensely. Kegels are great, don’t get me wrong, but childbearing loosens all of those core muscles we didn’t really appreciate before. I still have to wear a pad, but not the diaper sized ones.
I just want to give you a hug. My husband and I were talking tonight and I opened up about how I had felt for a long time after giving birth. Basically just damp, leaky and disgusting. It’s a yucky feeling. I can understand how you’re feeling.. I have definitely pissed myself when sick/sneezing before, after having kids and it’s just so embarrassing. But the truth is, our bodies have been through a lot. It’s hard to talk about this stuff with a spouse, but it shouldn’t be. It’s not so much that you don’t want to be intimate, but it’s hard to enjoy sex when you feel gross. A shower doesn’t necessarily fix it either. I don’t have good advice, but I hope you could talk about it and he could listen. I know my spouse has said he doesn’t think I’m gross, but if all I can think about is feeling dirty then it’s an unpleasant sexual experience. That should matter. I understand that lack of sexual intimacy can be frustrating too. Is it the need to get off? Are there other things you can do? Or is it a need to feel wanted or need for physical touch? And again, are there other things you can do. There has to be some compromise somewhere in the grey.
Have a conversation with him explaining you don’t feel sexy because of your medical issue. Tell him you are working on getting help. Don’t take kegals as your answer to this issue, but instead get a second opinion. This really can be fixed.