2 months ago I found out my wife of 20 years cheated on me at an event with a co-worker. I chose to stay and am working to repair the relationship. The wife of the other person involved also knows and I feel the urge to contact her. I’m not sure what I have to gain, if anything, but if there is one person in the world that I feel for its her. I just want to talk as she understands the situation better than anyone ever could. Perhaps we can support each other?
I know this is going behind my wife’s back as it would be without her knowledge.
Can any one offer any advice to help me with the decision? Has anyone done what I’m thinking of doing?
39 comments
[deleted]
[deleted]
What do you expect? To drink wine and cry together? Become trauma bonded besties? It’s a hard no.
Thank you for the reality check people. My life has been turned upside down and I’m struggling to make sense of it. I have no clarity of the situation or decisions I make. Thank you for the advice. Its helped.
You made the decision to stay and work out out. Please give the affair partners spouse the same agency to make a decision.
if you have no outlet to tell, like non mutual friends. then i would recommend you find a therapist because they are someone you can tell everything and anything to and they won’t judge you for any of it and it is probably going to be helpful for you to say things to the therapist that you may not feel comfortable saying to anyone else
Contacting may reveal more than what your wife has shared… I’m just saying.
If you feel that you want to empathise with the OBS, then I think it’s ok to simply reach out and say that you hope that they’re doing well. However I’d caution that you don’t know how she’s dealing with it. Your message may be taken in the spirit of kindness but at what cost to her?
If you do contact her, you should definitely tell your wife. You could discuss it with her, and you could perhaps take her opinion into account. However at the end of the day, you are the one healing and your wife needs to understand that unexpected consequences are part and parcel of reconciliation.
Oh, absolutely. Do it after you’ve served the divorce papers.
What would happen if you and your wife had a meeting with her and her husband? Maybe everyone needs some clarity in this situation, as well as establish boundaries for the future. Having a neutral third party there might help as well. And a videographer so we can watch the movie. I’ll bring popcorn! Seriously though, it could be very cathartic, or go extremely upside down.
Does your wife still work with the coworker?
There would only be one reason to contact the wife of the other cheater and that is to let her know she is being cheated on. She already knows this, so there is no reason to contact her.
>I just want to talk as she understands the situation better than anyone ever could. Perhaps we can support each other?
If you need to talk or you need support, find a therapist. Do not bother her with your problems, she has enough problems on her own.
Don’t, she has her own shit to deal with, she doesn’t need your trauma dumping on her.
You chose to move on, then act like it. If you can’t move on, then start working towards the exit. Contacting that person is selfish.
Fuck yes, also leave you fool
>I know this is going behind my wife’s back as it would be without her knowledge.
Why does that matter
You deserve to be with a cheater if you stay with a cheater.
Yes, she deserves to know
If she’s already aware of the cheating and you decided to stay with your wife to work things out, there’s no reason to contact her. You should get a therapist because otherwise you’re going to set yourself up to commit an emotional affair.
Might be good to compare notes and say what you know and see if she has anything to share.
If your wife and affair partner are still working together, it’s going to make reconciliation harder. What has she done through her actions to prove she wants to earn back your trust and respect? I
I’m sorry you have decided to stay and put yourself thru more pain
Definately contact AP’s wife , you said it was a one time thing , that is obviously unlikely and a conversation may give you more insight into what was actually happening.
Ew, don’t. It won’t help either of you. You’ve made your choice to stay, whether people agree with you or not. If she already knows, she gets to make her decisions too and doesn’t need you and your feelings on the matter to add to the load.
I was conceived in this exact type of affair—of course it wasn’t “just once” and it wasn’t at some event—my mom and bio dad basically had a full relationship only…ya know, in secret because they were both married🥴 both my dad (the one who raised me) and my bio dad’s wife chose to stay married to their people but never once did they speak to each other. When I found my bio dad it became clear to me that one of the terms of their continued marriage was that she would not hear about me—and that was her choice. I can’t imagine the pain it would have brought either of them if the other had tried to made contact.
That is a terrible idea.
Can’t you approach her with you wife knowing about it?
I would only approach if you know she is staying with her husband; if she left the marriage she doesn’t want to be reminded.
100%
I would contact. You said “going behind your wife’s back,” buddy she straight stabbed you in the back when she cheated.
If they know about their partners infidelity, then there is no reason to communicate with them.
Bonding over this is not a good thing if you are wanting to continue with your relationship with your wife.
No, but you should tell your wife to find a new job with the implicit threat of divorcing her if she doesn’t.
Any issues you want to work out with this woman can be done with a therapist. Why do you need her understanding?
That’s a horrible idea. All you’re going to do is rehash your hurt and hers. If you need someone to talk to about it I suggest a therapist for yourself and a marriage counselor for you and your wife. Affairs don’t just happen in healthy marriages. From experience learning how to communicate with each other is vital, especially after an affair. But what doesn’t help after an affair is going behind the other person’s back to do anything. It further sews the seeds of distrust.
no. You need to deal with your marriage and stay out of the other. You’d be stirring up shit and making yourself more miserable in the long term. Unintended consequences need to be considered.
You want to make things work?
Cool.
What is your wife doing to make things work?
Leave her. Forgiving a cheater shows them that their actions have no consequences.
I would talk to her if it were me. Is want to see if there is more information that she has that I don’t.
You should absolutely compare notes with the wife, because the version of events your wife told you (or the version of events her husband told her) may not match up.
As far as “going behind your wife’s back,” hah. I dare her to try that line on you at this point. Obvious response is “at least when I went behind your back it was to TALK.”
Leave her man. She decided 1 minute of dick was better than 20 years of marriage
Kinda sounds like you want to revenge bang her. I mean what would you guys talk about?
” It sucks they did this”
” Yeah it really hurt me”
what else are you gonna to talk about? I think you are feeling like you wanna get back at your wife by emotionally connecting with the wife of the guy she slept with. You said she knows, leave it at that.
Why would it be behind your wife’s back? If this is what you need to heal, she just needs to suck it up. She’s the one who wronged you, she’s the one who needs to right the wrong as best she can.
If you’re gonna do it, be honest about it. Your marriage is already suffering from terrible betrayal. It doesn’t need any more dishonesty.
How about instead of contacting a stranger and ripping all the wounds back open you contact A THERAPIST. You have no idea what reaching out to this woman will do to HER. You’re giving as much care and consideration for her feelings as your wife and her husband gave the pair of you. Do better. Leave her alone. Seek professional help.
> I know this is going behind my wife’a back as it would be without her knowledge.
Like what she did to you?
No you shouldn’t and you shouldn’t be asking advice for something so serious from Reddit teenagers
Do you know for a fact that she knows, and that this isn’t a cover up to save the affair partner’s marriage?
The answer to that would drastically change my answer. I’ve seen it happen both ways.