Does anyone else get bothered by it? It throws me into fits of depression and such. Probably why I’m gaining all this weight. Idk.

P.S. Yes I see a therapist.

43 comments

  1. The only issue I have is I wish she would pursue charge of rape against some guys.

    But in terms of other things she may or may not have done. Nope I don’t care. She is who she is now and I love her

    Seriously using the block button at the moment. So many trolls

  2. No it doesn’t bother me.

    I think having an issue with a partners past stems from Insecurity. It’s good you are speaking to a therapist.

  4. You can’t do anything about their past. Just enjoy their present and future. Don’t forget: they chose you!

  5. Rarely ever even think of it.

    I met my wife in a religious dating environment where it was reasonable to assume the people you met were virgins. She told me 2-3 months in that she wasn’t. Incredibly hard for her to do as it was clear we were moving toward marriage & she had reason to believe it could be a dealbreaker.

    I asked no questions. She clearly regretted her sexual past & I just listened & let her say what she needed to say. She had obviously given the conversation a lot of of thought. She didn’t tell me a number, just that she’d only been with people she was in a relationship with. No FWB or one night stands.

    I gave it some deep thought & prayer for a few days and continued dating and eventually married her (obviously, lol)

    The reason I kept dating her was because regardless of her past views on sex, she had since ,before meeting me, come to have the same views I did and was living it. What was important to me is not where she had been, but where she was now. That she had gotten there before meeting me was important too because it meant she was genuine about it. Not simply changing herself for me.

    It was also meant a lot to me that she was open & honest about it. She cared about me enough to risk losing me over something she knew was important to me, rather than ignore it and hope for the best. I think that would be a bad strategy.

    At the moment I decided to keep dating her I made a promise to myself to never bring it up, never mention it. And I never have in 19 years. It almost never even crosses my mind. When it does it doesn’t bother me.

  6. Not at all. My fiancé had a fascinating life before me and I love hearing about it and giving him a little tease now and then. In his twenties he had multiple girlfriends who all knew of each other and thought it was cool. I’m glad he got things like that out of his system and maybe I’m kinky but I don’t mind hearing about his “glory days” they aren’t really in his life now and I’m pretty secure in our relationship. He doesn’t bring it up most the time I do because it’s silly and meaningless. Doesn’t matter who was first, matters who is last. I have a two carat ring in my finger and they are just memories so I’m not bothered!

  9. My husband was married once before me and is a reformed bad boy. I hardly ever think about any of it 🤷. Because that’s what it is, his past – not his present and not his future, and it all made him the man I fell in love with.

    I had an ex in the past who was extremely insecure about that I had sexual partners prior to him when I was his first. I never tried to hide it from him and never cheated, but he never let it go, and his insecurities led me to grow to resent him because no matter how he felt about it, I couldn’t change my past (and I didn’t regret those relationships and hated how judgy he was). One of many reasons the relationship ended.

    I’m glad you’re seeking help about this and hope for the best for you.

  10. I wish that I could have been his first, and that he didn’t have a sexual past sometimes. But I also know that if things were different, we may not be where we are today. I think a bit of jealousy is normal sometimes, but not to the point where it puts you into fits of depression. Are you talking to your therapist about this? It may take some time to work through, but as long as you’re getting help, that’s the important thing.

  12. I feel like you’re a troll? Your post history doesn’t make any sense like it’s so back and forth and odd.

  14. Yep, I try my hardest not to think about his past…but it can sure creep in my mind sometimes and I fall into those mental movies that make me upset.

  15. You get bothered by her past and I have to wonder if she getting bothered by you in the present as you seem to want to blame her for your problems?

  16. I didn’t care about their past but I was wrong, so wrong. My ex wife was wild in college and I knew it but she said she chose me and I stupidly believed her. We dated, we’re exclusive, engaged and married. Total time together was approximately 4 years. On our 1st wedding anniversary she went out for a run before we went out to celebrate. She was gone longer then usual so I went looking for her. I found her in a park holding hands with another guy. Typical cheater, it was only held hands, then only kissed, then over the clothes petting, then under the clothes petting but no sex. I got pissed and surprised her with a polygraph. Polygraph truth, 5+ guys since we were dating, oral, anal, PIV, cnc, threesums, moresomes, gangbangs and many more things, almost none of which she ever would do with me. When confronted with the results, she didn’t deny anything and later told me it was just sex and to get over it. My second go around I was engaged to be married to a woman that was extremely promiscuous in college and after by her own admission. 6 months before getting married I learned she was cheating with coworkers and at least 2 ppl from her last job. She openly admitted everything when I confronted her. Her reasoning was that she never Fk’d anyone I new and that it was only sex. Both thought that sex was nothing important and only did it for their own fun. With both, we had discussed being monogamous when we were exclusive, and then engaged but since sex meant nothing to them there was no way they could, or would be monogamous. Now I care about prior sexual history and openly told my current SO how I felt and that any lying, lying by omission or being deceptive about her sexual past would end our relationship as soon as I learned of the truth. We spoke in detail about both our pasts and are moving forward with our relationship

  17. it bothers me if i think about it too long but i always remind myself, we weren’t together and we really didn’t know each other. i think i just wish he was my first and ONLY and he wishes i was too /-: but im glad we met now because we were idiots back then. we probably woulda ruined our relationship if we got together in his early 20s.

  18. It bothers me a lot that she wasted 18 years of her life growing up without me but since we’ve been together 38 years I’m getting closer to forgiving her for not meeting me sooner.

  19. I don’t care about my husband’s past. He talks about it a lot. I CANNOT bring up mine without him flipping shit so I haven’t said anything. He did meet one of my ex’s that went to my granny’s house after I got back from my deployment (which was when my husband was like 🙈🙊🙉

  20. Kinda. My husband brought up having sex with his ex before me and all that. It made me uncomfortable but I just shrug it off. I can’t change the past and i can’t change someone. I stopped letting it affect me and if my husband fantasized about other woman I can’t stop him. I can just let him have those woman and go on my way. It’s more freeing and healing this way.

  21. I love my wife’s past. If her exes weren’t assholes she wouldn’t have been available for me. I’d buy them a beer.

  22. No. My spouse and I both have pasts but what we have together is is unique to us. Each person you meet evokes a different response from you so every interaction is as different. If you are happy together, you should focus on those things and understand that what you two have is solely your own. Previous experiences should enforce how good you have it now and make staying here easier. Your experiences should tell you the grass is seldom greener elsewhere.

    My spouse and I know these things and have spent the last 13 yrs building new memories and capitalizing on the very strong love we feel for each other.

  23. It’s a funny thing you know. When we apply for a job one of the first things they ask is our history. This is important to a boss. Try apply for a loan. The bank really does care about your history. Should this apply to your life partner who you will share everything with?
    Now my take is this, you should have worked this out before a relationship. Not far to bring it up now.
    Maybe the person did porn, only fans, tinder and is known everywhere as a good time person, maybe is a criminal, pervert, anything bothersome but this is the stuff you work out before but don’t dwell on anything if you decided early on that the past is ok with you.

  24. Did they hide it from you before they committed to you. If they didn’t then you have to let it go. The past is just the past. The only issue I will have with someone pst if they decided to omit information from you. This act takes away your right to make a choice yo be involved with a person or not. It doesn’t even have to do with a promiscuous history. It can be drinking problem or anything. Your significant other should inform you of their history so both of you can decide if this a relationship you would like to pursue or not.

  26. I never get jealous of it. I know she did a lot of stuff with her ex fiance like anal and such. From what she tells me he got her to do a lot of things but it was by pressuring her. For example she doesnt like porn but he pushed her to watch and I guess reenact what they saw. That doesnt bother me because when she tells me about er ex and the two other guys in her past it sounds like she was pressured to do these things. Her two first sexual encounters sounds much like sexual coercion and assault and the relationship with her cheating ex sounds like he pressured her to do a lot of things even tough from what I understand some things she did want to do.

    It has taken years for her to start doing some “wild” things with me and I am happy that she feels safe to do that. Like when it comes to anal. We were having sex one day and she brought up anal as dirty talk. And she said “Do you really want to do it?” And I said, of course. And then she said:”Why dont you just stick it in?” and I told her” Because I dont want to hurt you”. And she looked so moved by what I said. Which I thought was so weird but then I realized that her exes probably just did what they wanted with her without really asking her for consent. That was like 2 years ago. Some months ago she willingly and enthusiastically started to ask for anal herself. I have never put pressure on her because I want her to feel safe. And I am glad that I can be the safe person she needs that wont pressure her to do sexual things. YEah so no it doesnt bother me.

  27. I’m not bothered by it. My wife made questionable choices when she was younger. Dropped out of college, ran up her credit cards, did all sorts of drugs, had two kids with a loser she met at a rave. Now she’s a PhD level scientist at a major pharmaceutical company, I love my step sons as my own and we just had the most amazing baby girl. We are ridiculously happy and I am so proud of how far she’s come. She’s an inspiration and I’m so lucky to share my life with her

  28. I honestly don’t care about my spouses past. Are necks were not meant to see our asses. It’s to look forward. Everyone of us have a story, if this bothers you it’s most likely your issue and not his. Life is about living in the moment. Not wasting energy and space on things that are not necessary. I’m sure you love him. Just continue to love him and communicate. Can’t change the past🤷🏻‍♂️ If his past involved harming or abuse with you I think that’s relevant

  29. I was in your shoes once. I experienced a lot of what I now understand as “cognitive dissonance”
    For whatever reason. Those anxieties got flipped around and the eventual coping response?
    Well. I’m shocked to say it turns me on now.
    In order to deal with it my brain eventually dropped all the insecurity and fell in love with her past. Now I love hearing about all the crazy dirty things she got up to before me.

  30. Well, we did have to get a restraining order against his ex. That was kind of intense.

  31. Nope, never cared never will. She was a whole person before she met me and anything she’s done before my time is, sincerely, none of my business, she did whatever she did and for whatever reason she had at the time. It’s not my place to question her decisions because those have no effect on us now.

  32. Not at all. It was shocking when I first found out, but I already decided it didn’t change anything and I liked who he was, including the experiences that made him so awesome.

  33. Sometimes in moments of high anxiety or if I’m having confidence issues. My wife is my first. I don’t know what number I am for her but frankly it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters to me is that she’s said she feels the most sexually comfortable and safe with me and compliments how our bodies just match. Once I get over the intrusive thoughts of her past I use it as motivation to continue to strive to be the best lover she’s ever had by doing something like spending hours learning a new technique.

    Since she’s my first, she’s the best I’ve ever had (but also technically the worst, haha). It’s nice to think about the first time I had sex or did ABC and look over and see that same woman sitting next to me who I love with all my heart. I got lucky, and if her past was any different we may not have ended up together and I may not have been so lucky.

  35. It happens when they’ve had an exciting, colorful life and you maybe didn’t. I get very envious of it but maybe I wouldn’t care if I had experienced similar things too.

  36. We’ve talked about exes and stuff but never asked each other for a list or a number or anything

    So no we have no issues with each other’s pasts whatsoever

  37. Doesn’t matter to me. I told her I just don’t want to hear a number or any stories about stuff she wouldn’t do or try with me. The rest are fun and funny stories.

  38. We haven’t spoken about our past i.e sexual partners. My husband prefers it that way.

    He only knows about 1 of mine. I split up with my ex 18 months before I met my now husband. My ex had a habit of ringing me when he was drunk and I would usually be with my now husband at the time.

    The only thing I regret about my husbands past was his reliance on hard drugs. He is now clean and Ive never seen him take a drug in his life (except cannabis occasionally), but from what he told me his time taking it really did a number on his mental health – for which now he is paying a heavy price.

  39. I was bothered by a few pf the really immoral things my husband had done. He confessed rly creepy things to me from before we were together, swore it was because he was so intoxicated he didnt know his left from his right and he was spiraling. that he knew what he did was wrong and would never do it again. any time I thought ab it I just reminded myself that he was a changing man and pushed it out of my mind. Him having a sexual past – the moral parts anyways – never bothered me. Im religious and I think when that stuff bugs you its the devil trying to get in your head to ruin your marriage. My brother in law has dark nights where he just remembers that my sister slept with her high school boyfriend, it bugged him so much he almost didnt marry her and gave her crap over it for yrs. hes not my favorite bc he let that insecurity hurt my sister when it wasn’t her fault he was bothered by it.

    We’re separated now and Ive realized the rly immoral things though, he told me to manipulate me/bond us, and he has continued participation in them. horrifying. guess thats why my gut gave me those feelings I ignored. I could never convince myself he was a good person, I guess because the whole time I knew that he was just faking change. my conscious had no idea though.

    what kind of past is bugging you?

  41. You just posted about how you can’t help your hands off your wife. Now you’re blaming her because your depressed and gaining weight?? Which is it? I don’t care about my husband’s past, I have one too. All we can do is look forward to the rest of our lives together.

  42. Nah, we talk about exes and past relationships pretty regularly and we don’t care, I’m even in polite texting terms with my ex.

    We met when we met and by then we had both had a life before. We’ve been considerate, loving and faithful since we met. I don’t care about his past because well.. I won 🙂

  43. I’m glad you see a therapist. I would find it very strange if my husband was bothered by the fact that I had a life before meeting him, and I would be sad if he didn’t want to know about it. This goes both ways.

    It’s not necessary to describe your ex’s genitals in detail or anything – but the fact that one has had other relationships and experiences (or not) shouldn’t lead to *depression*.

    edit: from your post history, it seems that you got married as a virgin after knowing her for one month, after attempting suicide when you found out that she wasn’t a virigin just a few months ago. I would sincerely suggest that you keep seeing your therapist and talk about your mental health.

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