As the title goes. Today I ran to the grocery store for maybe 45 minutes and I came home to my wife just seething, pissed off and mad at my dog and I. I know I should say “our dog” but she wants nothing to do with him except for when he’s being sweet and cute to her, then she calls herself mom. I’ve had this dog longer than I’ve even known her. We had two dogs, and she ended up getting rid of hers when she discovered she was pregnant because she couldn’t handle the stress from two dogs. Fair enough I guess? I wasn’t a fan of the decision but it was her choice. She’s never been happy that I kept my dog since she’s been pregnant, but my dog is just as much of a family member as this baby will be. I made a promise to look after my dog and never get rid of him, because you can’t just adopt dogs and dump them off when things aren’t going your way.
Anyways. I keep this dog out of her hair as much as possible. He comes to work with me everyday (I work construction) and he’s constantly played with and taken care of. She doesn’t let him outside, she doesn’t feed him or she doesn’t give him water or play with him. Nothing. It’s an agreement we’ve come to in order to keep my dog and stay together. She almost left me once because I put my foot down and said no to getting rid of him, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she tried to leave me again this week because of today. Before you say anything, yes I know that’s incredibly toxic.
I made a mistake today by not bringing him with me to the store (he goes everywhere with me so he doesn’t have a chance to bother “mom). And now she’s already saying I should consider a new home for him or she will leave. All over him crying a bit, she can’t stand when he whines. Her thing is she will not tolerate a dog that stresses her out when i’m not home (he doesn’t listen to her because she won’t work with him because he’s ‘not her dog’) and this is why he does everything with me. She’s super irritable. She works from home two days a week and I stopped leaving him home those days because she has melt downs over him PACING. Probably a good thing he comes to work with me now because pacing probably meant he was bored.
What should I do? What shouldn’t I do? He’s a great dog and I can’t think of anybody that doesn’t love him except for maybe her and her parents. Her parents also have two dogs and those dogs don’t do shit. They live in their garage, don’t get exercise and don’t get to come inside so I could care less what they think of my very active, spoiled and high energy dog. I hate that she gives me ultimatums like this “it’s me and the baby or the dog.” I think ultimatums in relationships are sick and incredibly toxic. He’s a very well mannered pup just a bit high strung, but that comes with the breed (german wirehaired pointer). I stand by my original commitment to keeping him forever when I got him before I ever met her. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
TL;DR Wife wants me to get rid of my dog because he annoyed her today. He goes everywhere with me and does everything with me, I made a mistake by leaving him home today. I wont get rid of my dog over a minor inconvenience. What do I do?
33 comments
[deleted]
She sucks. I don’t know what to say. I kind of hate your wife.
I wonder what will happen when the baby whines. Don’t give up the dog. If she gets her way in this you will never have the right to your own opinion ever again. If she has to go over the dog then let her.
Idk man the choice is yours, a dog that loves you to death and wouldn’t trade you for the world, or a toxic wife
Sadly I think once the baby comes she will use the baby as an ultimatum. Good luck. She sounds like a lot to deal with.
Sounds like this dog is going to end your marriage at some point. And you’re going to end up with split custody of your kid.
Your wife is entitled to her feelings, I suppose. Regardless of how much they suck and how unreasonable they may be.
You should start preparing yourself for her to actually follow through with that ultimatum. Figure out what you’ll do if it comes to blows. Because I think it will
I feel bad for your future when she threatens to leave you over God knows what else.
Darn, I went back to reread the header. Because if she wasn’t pregnant, I would have said instead of the dog, you need to rehome your wife.
Honestly, I’m not having any sympathy for your wife.
Being pregnant doesn’t make her the queen of the universe. She needs to take up yoga or meditation and learn to relax.
I hope this works out for you.
Yeah, your wife sounds like a pretty toxic partner.
I brought a dog (Husky/malamute/German shepherd) into my relationship with my husband with the understanding and agreement that she would be an active part of our lives for the rest of her life.
A year ago, my husband decided to keep a puppy (who happens to be my girl’s grandson) that I’m the main caretaker/trainer of because my husband is the sole provider for our family and gone at work during the day 5 days a week.
(I don’t mind this at all; this puppy, although SUPER mischievous, is an amazing dog and we both adore him.)
Nine months ago, we tried for a baby and were blessed with an immediate pregnancy.
As far as we’re both concerned, both our dogs are just as much established members of our family as our baby.
I’m really sorry, OP. You’re making the right decision standing your ground.
The only reason I’m not saying rehome the wife is because I suspect she won’t treat a child any better than she treats pets, and your odds of getting custody are better if you can show you’re the primary caregiver (which you’re likely going to be if this is just her, and not her hormones going nuts). I have no idea how you fix this, you can’t really make someone not be an asshole if they want to be, except maybe temporarily on a surface level if you have leverage.
The only exception here is if this is super out of character for her, and pregnancy hormones are just really doing a number on her. Pre-partum depression is a thing, and if that might be the cause she needs to see a doctor about it.
I’m really on the fence. You really should have put expectations in place before getting pregnant.
From her perspective, she is pregnant and having to live with an animal that is overwhelming her and her hormones are on overdrive. So she comes off as a complete bitch. She took what she thought was the responsible action of rehoming her existing dog when she believed that she couldn’t handle during her pregnancy.
From your perspective, she is being unreasonable and demanding that you abandon a family member.
I don’t disagree with you, when you adopt a pet, you adopt them for their whole lives. You make them a promise to care for them and your SO wants you to break that promise.
I would focus on compromise. Ask your SO what the issues are. Is she having auditory stress, is she having trouble with mobility or morning sickness?
Your SO sounds like she doesn’t feel heard or supported. And you are focusing really hard on how she isn’t being an engaging pet parent and how you are just keeping your dog away from her.
Work to take away barriers to success. If she is having issues with loud noises, try noise canceling headphones. Morning sickness can really drain you and make simple tasks feel impossible. Work on finding something that will help settle her symptoms.
I’m not saying that she isn’t a toxic bitch, but I can say that stress and pain can turn really nice people into total toxic bitches.
Once she starts to feel like she can manage more, have her keep treats with her (chicken/Turkey) and when the dog is around her have an obedience routine that they can go through. That will help them bond.
Don’t push her to take on too much too fast, the treats will help their interactions be positive and might help the dog calm down and stress less when out of your sight.
Last thing, if your dog is with you practically all the time, it might be having separation anxiety when you leave it at home with her. Especially if they don’t have a real bond. That kind of stress for both of them would be uncomfortable. You may need to work on that separation anxiety.
If she can’t handle the dog whining, I’m genuinely afraid for your baby in the future.
Going to be honest – I would immediately divorce someone that rehomed a pet like that. They would be receiving papers, whether it was their dog or not. It would show me exactly how they view anyone they see as “inconvenient” and make me wonder what happens if I get sick or need their help.
Up to you how to handle it, but I could never stay with this type of person.
Also…..
> I hate that she gives me ultimatums like this “it’s me and the baby or the dog.”
This isn’t how it works. It’s her or the dog. The baby is split custody once born, based on court decisions. She’s being manipulative. Are you ready for her to pull this crap the rest of your lives?
She is pregnant. Hormones change mood and can make you anxious, and for some reason the dog is getting her stressed.
Why don’t you focus on that rather than rant against your pregnant wife? Why not find a solution? Is the dog the only thing that’s making her anxious or are there other things too? Can she talk to her OBGYN if she is getting anxious? Can she work with a therapist to find ways to calm down?
Also, the dogs of your MIL/FIL are totally irrelevant here.
And a dog pacing for 8 hours while you work can be a pain in the ass! Maybe she is having some issues with noise, etc., and you should read on hormones. Is she neurodivergent?
You chose to scramble your DNA with this woman? How is she going to handle a whiny kid if she can’t handle a whiny dog? Keep your dog. You made a commitment. Knowing just how she and her family treat their dogs disgusts me.
Preface: I hate living with dogs. I love other people’s dogs, but I do not want one in my home.
That being said, (Providing that your analysis of your dog’s behavior is accurate and not like other dog owners who justify bad dog behavior as “cute” or “personality”) your wife is a huge asshole. You have given her the opportunity to learn how to be an alpha to the dog and train him to respond to her. You take the dog out as often as you can. She was upset from the dog whining a little??? Your well-behaved dog is not the problem here.
If she actually issues the ultimatum, get a lawyer and make sure you get a fair custody agreement and child support schedule. Maybe get the papers printed and offer them to her, in case she wants to change her mind about the hill she is choosing to die on.
What you shouldn’t have done was gotten this woman pregnant.
Other than that, idk. Your dog sounds like a good boy, but your wife sounds like the type to push him into protecting himself so she can say he’s violent.
I don’t know why you did this to your dog. I hope there’s some explanation I’m not seeing, because right now, dude, why the hell did you continue this relationship and get her pregnant knowing she hated your dog?
I would never even date someone who disliked my dogs, let alone have a BABY with them. Because here’s the thing – as much as I love dogs and would lay my life down for them, I know human children come first.
So what are you gonna do? It IS your child or the dog, now. You missed your chance to pick between the wife and the dog.
(Edit; you also shouldn’t have married her. That was dumb. You obviously love her more than the dog though, so maybe it’s time to move on)
Is she aware that babies are not perfect angels? Or toddlers? Or teenagers? What will she do when they are acting up?
While I am fully on your side of treating pets as family until they leave this earth, I’d be even more concerned about how she’s dealing with the minor “inconveniences” (if you can even call them that) of having a dog around. And not just that, but a dog y’all have had for *a while*. If she’s about to have a baby, she’s in for a HELL ride tending to 24/7 needs, nonstop noise, messes, fluids, and all kinds of shit while sleep deprived. I mean, yikes. How are you seriously expecting her to handle that considering how she’s treating an existing family member (the dog) *and you*??? Plus a baby is not exactly something you can “take backsies” like a pet. I’d be highlyy worried about how she’ll take on being a new mom and what else she’ll decide she can just throw in the trash just because it’s “annoying.”
Editing to add: Hormones are one thing, yes they can make you emotional and irritable and have an outburst here and there. They are NOT an excuse to be an insufferable, cruel, threatening asshole to your entire family. Do NOT let her use that excuse, she sounds like the type to try it.
I would make sure that my dog stays under my control at all times. Do not leave him alone with her. She can’t deal with him at this point. Good luck! I hope things settle down once your chld is born.
If she finds a dog distressing how will she handle a baby? Idk she doesn’t sound very empathetic or patient I’m surprised you’re having a baby with her.
She sounds like one of those people that will want to get another dog when the kids is about 3 so they have a puppy to grow up with.
As soon as it’s not a puppy she will also hate this dog.
I wouldn’t get rid of my dog. My two cats and my dog were with me all the way through my pregnancy and care of my baby with me including the cat sleeping next him. I would tell her the dog stays.
I don’t even like dogs and I hate your wife lol
I would call her bluff and start the divorce proceedings. I’m dead serious. Her response is way beyond the pale she is showing an unwillingness to compromise which I’m sorry this is a death sentence in relationships. If she comes back and says “Okay I’ll tolerate the dog” I would seriously consider asking her to go to therapy as my ultimatum because her response to this indicates something is not quite right. Maybe it’s anxiety not sure. I would tell her I’m extremely concerned about a future together given her response and handling of the whole situation. You want peace in your life not walking on eggshells for the rest of it.
She can’t even do the most basic things for a dog and is about to have a baby? Fuck man good luck with that disaster.
Honestly, the worry I would have is the reality she will likely find children ‘overstimulating’ as well.
She seems to have a very limited capacity to deal with stress. She lasted 45 minutes, even hormones factored in, and that is kind of absurd. Adding to that how readily she gave up her own pet when it got pregnant and… well, that’s not good either.
You focus on the dogs and breeds and etc but is it really limited to that? I find it impossible to believe her lack of coping skills doesn’t bleed into other areas.
Your wife is terrible, maybe you should rehome her instead.
If she can’t understand that you love your dog like kin I honestly don’t even know how you manage to call her your wife… I would never let anyone take my dog. And I commend how rational you are in this absolutely insane domestic situation you’re living in.
The real question is, do you love her and why? Doesn’t sound like she has redeemable qualities as a human being.
Wait is this the same guy who posted about his Corgi mix that runs away weekly and bites his wife?
Did your wife have an issue with the dog before she got pregnant? If not it sounds like your wife has developed a pet aversion. There’s actually a lot of women who will suddenly hate/become annoyed by their dog when they become pregnant.
https://manypets.com/us/blog/pet-aversion-pregnancy/
https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/xpx81s/pregnancy_made_me_hate_my_dog/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
https://www.reddit.com/r/Dogfree/comments/an7a8v/hating_dogs_while_pregnant/
Why did you stick in crazy?! Damn… I told my SO that it’s my cat first then him, he don’t like it he can leave my house that I own. She will use that baby as ultimatums and you are stuck with her for 18yrs. I feel bad for the dog and that poor kid’s future.
FFS the baby is going to be 10x worse than having the dog around! Infants cry for everything because everything is a new experience and crying is the only thing they know how to do. And has she ever changed a poopy diaper? It’s not fun, it’s disgusting! It’s the last thing you want to deal with when you’re tired. And getting woken up constantly isn’t fun either. Is she going to want to rehome the baby when the baby stresses her out????