my partner won’t initiate sex, but will often masturbate on their own.

how do i tell them that this makes me feel unwanted?
i feel as though i’ve tried initiating, but they never seem to get the hint? should i just be blunt about it?

it’s really hurting my self-esteem and sex drive at this point.

4 comments

  1. How are you trying to hint at things? At least personally, I’d say being straightforward is a much better approach to initiating.

    As for how you tell them about how you’re feeling, it doesn’t really need to be any more complicated than “hey, can I ask why you don’t really initiate sex with me?” and then working on solutions from there. Mention that it makes you feel unwanted during that conversation as well, if you feel you’re not getting the message across of how important this is to you

  2. My wife’s libido crashed after she got on Celexa (an SSRI) and a blood pressure medication (beta blocker). She has no idea why she no longer initiates, why she now strategizes to avoid sex, why she now feels it’s fine for her to stimulate me, but not the other way around, etc. So she can’t explain it. But we both know that a tiny amount of chemicals in your brain can completely screw things up. Hormones, psych drugs, blood pressure drugs, recreational drugs, the list goes on.

    This came on suddenly nearly 40 years into our relationship. She’s working with her doctors now to undo the catastrophic damage that they caused trying to treat other issues.

    So your partner may be as clueless as to why they are acting this way as you are. Hopefully you can figure out what happened. Good luck.

  3. Talking is all you can do here. Without judgement from either side to either side especially yourself. It probably has nothing to do with you in a bad way. But if someone comes out guns a blazing saying “I’m really hurt by you because I’m disappointed in our intimacy.” That’s going to lead nowhere that’s just a judgemental statement that is begging for someone to get defensive.

  4. I’ve been there girl. A non initiating partner made me feel unloved and that’s the worst feeling to have with the person your are meant to be with. I got through it with lots and lots of communication and 0 I repeat 0 hints. You will just have to tell your man what to do until he figures it out. This is because he does not fundamentally understand what he is doing wrong.repetitive communication bud key

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