I’ve always been socially anxious, and I never have much to say. Most of the time my conversations are basic and bland because I don’t want to say the wrong thing.
I mixed with both online and real friendships…neither really work out, and I am kind of surprised my online friendships have been failing…I used to be good at it.
Talking, even for a little bit, takes a lot out of me, I could be thinking/regretting anything for hows or days, especially some social ques I screw up on because I wasn’t expecting it and I already decided what I was gonna say, if anything at all.
It stresses me out, especially at work, but other than that…I am just tired of trying. I am tired of putting effort into a relationship just to get no where, be forgotten, or left as an outcasted friend.
I never get anywhere, and I am just tired of trying to make friends, it feels really weird…because I used to get depressed about it and dream of having a few friends…and now…I am just thinking it isn’t worth the effort. I am happier just keeping to myself…because even if I get a “high on life” from a new friend…that ends quickly and I am stuck alone, depressed, and sad that we never got to a point where they would care to see me again.
This happens way more than any happiness I got from any acquaintance, and I am just starting to think…I just want to stop caring about others…stop caring what others think of me…and if my quietness affects my life that way I’ll deal with it. It is much less exhausting then making friends. It changes my priorities and it allows me to accept loneliness, myself, and the things I enjoy. The only ones I try to focus on now is family, and that’s it.
But…this feels weird…almost depressing even though I think it shouldnt…does anyone else think like this? My whole mindset feels cold and uncaring in order to accomplish this. I’ve always initiated things, and now that I am not…it definitely feels more lonely with no one talking to me, but at the same time, if they want to talk to me, they can put in the effort…because I don’t want to care any more about what they thing, how they feel about me, etc.