does anyone else get this? after i (F23) spend a couple of days with my boyfriend (M30) i come home absolutely drained and sooo bummed out. there’s nothing bad going on between us and he is a super chill/low energy person, i think it’s just like a dopamine come down or burn out from socializing (but i don’t get this with friends). it seems like when i leave he goes right back into his regular life without a problem, how do i obtain this? it eats up too much time and feels shitty to be exhausted for the rest of the day. it never lasts longer than and day before i get myself back on track and start enjoying my solitude. it seems like spending one night together is ideal for me and i’m not left burnt out, but it’s hard because sometimes we want to spend the weekend together! it also makes me worried that if we were to start spending more time or living together i would perpetually be in this state.
TLDR feeling super burnt out when my boyfriend and i part ways after spending substantial time together
2 comments
Are you spending a couple days somewhere other than your home without a break? Does it require travel time to get there? Are you spending a couple days consistently together with no individual time?
If I’m reading between the lines correctly, I’d guess the answer is that you’re spending entire weekends together without any interruption (even couples that live together usually have some time apart in their days), that you’re spending time away from your own space (think about it like coming back from a busy vacation and needing time alone in your home to recharge), and maybe even having to put in work to travel to be in the same place, have the right groceries, build a routine in his space or have him constantly in yours, etc.
It might be worth asking yourself if you’re actually living the lifestyle you’d live if you lived together during these weekends and weekdays. For example, my partner and I have been together a long time. On a weekend I may go for a long run, hit the gym, have dinner with a friend, go on a solo hike, etc. and vice versa. That doesn’t mean we don’t usually spend considerable time together, but it does mean that time is broken up with each of us living our lives. Even little stuff like him cooking us dinner while I put away laundry and watch a movie upstairs means we are in our own spaces at times. Are you actually getting that? Or is it the two of you doing everything together for the entire weekend?
I’ve experienced this, and I think the reason for it just clicked for me when reading your post. When I’m with someone else, I tend to be focused (maybe overly so) on making that person happy. When suggesting an activity, I think through what the other person would like to do, not just what I would want. When speaking, I’m mindful of whether the other person finds the topic interesting; I’m not someone who babbles or blurts things out for my own entertainment. I’m mindful about being polite about, e.g., not messing up the way the other person keeps things if I’m a guest in their home. I find it rude to be on my phone, taking calls, tuning the other person out, etc., even if we’re just sitting around. So to sum up — at some level I’m not completely relaxed around company and don’t feel free to just do whatever I want. It’s not that I’m unhappy around other people. But it does get draining after long periods and then when I’m alone again it feels like a big absence where something’s suddenly missing.
As the other commenter said, things do change when you’re living together full time. Because it’s way more natural to be in the same space but also doing your own things and not “on” all the time. Maybe try to incorporate some of that now — feel free to suggest what you want to do, or that you need 20 minutes to make a phone call and space out, etc.