Due to an overly detached method of parenthood and an emotionally abused childhood, I grew up trying to be the perfect child while undermining all of my emotions. I was never praised for my achievements (of which I have many, I know it sounds arrogant but this is only for context) just told to do even better next time and if I failed, I would receive the verbal lashing of a lifetime.
19 years later, I am a selfish cynical who is afraid of emotional intimacy and uncomfortable with physical touch. To make things even more pathetic, lately, when I pretend to be mentally ill, it’s oddly comforting. That’s terrible isn’t it?
Yet I crave for someone to understand me and love me, but due to my underdeveloped emotional intelligence, I can never put my feelings into words.
This has led me to be a faker. I can act friendly and even charming at times, but in truth I am very lonely. Because of this, any attractive person who shows me the least but of attention, I give my whole loyalty to them, in case of women I fall in “love” with them.
And when these people undoubtedly get tired of me, I feel pathetic and get engulfed by the most useless emotion ever, self pity.
It’s just a rambling of thoughts and these words don’t have any proper structure to them but I really don’t want to feel this way. Any advice?
I am a male and 20 years of age.
1 comment
therapy would probably help. Also lots of meditation.