My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months, all of them long distance. She’s in Europe and I’m in the US. We’re both in our early twenties and in university. We were actually best friends for many years, then we stopped contact for a while. Then last summer I bumped into her when I was visiting my hometown (where she lives) and there was an instant spark and reconnection. We both fell in love really quickly and all our memories came flooding back. She promised that she’s never been so sure about something in her life and that she’s fully committed to making it work. I promised her the same. I know I want to marry her one day. So it’s been great the last 6 months even with the distance, we plan on closing the distance this summer for a couple months before going back to uni. We both know that we’re all we want and we’re gonna work towards a future together even if it’s hard. I trust her fully and I know she would always be loyal no matter what.
Recently, things have been getting a bit dry and distant. We’re both busy with our lives and we understand that not everyday is gonna be amazing. I understand that there’s a honeymoon phase and eventually it’ll fade away into a normal relationship. Although the insecure part of me felt like she was losing interest or getting bored, so I tried to communicate with her how I felt. I told her things have been feeling distant lately and I’m worried that she’s losing feelings. She instantly reassured me that she wasn’t and that I’m all she wants, she just felt down and stressed lately. She apologized over and over that she made me feel like that she was losing interest and assured me she still loves me. And that when she chose me she knew it would be forever.
So I’m happy with how the talk went, I’m just really guilty about how it made her feel. She felt so sorry and guilty about it, and when I mentioned being distant she got confused and didn’t know what I was talking about because she didn’t feel like she was being distant. To her, everything felt normal. She struggles with anxiety sometimes and she’s told me it’s really hard for her to open up, or to believe that she’s worth being loved by someone in the deepest way. She doesn’t always feel like she deserves love because she had a rough childhood, so she gets distant sometimes. She said she’s not used to being romantic so it’ll take time for her to open up.
She started crying when I talked to her because of how it made me feel. She felt really guilty about it. She’s been dumped in the past for being too “difficult” or hard to deal with, so she struggles with her self worth and always thinks that there’s something wrong with her. When she was crying she said “why am I like this, why do I do this to people I love.” I told her that I’m not blaming her for anything at all, I just wanted to communicate because of my own insecurities. I told her that nothing she does will push me away from her and I’ll always love her for who she is. I just wanted to clarify and make sure everything is ok between us. She still felt bad about it. We both said I love you and moved on with the conversation.
I just hate how I made her feel so bad, I don’t want her to think that she’s a difficult person. I assured her many times it’s not her fault. She’s sleeping right now and I kinda want to send a message telling her I didn’t mean to upset her and it’s not her fault, but I don’t wanna be needy and keep talking about it. I guess I just want to ask if any of you guys have been through this, and would you have approached it differently? How can I make her feel better?
**tl;dr** I communicated with my gf that she’s been feeling distant lately, and she reassured me she loves me but she felt really guilty afterwards because she wasn’t aware I felt that way and she didn’t mean to hurt me.
2 comments
Don’t apologize for voicing your needs/concerns. That is not something to be sorry for. Her reaction was a little over the top. While I understand *why* you don’t need to be trying to make “amends” when you didn’t make a mistake.
If you can’t communicate with your partner without them losing it or breaking down, *they* have the problem – not you.
She’s distant because she’s distant. Just end it and tell her that if she ever gets back to your area to look you up. You’re wasting your time and should be dating other people who are near you.