I know male redditors encourage women to ask men out first but personally I give up. I am a really direct person and don’t like beating around the bush so if I match with a guy on a dating app I’ll typically ask them on a date within 10 messages (I perfer getting to know them in person anyway). Almost always they say yes and either two things will happen: 1. Trying to set up the date becomes like pulling teeth and they’ll either end up ghosting or breadcrumbing or 2. I plan the date and we do it but then they’ll expect me to plan and ask them out on every single date moving forward. I even got into a relationship with one of these guys and I was miserable cause I would beg for him to plan something and he would always say he would but never actually do it. I feel asking a guy our first changes their perception of you and it’s almost like they think you’ll want to take the lead in the relationship so if they are dominant they’ll ghost me cause this is unattractive to them, but if they are more submissive they’ll keep seeing me cause they like girls who take the lead. The most fulfilling experiences I’ve had is when a guy asks me out first and I let him plan the next couple dates and then after that I start planning and suggesting things. Do other ladies relate to this?
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Yeah if I ever have to message a guy first or ask out, it’s because he’s not actually that interested
You just described the male dating experience.
This is literally the male dating experience. You now know somewhat know what if feels like to be male and feel unappreciated. Like 90% of relationships are guys planning everything.
i can relate. i don’t mind asking out guys or planning a date but i don’t want to do it all the time. also if i’m keeping on with it, what to do, where to go, boom, i’m a bossy gf.
> I’ll typically ask them on a date within 10 messages
Ouch! (not a lady or female of any description)
If he has any possibilities at all, book a quick coffee meetup (leave “dating” til later).
You can assess someone in 5-6 seconds in person, let alone ten minutes over coffee, better than weeks of texting conversations imo.
You just described my whole dating life as a male lol. Tbh i dont care if im expected to always ask out first, i think what most men would like to see is women approaching IRL or atleast show more obvious intrests. In my whole life ive been approached like that only twice and tbh both times i was so confused on whats happening i thought they were trying to mug me lol
The last few guys I went on dates with were passive and I had to pick the days and places and times. Definitely a little frustrating but I don’t mind doing that. One of my new boundaries is that I’m not a texting buddy- I want to meet. I had a guy reach out to me for a second chance and I’m still running into the same thing. Passive behavior so I totally feel you
Most guys who say they want women to pursue dates with them are just tired/scared of rejection.
They think women have it a lot easier than men because all they have to do is respond to guys.
However, as a man we never stop to think about being put in a position where you have to say “no” to people who approach you when you’re not interested in them especially on *in person* situations.
Women typically have to use “direct rejection” when dealing with men they’re not into.
Men get to use “indirect rejection” by *choosing* *not to approach women* they’re *not* interested in.
Ghosting has become so popular because lots of people dread having the rejection talk.
Some women give up on dating apps because they are bombarded with messages, and it requires too much energy and time to reject and screen out guys they’re not interested in.
From a male point of view, we think it would be great to get a ton of women pursuing us.
We never stop to think about all the ones who may want to date us that we’re *not* into.
***”The grass is always greener on the side you water.”*** – Neil Barringham
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Your first mistake was listening to redditors
>I know male redditors encourage women to ask men out first but personally I give up.
While the neckbeard stereotype is obviously an exaggeration, I’m sure the average male Redditor is more introverted and insecure than the average man out in the world. And they’ve convinced themselves that women approaching them would be desirable because it would be “easier.”
But “easy” is not what fuels passion or romance or intimacy or compatability. And in the vast majority of cases, I think relationships work out better when the man takes the lead.
So, your personal experience isn’t surprising. And centuries of romantic conventions would suggest your results were predictable.
As a man, I officially give you an honorary realmanship for experiencing something similar to the male dating experience.
yep. when i was single i never asked guys out because most men will go along with it even if they aren’t that interested in/attracted to you, because you’ve made it easy and they’re hoping they might get laid. once it stops being easy (i.e. you expect them to initiate or plan something) they stop caring and things fizzle.
instead of asking guys out from apps, after 10ish messages i would be like “so are you just gonna be my pen pal forever or are you actually going to ask me out for drinks?” if they hadn’t already initiated. worked great! but i always made them plan the first 2-3 dates, i would offer suggestions of course but something very important to me in a partner is someone who can take initiative and plan. now i’m with my boyfriend (we’re both september virgos) and i couldn’t imagine an easier relationship, because we clearly both are competent adults and equally really liked each other from the beginning.
Say something like “so when are you taking me out for drinks? 😉 “ and then it’s up to him to ask you but you’ve already given a nudge
Men are just as burned out as women and everyone is afraid of risk coupled with actual in-person rejection. Something’s got to give.
OMG this is so relatable. I’m a woman who has had basically the same experience and it’s so fucking frustrating. I know I’m attractive physically and personality-wise, I have always had plenty of people saying that. But for fucks sake zero men ever pursue me, I’m always the one doing all the pursuing and planning. It’s so frustrating, even in past relationships – it was always on me to set up all the dates and such. It got to be such a turn-off after a while, I got so resentful and fed up. Idk what advice to offer you but I’m all ears if anyone knows ways to actually find men who care enough to do some courting.
Yeah I definitely feel this! I went for it in person a few times, and they were all in relationships. Caved and downloaded dating apps after 2 years off them, asked 5 guys out on a date within the first hour of chit-chat. All of them pressured me into sex on the first date and then basically treated me like a hookup (after I made it very clear in each case I wanted committed and serious). Now I’m just focusing on forming up some decent female friendships, I give up on men.
Just to let you know, just because the guy approaches you dosent mean he is necessarily interested you.
Fuckboys approach you not because they like you but because they are good at the game. They say the right words and do the right things to get them laid before peacing out. They know exactly that many women are deluded to thinking making the first move somehow means they are confident and attractive, and use the woman’s delusion as their greatest weapon.
Other people approach because they treat dating like a numbers game. They approach as many girls as they can until they get a yes. You are basically being treated like a number instead of a individual.
And then there’s people who love the chase and view women as the prize, only to discard her once the thrill of conquest is over. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you like a commodity?
By making the first move in the guy, you are taking control of your life the exact same way you take control of your career. It benefits not only the guys, but it also benefits yourself and makes dating better for everyone.
If the guy is terrible at initiating or planning, let him know that and ask him to step up, and if not, move on from him. If you constantly are attracted to guys who are terrible at communication, you need to consider the guys you’re approaching rather than give up on approaching entirely.
I relate to this a lot.
I don’t ask people out because whenever I do I’m met with ghosting or breadcrumbs.
Even when I allude to wanting to meet them, they don’t really acknowledge it! It’s like most men I match with want attention online, not even a physical date.
Men generally want the chase, they want to ask the woman out. In Reddit it might skew different, but in the real world men don’t really respect women who ask them out first.
Pretty much what a guy has to go through with every girl he dates. For example, was meant to be meeting a girl for a first date today, messaged yesterday to confirm….left on read.
It sucks but dont let it discourage you.
I don’t think it’s related to you initiating the date. Unfortunately the guy just isn’t that into you so he’s not willing to make the effort yet he’ll hang around if there’s a small chance of getting laid with minimal effort. A man who’s into you will do everything he can to woo you and keep you engaged.
This is not gender specific. This is just the dating game. If you can’t handle it then don’t do it. Is it miserable? Absolutely.
Exact same for me!! I’m a pretty upfront and direct person, but I’ve found I’ve had the best dating success when I let the guy pursue me. Guess I’m old fashioned but if he isn’t pursuing me in the beginning he’s never going to put in the effort down the road
That’s interesting, as if the guys in the middle, who would enjoy you making the first move and would plan some dates too, are rarer than “doms”/”traditional/[descriptor] and those who prefer FLRs (Female lead relationship).
Guess when someone asks a group of men if they want to be asked out the follow up question is, “Would you plan some of the future dates or let her do all the planning?”
Asking a guy out first has nothing to do with them turning out to be boring and not want to plan anything. Your just matching with incompatible guys for some reason.
Now you can identify with 90% of the guys on dating apps.
Do you pay if you do the invite?
This is a tricky one because guys will suggest that they dislike doing all the work… but if a girl starts suggesting things, they might feel their leadership is being threatened. A girls best weapon is the power of suggestion. Instead of being extremely direct with what you want to do, try ‘dangling the carrot’ by saying something along the lines of “what do you think about xyz”.
This is so relatable but also very funny to me. I used to ask guys out and I had the same problem, until some random guy I talked to almost everyday at work asked me out; he eventually became my husband.
honestly i agree. if you’re comfortable you should dm and i’ll give you the name of this fb group that has all these “rules” for being a “high value woman” it’s a bit out there sometimes but i would say 9/10 it works lol
Strange. The woman I’m seeing now has taken the initiative a bunch of times. Its only ever made me want to do more for her.
So you give up for the same reason men give up
Completely agree. My best and longest lasting relationships have been with guys who were more dominant and were not afraid to take the lead and approach me. That dynamic works for me because I am more reserved and these guys bring me out of my shell.
I don’t mesh well romantically with more passive or submissive men, and I’m afraid if I were to ask guys out, this would be the kind I would attract, which does not appeal to me.
> Pov you’re a guy dating online.
It’s like that all the time.
Same thing happens to me. Never courted and always the one having to plan. Why don’t I like it? Because I want the guy to at least show me he is interested and suggesting to share something he likes to do.
Sadly, sometimes, yes. Guys should understand, too, that for women, as progressive as we may be, there is a safety and self protective factor and a need not to waste time; you can start out in friendly conversation on line and it still can happen that the dp rears it’s head after 10 or more messages. So, you pick a safe place and use your spidey senses ( for you it’s meeting irl)
cause that’s what you want to do.
Could you offer to start with drinks or an activity that he can build on and pay for after you pay for and plan the initial part?
It’s cliché to say this, but this may be a communication you can evolve so this happens far less. Good luck!
In my past relationship (the only one i’ve had ) I paid for 80% of stuff. In the form of tickets, eating out and the money I spent on groceries to make him dinner every time he came over. I would even make extra food or stuff like cookies so that he had some to bring home to his family to share. As a result when we broke up he had all my fucking Tupperware and I never got it back. I would send him letters, small surprise gifts, made artwork for him. The only time he ever gave me something was on holidays. I also planned every single outting we went on and paid for it. I can remember when we went to drive in movies he’d want to be the one to give the tickets I bought so it would seem like he had paid for it. We dated for a year and a half and yes I did try talking to him about this stuff but nothing ever changed. At the time I clearly had self esteem issues and thought If I just kept trying and doing more and more things for him that he would finally be a good boyfriend to me. This is just breaking the surface of everything that went on. In the end I found out he’d been lying for months and cheating on me. I got my heart practically mutilated. It’s been a year since we broke up and I still feel like I don’t want to give mt heart like that to someone ever again. It just hurt too much
Welcome to our world!!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣. This has been my experience with the majority of dates, and why guys say women should make a move.
Okay so just as an opposite experience, I’m always very forward and straight to the point, I go for the date if they don’t.
I met someone on a dating app where I took initiative and suggested a place to go on the first date, suggested a time and we made it happen. He is similarly direct and hates people that go back and forth too much on those apps or are so indecisive they can’t make plans..he’s mentioned multiple times since that he LOVED that I planned our first date and it was extremely rare for women he had met to ever do that.
He’s just as direct as I am and he’s my boyfriend now. He likes to plan surprises for me and all of our efforts are mutual and reciprocated.
Just wanted to say there’s hope…you have met a lot of passive people but there will be someone out there who not only appreciates your initiative but also matches you.
It’s all good practice for moving on from the ones that are just not right. When the right one is here you’ll be that much more sure.
You got this, don’t lose hope.
Lady lives the dating life of a guy for all of 1 hours worth, and gives up lol
Welcome to the club. The possibility of those kinds of interactions go hand in hand with being the initiator (not that it doesn’t happen to people who get asked out)
For many of us (guys), we’ve had a lifetime of those experiences. That’s part of the reason why you’ll see guys often fall into three groups later in life: forward, passive, or trying pick the right approach / mix for a given person of interest. But I think the third is less common
Wait, you guys get matches?
Welcome to the family lmao
Ok ask me out?
Tbh this sounds like the exact same scenario guys run into. Imagine if we all just gave up on it too, everyone would die alone.
Just a matter of weeding out the undesirables, just gotta keep plugging away until you find someone. It’s not always easy and can get frustrating, but it’ll be worth it once it does finally click. In the meantime, welcome to the club, and seriously good on you for putting in the effort. Hope it turns up for you!
Welcome to online dating as a man