Disclaimer: This is my personal opinion. I have no data to provide, no arguments to support my claim. Just my own experience.
I’ve seen several posts on Reddit recently of single people being upset or questioning why married couples tell them to get married and/or why people with children encourage them to have their own. The responses are always the same trite, sarcastic remarks; misery loves company, it’s just what society expects, they don’t care about what’s best for you, etc. The internet has a tendency to focus on these negative preconceptions and ignore the positive, so I want to try and explain this as best I can from the perspective of someone who is married with children.
I used to be a single guy wondering why people promoted getting married and having children when there seemed to be so many downsides and so few marriages seemed to work out. That was until I saw it from the other side. Yes, being married is hard. Having children is very hard. They will probably be amongst the very hardest things you do. But I now, being in the thick of it, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
The best way I can summarize it is like this; someone asked me when I was single if I had the opportunity to go back and restart my life from high school, would I and what would I do? I said yes without hesitation, there were just to many possibilities to say no. I could invest in companies like Amazon or Facebook or Google at their founding and become a multimillionaire. I could fix mistakes I made, take advantage of opportunities I squandered. It sounded like a dream. Now however, I recently heard that question again and said, without hesitation, no.
My marriage and my children are the two most foundational things in my life. There is no amount of freedom, money or power, no lifestyle or opportunity I would trade for the chance to see my children grow up and to grow old with wife. The way I see the world is totally different than before, my entire belief system is changed now. Getting married and having a family is the most important decision made, full stop.
So when someone says you should think about getting married or tells you you should consider having children, understand that it’s not about you, not really. They’re not attacking your choices nor are they trying to control you. What they’re telling you is this has been the greatest experience of their lives, something they would give up everything else for and they want that for you. What you do with that info is up to you, but don’t get mad at them for it.
13 comments
Telling someone they should do something is rude. Telling someone they should do something that they have already expressed they do not want to do is even ruder. I love being married and it’s the best part of my life – however, I realize not everyone wants that, so I don’t do this, just as it annoys me when someone tells me how I’m going to miss out on having children. Let people make decisions for their own life without pressure, guilt trips, or shaming. You can express how much you love your wife & kids without telling someone else they should do it all too.
The thing a lot of people forget sometimes… is that people actually *like* doing hard things. Doing challenging things is a significant part of what gives life meaning.
Sure, there is a sort of perverse joy in watching other people in the grind, but that’s only a small part of the story.
I dunno. I love being married, and I will probably end up having kids, but I find it really annoying personally when people are pressured so much into being married. It’s their life.
Also, if someone really hates the idea of marriage or children, I would rather they don’t do it just because someone told them to. Kids deserve to be fully wanted by their parents, and they can tell when their parents are less than thrilled about them (some people actually regret having children). There are also so many “did I get married too young/I regret my marriage” posts here that you can peruse to see just what happens when people (usually women tbh) are societally pressured into marriage, and it goes wrong.
It’s not being negative to just live your life and learn to focus more on yourself and your own lot and enjoy it, rather than spending so much energy on recruiting people to marriage/children. I know this is anecdotal as well, but in my opinion the happiest married couples and parents I have seen don’t recruit people into getting married, or having a baby. They are happy, because they are focused on what makes them happy and not worried about what singles or anti-marriage people think. A lot of the people who actively try to recruit single people into their life I’ve noticed are either insecure, or openly jealous of single people.
So wonderful to see someone posting on Reddit who loves their kids and chooses them over other options that the “go back in time” scenario would provide
What exactly is the point of this post? Please don’t tell me you think that anyone wants to hear your unsolicited opinion about whether we should have kids or not.
But, if you never got married and never had kids, it would never be a fundamental part of you. You can’t miss something you never had.
Your argument is at the level of pro birthers “What if the pregnancy you terminated was going to produce a human that’ll find a cure for cancer?”
That same pregnancy can produce the next Jeffrey Dahmer, too 🤷♀️
There’s absolutely no reason why anyone should tell anyone how to live their life.
I have one child. I always knew I wanted to have an only child. By your logic, parents of multiple kids have the right to tell me how many times I should procreate because they know having more kids is better.
How can they know that?? They never lived their whole life having an only child. They don’t have that experience. So how can they with certainty tell me which is better.
I’m really glad that you love your life.
The main thing I disagree with is that marriage is hard, because marriage doesn’t have to be hard.
I disagree with this. In general, the bulk of people telling other people to have kids or to get married is very ingrained in society/culture. Especially as a woman.
Regardless of the motive, I can understand why it would be very irritating to constantly be asked or “told” that one should have children. People can have happy meaningful lives without children. People can have happy meaningful lives without marriage as well.
So just say “I love my family life and it’s been incredibly worthwhile and brought me a lot of happiness”
It’s still polite to skip the part where you tell other people what they should do.
Here’s a comparison: I participate in burlesque dancing. It’s a performance art I enjoy, I love the community, the opportunity to feel body positive and playful. It’s been a meaningful and joyful part of my life for a decade and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I tell people about it too! I talk about the happiness it brings me. It’s an open part of my life.
Now, if I encountered someone who said “I am a modest person, I would never feel comfortable or motivated to get onstage in minimal clothes. I would feel so miserable and embarrassed in that position”, would it be like, empathetic or appropriate for me to tell them they HAVE to do it, because I like it so much? Or should I just respect that it’s not something they want and move on?
🧢🧢🧢
Firstly that is the biggest cap, we all know deep down everyone would choose being a young rich stud over a married dad
I am researching to see if there is actually any benefits to getting married and so far all I have found is a bunch of people saying; trust me.
This has only confirmed my current beliefs that marriage is a scam, the best way forward is to focus on myself and simply use my leverage to my advantage for my needs
So you’re a dude. ‘Nuff said.
> They’re not attacking your choices nor are they trying to control you.
I mean, yeah, they sort of are.
If I wasn’t married and had no intention of ever getting married, and someone said “no, you should get married. You might think you’ll be happier staying single, but you’re WRONG. You’ll be so much happier being married!” then you are literally attacking my choices, and trying to convince me to do something I have no interest in doing. And exact same thing when it comes to having kids too.
I just don’t understand why it’s your business anyway. If someone doesn’t want to have kids and/or doesn’t want to get married, what does it matter to you? Let them do their own thing, it’s their life.
>The responses are always the same trite, sarcastic remarks; misery loves company, it’s just what society expects, they don’t care about what’s best for you, etc.
This has not been my experience at all unless you’re around incel or redpill subs.