Any advice for a couple struggling to be intimate after having their first baby?
Our daughter is a year old now, and we have only been intimate a handful of times, even including during pregnancy. I kept thinking it was just because we’ve had to reconnect emotionally since baby. We’ve had a rough time (I’ve been dealing with post partum and he has problems with depression anyway). But we continue to struggle. We still love each other, it just feels like we’re not as close as we used to be. We don’t even do little things like hold hands, rarely ever kiss, and seem to be, not fighting, but I’m not sure how to put it. We just can’t seem to get on the same page. I don’t think our relationship is in jeopardy of ending or anything, I just want us to reconnect before that becomes a possibility and I don’t know what to do. We keep talking about putting aside time to spend together, even just one evening a week, but it doesn’t happen :/ The closest we get is sitting on the couch together, which is divided by an armrest in the middle, and watching tv.
Anyone else have this issue as first time parents? What did you do to get past the hump?
5 comments
There is a difference between intimate and showing affection. Defining those lines and compromising is the first step.
Having a child usually makes it worse for the mother, just depends on the context. But you’re not giving much of it.
Intimacy does come easier when affection is involved. Like doing small things for each other or because well just because you get the picture.
Not to be so simplistic as to miss your point, but for us it was a vacation without the baby. “Us time”. No distractions, no baby. It helped get us back on track.
My fiancé and I make it a point to set aside time each day for cuddling and most times for us it turns romantic.
A common problem for new parents is they stop being husband and wife once they become mom and dad.
Help yourselves out by (a) keep baby out of your room. It’s a little thing but babies don’t belong in a marital room. Always put baby to sleep in baby’s room.
Talk about what your needs are, not just sex but kissing, touching, etc. then look for where you are aligned and start making/scheduling time to do those things. Maybe 2 minutes at first then 5 then 7 then 10. Eventually you’ll get really good at making an effort towards one another.
Check out the Gottman institute on social media. I swear by them.
Go on a date night at least once every other week, get a sitter you can trust and focusing on one another without baby.
Babies are wonderful additions to your family and they have lots of needs but couples who prioritize their grown up time as partners have the strongest marriages and set baby up with the right example.
Lots of “thinking” and “feeling”, but not a lot of “doing”
Why can’t one of you stop waiting for the other to start and just do something? Why can’t you be holding hands while sitting together on the sofa? Or just get up, turn off the TV, take his/her hand and adjourn to the bedroom and get things started?
It’s not a mystery, it’s called effort and initiative.