Whenever I ask more questions, listen more and talk less in a conversation as most of the personality development coaches advises. People think that I am an introvert and Dumb. I don’t know what I am doing wrong as I don’t feel good about myself and people keep saying me why don’t you speak more and I especially feel under confident talking to elders because I don’t know what to say to them that’s why I ask questions and talk less. Please help .
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I struggle a bit with this too. The things I usually resort to are asking about their future (so what are their aspirations for example), what they’re doing
(If it’s via text), what they have been doing, what they’re doing later, tomorrow etc. and then you can ask questions based on what they say, which can be hard if you’re nervous cause you might not be listening that closely 😭but yeah. I’m not usually the one to talk more in conversations unless I’m really close with someone, but that’s okay, you just need to be able to have some basic things to ask, remember them and you’ll be fine.
Forgive me if what I’m saying might sound really dumb, I’m on the same journey trying to figure out how to have better conversations as well.
It’s true that letting other people talk about themselves and asking questions is really good, but I would also add something “mine” to the conversation: for example I can tell when I relate to them or something like this, and then asking something more about their experiences.
I think this way is a good one to show interest but at the same time people will get to know you a bit as well.
There are two things to social skills that I think many people overlook. First, it’s not rote learned. You see countless posts here asking “what should I have done/said in this situation”, and I’ll bet my left nut that that person didn’t walk away from it as an improved individual. The second thing is that social skills also can’t be learned by brute force, i.e. the often parroted “put yourself out there”. Do you think those guys at the Y who play 5 hours a day, 6 days a week can actually make the NBA? What do you think the D1 athletes actually do? Sure, scrims are also a part of their training, but only a small part. The rest of it is shooting, dribbling, training in the gym, watching tape, and much more, all by themselves.
To be socially competent, there comes a time and place where you take a step back and understand why you’re saying the things you’re saying. What’s the mindset behind those words, or rather, the lack thereof? When you challenge your preconceptions, question your behaviour, and course correct following that analysis, only then will you genuinely improve. *Not* by going to a club and trying to shoehorn rudimentary conversational questions with people you’ve just met. The great thing about this is, you don’t have to leave your house or talk to strangers to do this. It can be done from the comfort of your home, all you need is time (although a digital journal helps too).
The purpose of all this is to understand truly, how you feel and the motives behind your thoughts. Once you can open your mind and be honest with yourself, you’ll be able to embrace your flaws and recognise your strengths. And when you reach that point, your mind doesn’t spend any extra resources fixating on them, which opens up real estate for you to be *truly* focused on the conversation. These are those moments when you hear someone else make an association that you feel like you could never make, but that’s cos their *mind* is listening, not just their ears. And their mind is listening because it isn’t cluttered with thoughts of self-consciousness. Look up “default mode network” for a more scientific explanation of this topic.
I’m happy to elaborate on this more if you’re curious, just let me know, or shoot me a message.
Listen more, talk less, it’s all relative. Sometimes you need to talk a lot, other times you should shut up, that’s what emotional intelligence is: understanding how others are feeling and responding. Nobody really has a manual inside their head knowing exactly what to say in each moment, they just try something, anything, and through that learn what works and what doesn’t. This is what people call reading the room, from their previous experiences they know that they should speak less and be considerate of other people, or that they can be Mr Extrovert and dominate the conversation. At the end of the day they are just thinking about their personal enjoyment. Try and enjoy yourself in a situation and don’t think about it like it’s a puzzle to be solved, that makes it very neurotic.
Read how to win people and influence people. Great tips on there
Remember no one will hurt you physically, and no one can hurt you mentally unless you let it bother you. I think we have a primal fear of aggression in social situations but its not a risk, also don’t feel pressured to talking, being quiet isn’t a bad thing it just makes talkers uncomfortable so they project it onto you