I’m very shy and awkward and i suck at replying, and most often when talked to i just nod or smile and then look away.
it makes me look cold and dismissive but i don’t mean to do it, i just panic and i probably have made several people feel hurt.
i also have had encounters where people who try to become friends with me eventually get frustrated with me because of how i act and when they express this to me, the words die in my throat and i become completely mute. I’m unable to even explain that I’m just shy, i didn’t mean to be cold, etc, but obviously, to them, it looks like I’m just ignoring them.
i accidentally sabotaged a potential friendship last sunday with a girl in my class because she had a group of friends who i didn’t know how communicate with. i had no problem talking to her when it was one on one but with a group i just become silent and when she asked me to spend lunch with them i declined because i knew that if i was there, I’d just be quiet and looking away the entire time and it would suck lol
does anyone know how to fix this
7 comments
I understand that this isn’t an easy situation you’re in right now. But if you really want to change something about this, you need to identify where this is comming from. You need to ask yourself:
– What did I feel during this situation?
– When did I feel the first time like this?
– What are the similarities between those situations?
You need to answer those questions to be able to process that and improve your behaviour in these situations
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Remindme! 16 hours
Same >_<
Last semester my crush made several attempts to talk/interact with me but I kept pushing her away with my cold behavior
As someone who also used to have pretty severe social anxiety, the most effective way of getting over it/improving is (unfortunately) an “exposure-therapy” approach of just putting yourself in those uncomfortable situations, and taking small steps each time until you overcome the fear of being judged/disliked that social anxiety usually stems from imo.
I think next time you get invited out like that, maybe pick a small goal for yourself of asking a question about someone/in response to something, or just “reacting” to what the group is conversing about and listening attentively is also good (being a good listener doesn’t come off as awkward). Since you said you know you’d be “looking away the entire time”, FORCE yourself to not do that as the first step if that’s what you need.
As for the freezing up/becoming mute thing, it sounds like a fight-or-flight (flight in ur case) kind of reaction to the fear/anxiety. So I think you should determine what it is that creates that anxiety in you like the other commenter said and affirm it’s OK if you’re judged, if you don’t vibe with them, etc. whatever it may be, and hopefully it’ll prevent the freeze up next time. You could also respond with an “umm” or “let me think” at first to give yourself to recover and find your thoughts before responding if that helps
Ultimately, declining invites can be self-sabotage since those are all opportunities for you to learn and improve, and make new connections (if you’re lucky, you might come across people that are proactive in including you into the convo, like your friend perhaps). So I encourage you to accept even if it scares you at first.
I think most people would know that you’re shy and not mean, another tip is to try to act like you’ve already known them forever. figuring out what to say is trial and error you can find resources like on youtube to help you
Yeah, but it takes work and effort. There is no quick fix, so you need to be committed to learning a new way of living/responding.
The first step is to connect with the feeling of anxiety. Anxiety usually stems from an underlying fear. Then you need to feel that fear and write down everything that comes up. Beliefs, stories, and more importantly, memories. From there, you want to understand what beliefs you picked up from the memories – what lessons did you learn? Why? How do you feel when you think about that? And then unpack those feelings.
Once you’ve gotten to the core of it, you’ll know. You’ll feel a release of energy – it could look like crying or tension releasing in your body.
After that happens, you’ll want to decide how you want to feel in social situations. What actions can you take to help you feel that way? All of this stuff can be done in a weekend, if you focus your whole weekend on journaling your way through it and remain committed to push through whatever comes up that tries to deter you (basically, your ego trying to justify why you shouldn’t stop doing the behavior – it keeps you safe! we don’t know another way! – things like this).
Then, the hard part. In social situations, practice the behaviors you decided on. It will feel foreign and uncomfortable, and your old feelings will come up. Acknowledge them, choose to see them as your old self trying to help you. Then choose to respond with your new behavior. At first, this will be very difficult – be prepared for your old way of responding to win more often than not. But you have to keep going, and don’t give up hope. Remember, you learned this behavior at some point so you can always learn a new one.
Keep practicing as much as you can. Each time you feel the feeling, choose the new action. Eventually, your old pattern will break and the new behavior will win more often than not. And after a time, weeks, months, years (who knows? it is always different and programming runs deep), you will not know any other way of being.
This approach works for pretty much anything you might imagine, too. Whether it’s struggling to communicate with others, understanding why you always run late, pretty much any ingrained behavior can be modified/changed using this approach.