Why won’t you date a desperate person?

23 comments

1. I don’t believe they able to join a relationship honestly and in a healthy manner and there are often severe insecurities or issues at play, so the dynamic isn’t something I would willing choose. Deeply desperate people aren’t looking for an equal partner; they are grasping for any available connection to ease their fears of being alone.

2. Depends what they‘re desperate for?

   Emotional closeness and understanding, but still able to respect boundaries and willing to provide the same for me? Fine.

   Sexually? Financially? Status-wise? Nope. That‘ll only drain my energy.

3. I’d want someone to be with me because they like *me*, not because they want Anyone or are miserable without a relationship. Someone who’s deeply unhappy without me is never gonna be able to create a healthy and equal relationship with me.

   Also, how and why would I feel comfortable, safe or loved being picked by someone who indirectly tells me that he has no standards and only chose me because I’m better than nothing, lol

4. Because usually they’re expecting you or your relationship to fix whatever is lacking in themselves, and that’s not how building confidence works. So when you aren’t able to fix them they’ll begin to resent you and the relationship is doomed to implode

5. [removed]

6. Someone who is desperate for a relationship will almost certain put their partner on a pedestal. That mindset cannot develop into a healthy partnership.

7. Because someone desperate doesn’t want me for me. They want the experience more than the person.

8. Why would I date someone who’s desperate would date anyone?
   I wouldn’t want to feel like “anyone” I would want to feel like they made an intentional choice and actually wants to date me.

9. They often become clingy, needy, possessive, and controlling. I am not going to live my life tolerating that suffocating bullshit from anyone. Being single is much preferable to that crap.

10. Desperation a wonderful gateway to a controlling relationship.

    If someone is desperate to get into a relationship they are also very likely to have an equal sense of desperation about not being alone again. The feeling is based on a selfish sense of ownership, or achieving something… and less about nurturing a bond between two autonomous and consenting adults.

11. I’m not desperate for a relationship so we’re already starting off on unequal footing.

12. Desperation takes over the desperate person’s thinking processes. They’re skewed to say the least. Don’t sign on.

13. Because they desperate for a relationship, nuff said

14. They are the common denominator in their failed relationships. They need to work in themselves first and I’m not going to sign up to be their life coach and therapist.

15. Because a desperate person doesn’t want to date *me* they want to date *someone*. That inevitably means they will become disappointed with who I actually am (IME, “desperate” people who actually can manage to date overlap very, very strongly with serial cheaters because they’re chasing a feeling of satisfying their desperation, rather than chasing some particular object of affection), they will become clingy and burdensome, and usually there’s bad self esteem that can’t be bolstered. I don’t want to be desired as an object.

    I see this trend of questioning why people (usually women) won’t date someone who exhibits objectively unpleasant traits, but framing it as illogical, shallow, or just based on a vague sense on “looking down upon” people for societal rather than personal reasons. I’m just going to say, if 90% of the dating pool considers a trait a dealbreaker, and the other 10% are undesirable themselves, it’s probably not some pointless social stigma that’s driving it.

16. Two main reasons for me:

    1. Desperation is not a healthy, stable mental state, and indicates that someone has insecurities/baggage/etc. that they have not yet processed sufficiently and that will almost certainly show up in any relationship they get into in that state.
    2. Someone who is desperate is much more likely to be showing interest in me purely because I’m there, rather than because they feel specifically drawn to my uniquely appealing qualities as a human being. I want to be treated like a person, not like a concept or a life preserver.

17. They end up being clingy and codependent, and it’s about being not alone, rather than being together/with me.

    If they don’t want to spend time with themselves then why should I?

18. Why WOULD I? I can’t think of any compelling reason that would get me to date someone desperate. Desperate comes off as needy and potentially controlling, and I want nothing to do with either of those things.

19. Desperate in what way?

20. Because I want someone who will like me. I don’t want to be with someone who is afraid of being alone and is using someone else to fix themselves.

21. I prefer a drama free, peaceful life.

22. Because I want to be with someone who wants me authentically and out of a place of wholeness. If they are desperate, they are likely just inventing any compatibilities we have (which means I cant trust them to be who they say they are) and they aren’t choosing me out of a place of authenticity – I’m just a bandaid for them.

    Also, if they are so desperate but no one is with them, makes me think there’s a reason for that.

23. Because they try too hard and end up becoming clingy and annoying.