My fiancée is pregnant of our first child. What are some tips for a to be father? I’m pretty scared

25 comments

  2. First- chill- you got this and will figure it out.

    Your ancestors before did. while fighting beasts, plagues and worse- you can do too.

    Second- get fit mentally and physically, soon you will be tested by sleep deprivation and your body will get soft (Dadbod is your bodies reaction to your wife getting pregnant and preparing you for the sleepless nights)

  3. Recent father here (1 year old now) – it’s going to test you in ways you can’t yet fathom, but that doesn’t mean you can’t prepare for it.

    Few tips (in no particular order):

    * Pack the hospital bag now. Not a month before the due date, now.
    * Figure out what your shift pattern is going to be with respect to sleeping before you have your child, this will go a long way to significantly reducing aggro once your baby is here.
    * Borrow a child for a day if you can, this will give you some idea of what babyproofing actually looks like and allow you to sort your house house before you have to learn the hard way
    * If you’re asking for gifts/anyone asks what you’d like – request clothes that are months down the line from at least some of those people. Having a massive influx of newborn clothes that only last you a month or two isn’t helpful, but having a decent pipeline of 0-3, 3-6, 6-12 etc is a lot better and gives you one fewer things to worry about.
    * Make the most of the free time you have before your child is born, if there are things you wanted to get done, do them now. You will not have time when your child arrives and having unfinished projects/regrets about things you wish you did is not helpful
    * Cook up a load of meals you like in advance, portion them out and freeze them. My other half made literally a month’s worth of evening meals for us and froze them up, so all we had to do was microwave things or reheat in one pan at the end of the day. Saves time, saves washing up and you’re still eating good food
    * Sign up for a couples antenatal class/group – I thought this was nonsense until I did it, and having a new social group all in the same situation was great for maintaining some form of life
    * Make sure your partner understands that your child may not latch, which means no breast feeding. This happens a lot and I see shit loads of “breast is best” crap thrown at new mums. What that means is breast milk is best, so pumping is fine.
    * If you do need to pump, get a double that’s relatively good and has power settings – the amount of time saved is worth its weight in gold.
    * The above two points are mainly for the sake of your partner’s mental health, but she may also not be able to express. There are plenty of healthy babies out there that were reared on formula. Also, pumping will allow her to sleep while you take a shift feeding the baby. If she’s breastfeeding only, that means she’s got to be awake for every feed.
    * Relax. Nobody knows what they are doing when they have their first (or even second child). Make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time, that’s all you can do. Mistakes will happen, that is an inevitable fact of parenting. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

    **EDIT:** added a few new ones after chatting with my other half:

    * Don’t be too worried if you don’t have the same kind of bond with your child straight away. Your partner has had a 9 month head start on you, with a much deeper connection as the baby was growing inside of her. The huge dump of hormones during birth is a real thing. I watched my girlfriend become a different person immediately. It also took me about 9-10 months to really feel bonded with my son. Support for fathers is also non-existent, so you will likely be figuring this out on your own. If you have a good relationship with your own father, this may be a time to make the most of it.
    * Do some reading on spotting the signs of post-natal depression now, as there is a very real possibility it could impact your partner. It’s not a failure, but it does need catering to. Understanding the early signs can go a long way to nipping it in the bud/making life easier for you both.
    * Whatever you decide you want for the birth, the birth plan etc. will very likely go out the window completely. Nature does not function on your plan. Don’t let that get in the way of making the most of the moment.
    * You will have interpersonal challenges with your spouse. Both of you will be stressed, tired and worn out. It’s worth keeping in mind that a lot of the time, any expressions or outbursts of emotion aren’t actually about you. You just happen to be there at the time. The primary goal is teamwork, particularly for the first 9 months. Communicate with each other when you’re both in a stable mental state and remind yourself of what’s communicated during those times whenever things get stressful.
    * It’s worth getting a baby monitor with a camera and a screen you can take with you. It’s amazing how much more freedom this will give you when you can move from one room to another (or even the garden) with the monitor in a pocket.
    * The paranoia of “are they still alive” when your baby starts sleeping for longer periods is perfectly natural, and no, it doesn’t go away for quite some time (if ever).
    * Bottle steamers (sterilisers) are extremely useful, particularly if you do move to formula.

    **Edit 2:** This is another from my own experience but I think it’s an important one:

    There **will** be times you feel useless/like a spare wheel as a new father. Up to about 6-8 months your primary role is really to support your spouse as much as you can. This is particularly acute for anything breastfeeding/pumping related. Don’t let this feeling disparage you, it’s just a biological reality. Once your child starts to develop a bit more (and particularly as bottle feeding comes into play more) you will have a much more even and active role in your interactions.

    Anything to do with breastfeeding or pumping is absolutely knackering for your partner, on top of being emotionally and physically stressful. She’s also going to be recovering from giving birth and the spectrum of impacts of that are broad. If she’s had a C section or particularly traumatic tear, she could be bed bound for 2-4 weeks from the moment your child is born.

    **Addendum to the “bonding” point:** If you are struggling to bond with your child, it’s worth taking your top off, stripping your baby down to a nappy and holding them on you for prolonged periods of time. Skin to skin contact with your baby releases a lot of oxytocin, plus naps with a baby on you give you an opportunity to recharge your batteries, let your spouse have some time to themselves and bond all at the same time.

  5. Do everything — change diapers, give baths, feed, clean up the puke, get up in the middle of the night, run the laundry, clean the house. This makes you both an awesome dad and an awesome life partner. You will miss some sleep and some work and some football games, and you won’t regret a minute of it.

  7. The ps5 is you’re best baby sitting wing man
    When the baby try.s too keep you up at nite
    Simply rock him/ her in front facing carrier
    Within minutes knocked them out …

    Usually win.s big with ur s.o

  8. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy

  10. Just relax, everything will be fine. It comes naturally. Just let the love flow.

    I went from 0 to 60. I never thought about having a kid and then suddenly, my girlfriend had a baby and I found myself taking care of our daughter almost from the day she came home from the hospital. But it was okay. I just knew what to do naturally. I would just look at her and know.

    She’s very successful and happy now and we have a great relationship. She’s 31

  11. Carry around a 10lb sack of potatoes in you primary arm you use to do things with. A baby is like 7 lbs, but damn do they wiggle. Im a big guy and used to lift weights when i had my baby and damn was my arm sore from carrying around my little girl. train your arm before she gets there.

    Also if you have a little girl wife front to back.

    Also get some boudreaux butt paste shit works great. Never had an issue with rashes or anything.

    Lastly, PLEASE GET ON THE SAME PAGE WITH THE MOTHER!!!!! You can avoid so many argumemts with just communicating with each other. Nothing is gonna be more annoying than being woke up at 2 in the morning and then trying to figure out who was going to get the baby or arguing over how to prepare something or brand of diapers etc.

    Luckily me and the wife were pretty good with all of that, but there were moments where we butted heads.

    Ok, really last thing: enjoy watching your new pet grow. Parenthood is as hard as you make it. Raise your child within your means (refer to the last peace of advice). Our daughter is 14 now. I do wish i had more videos of her because her voice was so adorable back then. Save her pictures, drawings etc in a memory book. You will love looking back. Me and my daughter just did our traditional father daughter dance. I still ahve my tickets and pictures. Cherish that stuff because you miss it and it is only a matter of time before they are on their own.

  12. It’s easier than you think. Stop stressing about it. For the first 10 to 12 months your child will not be mobile, so it really gives you some time to get used to being a father. Your wife is really going to be the center of the universe for your child for a while. Between the age of two and three, your child will discover how much fun it is to play with dad, so that will be an important time to bond with your child. Spend lots of time with your child. Take plenty of photos and videos. Absolutely cherish him/her when little because they grow up very quickly and will become different people as they age.

  13. When your baby is born, hug and kiss that little one as often as you can. Play with them, make fun games, and be creative as they get older. Acclimate your body to get less sleep. Wake up early on weekends, for example, because babies are up early!!
    Patience!!!! If you get stressed, call someone for help. Like a break for an hour.
    Very important, too. Be good to your wife. She’s been through hell. Help with diapering, feeding, laundry, cooking, let her sleep in ever so often.
    You are a team. I was terrified too when we brought our daughter home 24 years ago, and son 22 years ago!

  14. Get plenty of sleep, have a plan on who will get up at night and when, and watch out for one another. It is tough, but nobody needs to get burned out.

    Take some classes if you have time. Our hospital offered a few, including infant cpr.

    Good luck, don’t be scared. Remember, you have more information available to you than ever before.

  15. Just know that you’re entering the best time of your life. Being a dad is an amazing experience.

  17. First: chill. Look at all the people with kids. 90% of them are idiots, and the kids turn out ok.

    If you want to be prepared, read up on what to do the first few months. Youtube and the internet is full of info.

    Short version here: babies cry when they’re tired, in pain or hungry. That’s it. If baby cries, remember how long he/she is awake. if it’s short, remember when baby had food. If baby had food, most likely stomach hurts so keep close to your own belly, and comfort. Usually that helps. and baby will produce a decent nr 2 after which he/she is tired and cries again because … tired.

    Don’t forget mommy. If you think you’re stressing out, remember that woman are suposed to be experts on babies by genetics alone. She’s just as inexperienced as you.

    as a practical dad, i always kept a spare set of clothes, diapers baby wipes a few towels, and emergency food in the car. i stash them in double plastic bags inside the spare tire.

    Kids always need a diaper change when you’re in the car. one of the bags can store the dirty diaper, and the other one for the dirty clothes. Replenish asap after use… murphies law.

    When they’re old enough to go to daycare, they are old enough to sleep at grandparents. take their offer, you and your wife (by then i guess) can really use a night of uninterrupted sleep.

  19. I’m a father of three and now a “Papa” of an adorable grandson. I have a lot of hindsight on my side, and have spent a lot of energy reflecting on “how I did” and soul searching where I perceive failures, and I’ll leave you with this: do your best with what you have. You’ll fuck up, and you’ll (hopefully) learn from your failures, but no one does parenting perfectly or “right” so give yourself slack when things don’t go well. And apologize to your kids when you make a mistake! It sets a good model for them to see that none of us are perfect and need to take responsibility for our actions.

    Lastly, meditate on this: You’re not raising a child; you have a child. You’re raising a person.

  20. It’s both easier and more difficult than you’re prepared for. Honestly the hardest part is the loss of sleep. Request wipes (unscented), diapers in all sizes, bottles (we used Doctor Browns natural flow) bottle brushes, and various baby creams, lotions. Get a Frida Baby nasal aspirator (to suck snot, it’s crucial) and a Miracle Baby wrap (baby burrito). A white noise machine helps, and you’ll probably need a humidifier. People are going to buy you clothes regardless, so don’t ask. It’s perfectly fine to buy second hand because they’ll grow so fast they probably won’t get to wear half of the stuff. The same was true for the people you bought them from. At least half of the clothes still had tags still on.

    Also get ready to turn the heat up or AC down. Little human needs it warmer than I was prepared for so I was miserable.

    Otherwise it’s pretty easy. Fed is best so ignore any mommy board bullshit about it having to be breast milk. My boy wouldn’t latch and my wife wasn’t producing much. He got pumped breast milk for a few weeks along with formula and then went completely formula. He’s fine. Also look up some emergency techniques like clearing blockages. For later always watch your kid like a hawk while they eat. They’ll choke unexpectedly and you need to know what to do. It’s completely silent and horrifying.

    Here’s a big one, it’s okay to put the kid down somewhere safe and walk away. The screaming will get to you. The lack of sleep will get to you. If you need five minutes, put them in their crib and walk away. It’s okay.

  21. Go get some book (i mean psychologie book about kids raising) and read them since you still have time and sleep.

    Do not try to be perfet and don’t give a damn about the opinion of other.

    Letting kids cry is better than loosing you calm.

    Fulfilling the basics need (food, sleep, comfort, support) is already a good job. The rest is just extra.

  22. It’s not so bad. Don’t be scared. Babies just sleep, eat and poop. Mostly sleep. They get progressively more challenging as they age, but they start out pretty easy to keep alive. Enjoy it.

    Despite the sleep depravity, my best memories are those middle of the nights alone, after feeding just lying alone with my daughter on my chest holding her on the couch. It’s some real bonding time.

  24. Don’t panic if you don’t feel an instant bond with baby. It can’t take a few months for fathers because they didn’t carry the baby for 9 months.

    For a while baby is just going to seem like a potato that cries and shits a lot and you might not feel much for it. You might even refer to it as it.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like