I went on a date around 2 weeks ago with a guy. He was very nice, a serious guy working as surgeon. But I found the conversations to be quite boring and our sense of humour didn’t really match. I tried to ask a lot of questions to see if there is something we might connect on but really there was no strong connection points.
I always like to split the bill, but he ended up paying for me before I could reach my purse. I asked him how can I pay him back and he first said don’t worry at all but I insisted so he asked me if I have PayPal which I didn’t and I didn’t even have cash so I could not pay him in the end. He didn’t want to give me his account details. He didn’t seem bothered at all and said don’t worry, you can pay the next time. This indicated that we have a second date.
I feel like I owe him one drink and also he is a very nice guy and maybe I should give him a second chance. He has been texting me again asking when I’m free but we couldn’t chose a time that suits both of us. It has been 2 weeks now since we had the first meet, and I have completely lost interest but I still think I owe him. At this point I would only be meeting him to return the favour of the last drink. Should I text him and arrange a date or should I be honest and say I’m not interested?
27 comments
You dont owe him shit
You don’t owe him anything. It’s very simple.
Are you feeling it? No, so don’t see him again.
End of story
You don’t owe him anything. It’s the cost of dating, he’s a surgeon, I doubt he’ll end up on the street or something.
It brings joy to some to gift someone a datemeal. I myself really enjoy inviting people to eat. If he is a man like you described him, then there will be nothing wrong with not going on a second date.
It’s better to not give him any kind of hope.
You don’t owe anyone anything. His feelings could be hurt, but he will get over it. It was one date. Not long enough to build real feelings. If it helps your conscious, you could always Venmo him for half of the prior meal or something.
You are a nice person, and offering to pay and then insisting to pay (especially when you know you’re not interested) is enough proof of that. I don’t think he has any reason to think you owe him anything
Thank you for being such a kind soul and treat him appropriately as a human being, despite the lack of interest. The nature of dating is very cutthroat sometimes. Hopefully he captures your intention which you have expressed on the first date, I believe it is more than enough. Appreciate the rare kindness you have shown here.
Be honest. You’re not doing him a kindness by repaying him if it’s also giving him false hope. The kinder thing to do is tell him the truth. He doesn’t care about the money.
He’s a surgeon. He’ll probably grab the bill before you can on the second date anyways lol
You owe nothing to nobody.
Just Venmo him your half
If someone is genuine nice and presumably attractive enough to me for me to have swiped on them, I’ll automatically give them a few dates. Genuinely outwardly kind people are rare and first dates are awkward. I’ve had great relationships come out of people I gave more chances to and I’ve also had situations like the 38 year old woman who texted me after a third date to say “I told my sister you’re like a golden retriever and I feel like I just need to feed you, pet you, and take you on walks.” So sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, in spectacularly bizarre fashion.
Imo you don’t own him a second date , but it would be nice to communicate that to him. In other words, don’t go out with but do not ghost him because this is kinda rude
You don’t owe him anything. A date is a thing with absolutely no compromise. If you feel bad, next time pay your half. But let this one go.
You never owe anyone anything
You don’t owe anybody anything. Kindness doesn’t equal compatability. Guilt shouldn’t be the motivator to continue seeing someone. You should only because you ACTUALLY want to.
Honestly. Unless a date goes really poorly. I usually have a 3 date rule. It’s hard to ascertain anyone’s personality after meeting them for a few hours. Not everyone is great at first impressions or comfortable enough to show who they are after 1-2 meetups. Instead. I think it would be better to be direct the next time you meet him. Instead of trying to do all the social load of getting to know him. Just straight up say you’re trying to find out what you guys have in common and explain your concerns – including how you feel when people pay for dates. You can say this in a lighthearted manner so it’s not so serious. See how he reacts to that. Relationships are work. Not everyone is charismatic and entertaining off the bat. Best of luck!
“Hey [SURGEON], I had a really nice time with you a couple weeks ago. I really appreciated you telling me about [*thing he told you about*]. I think you’re so [*quality you liked about him, just don’t say nice*] and I want to be upfront that while I had a great time with you I didn’t really feel relationship vibes and hope that’s okay. I do hope that you find what you’re looking for though”
This is what I usually text gay men that I go out with who are… fine, but not my thing. It usually works for me. You can change it around. Make it witty, make it polite, make it sound like you listened to his stories and see his value as a human, but I always try to make it sound like because of the respect I’ve developed for them by meeting them that I want to be HONEST with how I actually feel about them. I always include “I hope that’s okay” even if it doesn’t matter at all how they feel about it, just to give it a bit of a softer landing.
You genuinely tried to help pay the bill. You don’t owe him anything 🙂
You don’t owe anyone anything.
As a fellow woman, I totally understand where you’re coming from. Be nice, be polite, be kind, give the boy a chance, it’s deeply ingrained in us.
But we as women have got to start abolishing that mentality.
We don’t owe anyone anything.
He said you could pay on the next date, he never really confirmed that you even wanted a second date. He made the choice to pay the bill. I don’t understand why he asked for your PayPal info instead of letting you pay for yourself at the time.
But either way at the end of the day, you don’t owe him anything.
Wow that sounds like its a lot of pressure to deal with. In my opinion it’s always best to be honest about how you feel even though that can be extremely difficult at times because you feel obligated to do something. It makes a lot of sense that you are stressed out about this.
Venmo him your share
I assume you are going to convey him that it’s not working out and you don’t want to continue seeing each other. You can use that as an opportunity to ask him your share and pay him.
If you are going to ghost him and you still can’t get over this feeling of owing, you can give that money(rough estimate) to some homeless folks outside and get over that feeling.
no, you owe him nothing.
you do not owe him. it’s ok for people to treat you. it’s not a transaction, you don’t owe him anything in return. be grateful for a nice experience and move on
Surgeon??? Give him my number