My bf and I just went on a little holiday, and he got this really good picture of me in a bikini when we were getting in the hot tub (mountains and sunset in the back w my boots on its a vibe lol). I showed him the pics i was gonna post w that one included more towards the end and he got defensive saying that’s only for him to see and he doesn’t want people like his coworkers to see
I don’t want to cross his boundaries, but i just like the picture, especially bc I haven’t been happy with my body these days and have been working hard to feel strong and happy w myself again. He says why would anyone want their girl posting that stuff for all my followers to see.
My question is – what is the difference between having boundaries and being controlling? Why are some people okay with it versus not okay with it?
41 comments
So following his logic he wouldn’t allow you to go to the beach or a pool party because everyone there might see you in a bikini ?
Definitely controlling imo.
Its controlling
Your pictures, your social media, your life. He doesn’t own you.
The difference between boundaries and controlling somebody is that we set boundaries to protect ourselves. They’re like guidelines to follow to make sure you feel safe in relationship. They should be pretty clear on the reasoning.
Being controlling is manipulating others and usually centers around shame, entitlement, and pushing values on somebody. A really easy way to identify controlling behavior is if it includes some kind of gaslighting.
The tricky thing is, sometimes it can be hard to tell if somethings a boundary or controlling. I think the best way to tell is how they approach it. Is their request something that they believe every girlfriend should naturally follow, that if you don’t follow it’s shameful to you? In most of these cases, including your case, I think it comes across as controlling. Whereas a boundary is something that he might ask of you, gauge your opinion, and if you’re on two different ideologies he can respect your decision but decide that he needs to break up to honor his own values.
Its also a good idea to wonder how reasonable the request is. In a case like this, who cares if somebody sees you in a bikini? Would he also limit you from going to the beach? If not, his request is unreasonable and likely controlling because the situations are parallel and he’s treating them differently. If so, limiting your use of the beach should be a clear sign of being controlling. Either way you shine the light his request is not reasonable.
I hope this helps you understand, but it’s not a foolproof perfect explanation. TLDR I think this is controlling
If its a casual bikini picture mixed in with other generic content, then that is controlling and shouldn’t pose much of an issue.
However, if that is the construct of your Instagram page, then I can understand if he is not into it. But, the ball would be in his court whether or not he wants to stick around, not force you to change.
I don’t think their is an easy answer here. I think a good litmus test for things like this is if you would be upset with your partner looking at another woman with an identical picture, then you should consider why you are posting it yourself.
See this is tricky, I believe you should talk to him, (calmly) ask him why he doesn’t want you posting those photos and then try and get him to explain it so you can understand it.
But just as a thought experiment to help you understand where he is coming from. Hypothetically, if you saw your boyfriend liking photos of girls in sexy swim suits and bikinis, you would most likely be upset or, at the very least, want him to not do that. “Why is he looking at other women in sexy photos when he has me?” Is probably along the lines of what you would be thinking in that scenario.
Well, he is most likely thinking the same thing: “Why would she post photos of her in a sexy swim suit for other people to see, and compliment her, she has me.”
I’m not saying you are doing it for the same reason, but most people post photos of them in sexy swim suits and stuff for the validation of other people. He is probably wondering why you want validation from other people when you can get it from him.
Yet again, talk to him about it. This is just what I would be thinking if I were in his situation. But you never know.
Edit: FYI, I know this comment comes off as a little red pill. That’s not my intention. I believe everyone, man, woman, and other should be able to do whatever they want, but they should have an appropriate amount of consideration for others. And that by entering into a relationship with someone you should be a little bit more considerate towards them, especially if you want them to show the same level of consideration towards you.
He can decide that he doesn’t want to date someone that posts pics of themselves in a bikini. If that’s HIS boundary.
He can’t tell you what to do or not do or post or not post. That’s controlling.
Boundary: I don’t date people who post photos of themselves in bikinis.
Controlling: You can’t post photos of yourself in a bikini.
How do u feel about your boyfriend looking at other girls in bikinis on social media?..
Coz from a guy’s perspective, he doesn’t want others seeing and taking screenshots of your half naked body.
The only reason I would think people in relationships post half naked pics online, is to get “likes, comments and validation” from others.
If you’re single, by all means, do as you please.
yeah he is being possessive of your body, this is not okay. it would be different if you were practically naked, in lingerie or fetish gear or something but it’s a bikini, if you go out to swim, people are going to see you in a bikini and that’s totally normal. just post the picture if you want to.
You’re allowed to post whatever pics you want
He’s allowed to not like it and end the relationship over it
It’s your choice if this is a worthwhile endeavour but I’m sure 99% of the comments will call him controlling meanwhile most men would have a problem with you doing this
P.S.
For reference if my girlfriend posted bikini pics to social media she wouldn’t be my girlfriend anymore
Why would his coworkers look at your pictures?
It seems from your post is that you want attention from the post. If the picture is highlighting a certain body part with the intention of getting attention from male followers, I can see where your bf is coming from. Why would you need attention from others in addition to his attention? That being said, he has no right to control what you post, but he can control if he remains in a relationship with you or not.
This whole thing is simple to solve.
Talk to him.
If you want to post your body online do it. Its your right, if e doesnt want to be in a relationship with you(or anyone else) for doing that then thats his right to walk away from the relationship because of it.
I don’t know if it matters whether you want to label this a “boundary” or not. Maybe it’s because I’m old, I am just not sure if that distinction helps.
Bottom line: to him, a photo of you in a bikini is somehow private and only for him. I guess he considers it somewhere on a spectrum of things approaching nudity (I’m not saying it is nudity but he seems to view it as such).
Personally, I find his demand unreasonable. He doesn’t own your body, if you were in a public place in your bikini, other people would see it. It’s not a nude photo or a sexy pic in your underwear. But how I feel about this doesn’t matter since it’s not me or my relationship.
If he doesn’t want to date someone who has an instagram full of lingerie/bikini pics, I wouldn’t blame him at all. But this is one photo from your vacation when you happened to be wearing a swimsuit, not a recurring habit of you posting thirst-traps. But his feelings are what they are. You are well within your rights to choose to post the photo, or if you think his feelings are fair and reasonable then do not post it. You’re not wrong either way, IMO. He might be very upset though, if you post it. Different people have different views about these things, and these differing views might make you incompatible. How important is this to either of you?
Question: can you just change your privacy settings so his coworkers can’t see it? I would think it’s possible to post things so only your own friends can see them. That might solve it, if his problem is really about his coworkers.
Another question: if there was a picture of him in his swimsuit, would he think it’s fair if you wouldn’t let him post it? Does he not want you to wear a bikini at the beach or public pool where lots of people can look at you? If he objects to these things as well, do you want to be with this guy? If he doesn’t object, he’s not being consistent. Just something to think about.
My best suggestion is to talk it though with him. It may bring some clarity on if this is a controlling behavior or just a preference of his.
That said, my personal “boundary” here would be that I don’t date men who can’t handle dating somebody who posts an innocent bikini pic 🤷🏻♀️
🙄🤦♂️
This is only the beginning of this kind of nonsense.
My guess is that most people will say that he is controlling, and you can do whatever you want to cause it’s your body/pictures/social media. Your motivation seems to be that you want to show off bikini pics to get the approval of your social media followers. I think it’s a fair boundary to not want partners to post revealing pictures of themselves on social media when the motivation is I want people to like my body online cause I have been struggling with myself image.
Sure it’s your body and pictures, but it takes 2 to people for a relationship to work.
Would you want a bunch of thirsty girls lusting over your bf? Possibly even messaging him?
If you were honest, you would say no.
Unfortunately, there’s a stereotype that proves itself true over and over again about women needing attention and validation like oxygen from anybody they can get it from, especially men.
If it were just for you, there’s zero need to have it set for the public.
Would it perhaps help if you posted in the caption what a nice time you had with your BF or include pics of you together in the post? I personally think you should be able to post whatever you want but it’s kind of you to want to consider your partners feelings. This could be an issue but hopefully open communication and “compromise” would help you both feel more at ease
Why are his coworkers following you on social media?
But anyways, do what makes YOU happy. Your body, your choice. If he can’t support that, find another guy who will.
He has every right to not want you to post them, you also have every right to determine if that’ll be a dealbreaker. You each have the right to each other to find a middle ground (assuming again it’s not a dealbreaker for you)
It‘s your right to post your body online and it‘s his right to not want to be with someone who does that. It‘s your decision which is more important to you.
It’s your body, do as you please.
But you know the comments overall will be different.
Now you sound like you are seeking attention, some doors shouldn’t be open if those doors would cause issues in your partnership.
You have to decide how important is that attention is to you?
Then he would have to decide if that attention that you will get more important that you will receive more important than your partnership.
Either way there will be 2 issues on the table, those issues will be who will control this situation? And how you guys respond to the other.
I want to dive into this random question because I think the online conversation is a little odd and I will explain further.
Boundaries aren’t inherently healthy good/bad whatever but I think the common use of the term does imply healthiness which is why the conversation is confusing.
It’s interesting because a lot of people are saying its simply controlling to want your partner to behave a certain way and boundary if you leave your partner if they don’t behave that way which even as I type this SURELY is obviously unhealthy.
The issue is much more nuanced than that – and IMO for this situation the line between healthy and unhealthy is largely in the MEANS not the end, so to speak.
To apply it for this scenario it sounds like BF is uncomfortable – the issues I have is whether his reasons and methods honest and equitable. e.g it sounds like he really is just trying to spin out any argument that *works* to get you to agree to them – to me that’s controlling because BF is trying to do whatever works to get you to do what he wants.
If BF said, oh that makes me uncomfortable, said why and this is KEY gave you genuine and non-judgemental space to make your decision / reassure them and so on.
I’m waffling but just to explain more simply
Healthy = reasonable expectations, honest explanations, and room for discussion
Unhealthy = not reasonable, “tactics” rather than communication, achieve boundary at all costs.
Pardon my language but how the fuck are photos of you *his* boundaries?!
That’s not boundaries, that’s *rules*. Post whatever photos you like, he can just deal with it.
Who are you posting the photo for? If it makes you feel good about yourself, get it framed.
If it’s about that little bit of a buzz you get from likes and compliments, that’s a little different.
If it’s about specific compliments you’d like to receive from a certain group of people that you wouldn’t want them to say to you in public in front of your boyfriend, well that’s kind of scivey
If it’s about wanting a replacement pipeline for your boyfriend, that’s super scivey.
He doesn’t understand your motivations and assumes the worst. It’s a boundary for him. Instead of just dismissing his boundary as unreasonable or part of some greater system of tyranny, maybe talk about it with him?
There are privacy settings in social media apps. You can control who can see your photo. What he not saying out loud is he doesn’t want other guys looking at your photo for sexual purposes, especially his coworkers. The idea makes him uncomfortable. You two need a real honest conversation.
Another bullshit post
Why do you need to share private pictures taken by someone else online? What validation do you need that you don’t get elsewhere? Sorry, but I don’t think it’s controlling to question the desire to share every intimate moment with your social media sphere
Boundaries are how you allow other people to interact with you. Not controlling the acts of others around you to suit your needs.
Question for you OP… would you mind if he likes and comments on pictures of other girls/coworkers in bikini’s? If you do think you’d be bothered by it, then that’s probably how he feels having other people see/like/comment on your bikini pictures
Just a thought.
What’s more important to you, showing off your body to your “followers” on Instagram or your boyfriend?
Because posting bikini pics of yourself comes across as attention seeking which is a turnoff for many people. Not weird for him to be uncomfortable with that.
So – him telling you not to post them isn’t a boundary, but if he doesn’t want to be with the kind of woman who publicly posts bikini photos for attention, that’s a boundary.
It doesn’t sound like he’s forcing you to not post those pictures, therefore he is not being controlling. I wouldn’t want my wife posting pictures of her in such revealing clothing for all to see either. Nor would she. He’s telling you what kind of behavior respects his boundaries. He wants to be the only man to see you in little and no clothing.
>He says why would anyone want their girl posting that stuff for all my followers to see.
I hate when people generalize like this. My wife’s a knockout, and I don’t mind her posting a swimsuit pic on her social media if she wants. I also wouldn’t expect her to seek or need my permission to do that. Your boyfriend is absolutely allowed to have this as a boundary, everybody has different standards, but I personally think he’s being a bit silly.
>My question is – what is the difference between having boundaries and being controlling?
Short version, a boundary is saying “I don’t date people who do X.” Controlling is saying “I forbid you to do X.” The latter is pretty much always bad, the former is sometimes bad and sometimes acceptable depending on what the boundary is and how it was discussed. That being said even if he’s presenting this as a boundary and not being controlling that doesn’t mean you have to agree with it. The other major difference between boundaries and being controlling is that boundaries are usually negotiated and agreed upon by both people, not unilaterally declared by one person.
Not having heard the conversation between you two I can’t say for sure which this is. Is this a policy of his he’s had for a long time and you’ve been aware of it, or is this the first time it’s ever come up? Either way he is free to say “I don’t like this” and you are free to say “I understand but it’s my body and my social media and I want to post it,” just be aware that he’s also free to say “let’s break up” in response if this is an incredibly serious boundary for him. I would think he’s ridiculous for doing so, but it’s his right to have a ridiculous hangup that interferes with his dating life if he wants.
> Why are some people okay with it versus not okay with it?
Oh, there are a million possibles answers to that. Some people are just more conservative and prudish. Some people are more open. Some people are fine with others posting that sort of thing but not their partners, which to my mind is a little hypocritical.
>he got defensive saying that’s only for him to see
Don’t date guys like this. You’re not his property. He doesn’t own your body. His coworkers must be creepy af if he’s that worried about them seeing a photo.
Good grief, it’s a bikini.
His boundary is he doesn’t want you to post the picture. You get to decide if that boundary works for you. If this boundary doesn’t work then you might be breaking up.
I cannot imagine my partner caring about a bikini post. If he did care that would be a deal breaker for me. My body I can show it if I want. His body he can show his if he wants. I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me. Nothing bad can happen to me from him showing off his body. Or vice versa so who cares
If you can’t handle a bad bitch don’t date one
These be the same dudes that are out here liking insta models or other girls’ pictures in bikinis or barely any clothes talking about “it doesn’t mean anything Instagram is for liking pictures!”
Leave him at the curb w the rest of the trash