My bf works a manual labor job. That’s actually how we met. I’ve also done manual labor jobs. I know how exhausting it is. However, I still kept my house clean and cooked dinner.

I cook dinner every single night for him. And breakfast on the weekends. I also do 90% of the house cleaning. He has occasionally vacuumed, like three times in 4 years.

Obviously, I’m losing my mind at this point. He thinks that being tired is an acceptable excuse for not doing the one thing I asked him to do. Which is dishes. That’s literally it. I cook all my meals at home, so if last night’s dishes aren’t done, I have to do the dishes before I can make breakfast and the rest of the days meals.

A lot of times I don’t even say anything to him. If he didn’t do the dishes. I just quietly suck it up because I know it sucks to work. But I can’t help the fact that I feel disrespected.

If I lived alone or had a normal roommate, I wouldn’t be cooking dinner every night. Some nights I would just order out or eat nothing. I wouldn’t have to pick up after anyone other than myself.

Likewise, if he was single, no one would be cooking dinner for him. No one would be doing the dishes for him. No one would be cleaning the house for him.

I’m not a stay-at-home wife. We split the bills 50/50.

I’m not crazy right? Like I get sacrificing for your partner, but I don’t see how he’s sacrificing anything particularly for me. He didn’t put a ring on it. He doesn’t have any plans to put a ring on it… Is him being tired from work an acceptable excuse for just coming home and doing nothing? If he was living alone, I guess he could just come home from work and crash and do nothing. But he also wouldn’t eat if he did nothing. I don’t know. Help?

48 comments

  2. I mean objectively, if you’re home all day, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do all those things. Like….what do you do?

    When I was a SAHW due to our country posting where I couldn’t work, I did all the things. It was nice to have our free time together spent having a nice time.

    You’re not working to pay for your half but you said it’s disability so if you literally cannot wash the dishes, I get it.

    The argument of “he’d have to do it on his own if he was single” doesn’t really work for me so much since you’re choosing to make those messes. He probably wouldn’t bother to cook and would just do take out, ya know?

    I dunno. I can appreciate your frustration. Stop doing some of the stuff if you don’t want to. You’re not obligated to cook every night.

  3. If you are paying half the bills and doing 90% of the house work, you are doing your fair share (and probably then some). I would explain to him that your current contributions to the house are enough.

    Being tired is not an excuse for him to not contribute to the household. I do not understand how men have such little expectations of themselves where they fell entitled to literally not help around the house they live in.

    If this situation does not work for him, then he is not interested in a partnership. He wants to be taken care of.

  4. The state isn’t really known for paying disability out generously. If you can’t work, you can’t work. Do as much as you would do for yourself and maybe 10% extra and that’s it. Sit down with him and tell him you need a new chore split up.

  5. It seems like you two need to sit down and have a conversation about your feelings on this and talk about possibly changing up the current status quo. A possible change could be him doing more chores. Another possibility is you two could change how bills are paid so it’s no longer 50/50 and he pays more for the luxury of not having to clean, cook, grocery shop, keeping track of bills, etc. A third possibility is if you stop doing certain things such as cooking for him, doing laundry, or cleaning certain things. Try to keep an open dialogue about this and hopefully, since you both care for each other, you can work together to find a solution to the problem.

  6. So I get where you both are coming from but I’m leaning towards him being “more right”. I would say cook 4-5 times a week rather than everyday. It’s a lot. He can fend for himself 1-2 days a week. But with the cleaning, you aren’t cleaning the whole house everyday. Nor are you grocery shopping everyday. Both of those tasks can be done in one day. Maybe two.

  7. So he works all day, you’re at home all day without a job, and you’re unhappy you’re doing too many household chores.

    If I was talking to him, I’d tell him it’s time to cut her loose.

  8. You’re not crazy, he’s a shit “partner”.

    Either you stop paying bills, or he does his share of housework. Honestly men who pull this shit deserve to be alone.

  9. It seems like you two are not on the same page when it comes to relationship responsibilities. If you can’t get there it might be time to rethink this relationship.

  10. Tell him you’ll do 100% of the housework if he pays 100% of the bills. This man is not a partner. He is exploiting you.

  11. I just left a partner like this because it’s exhausting to be the only one pulling their weight in a relationship.

  12. You aren’t crazy. If all you truly want him to do is the dishes that’s WAY more than reasonable. A serious conversation needs to be had and lots of people here have recommended how to run it.

    I don’t really like ultimatums in any relationship (unless you’re looking to end one) but terms to discuss should include you stop paying your half in full if you’re doing his “half” at home, or he just does the dishes and if the dishes arent done then no dinners are getting made. You have to negotiate a boundary and then stick to it. Whatever seems fair or best to you.

    If he can’t meet you somewhere on this than you’re being exploited and you should move out. As you said, a roommate would be more fair. You don’t have to live together just because you’re in a relationship and once a relationship gets to that point, there’s no law that says you can’t back it up.

    Its not working living together so I’m going to get my own place where I pay my own way and do my own chores, or man up and do the fng dishes. (Again, ultimatums are awful, so phrase things carefully)

  13. My partner did more of the house work when they were jobless, but even then I still did some. When they got a job and started paying bills/rent I took on more of the house work.

    I think everyone should have a set up that works for them, and it clearly sounds like this isn’t working for you. You need to have a conversation with him about how he is not meeting your needs. If I was in your shoes, I would feel extremely taken advantage of.

  14. Stop cooking for him and doing things for him.

    If he wants you to do his share of housework then he can compensate you (put the money in savings as your security net)

    He is wrong and thinks you’re too desperate to be in a relationship to leave him over him not pulling his weight.

    If you are financially supporting your share of bills/household then he has no argument. He owes his half of housework or he owes you money. Not having a job does not mean you are his servant.

    I’ve known many on disability. 100% of people I’ve met on disability would give *anything* to be ‘normal’ enough to work themselves.

  15. If he was paying all the bills I would say that it’s fair for you to do the housework, but you are contributing 50% while also doing all the housework isn’t really fair. That’s why a lot of women choose to stay single. You are not really getting much out of this partnership. It’s more work for you when you could just split bills and rent with a roommate.

  16. No, you’re not crazy. If you pay half the bills, then you only should be doing half of the home upkeep. I can understand doing more because you don’t work, and personally, when I’ve been in a similar situation, I chose to do more chores so we had more time to hang out, but at no point did myself or my partner view it as an obligation.

  17. You split bills 50/50 and he feels you should do 100% of the cleaning and cooking? Like your his maid?

  18. # People on this thread are disgusting.

    # OP pays 50% of the bills. She already does 90% of the chores and her “partner” does not even want to wash the dishes.

    # The only mooching here is the partner; he gets to have more free time and nice things and a clean house and meals and his laundry done because his partner is disabled!!!!

    # Does any of you know how much it costs to have a maid/housekeeper doing everything for you? A FUCKING TON. And here is OP paying 50% of the bills plus doing a lot of unpaid work for his lazy partner.

    # And a lot of people here think OP is living the good life because she stays home and gets disability. I’m sure OP would rather not be disabled for serving her country! Bunch of assholes here.

  19. So you need to talk to him.

    You are splitting the bills 50/50, so he isn’t supporting you, so you don’t need to support him either.

    I think home stuff should be split based on time, not necessarily on who contributes more. So if I contribute 60% of the income, but I work from home and my partner has a long commute, I should do a bit more around the house. Similarly, since you stay at home, you can do more, but that doesn’t mean 100%. Even if he paid 100% of the bills, he still needs to do SOME things around the home.

    Since you say you haven’t really talked to him about this, it is time. Tell him he needs to start pulling his weight around the home. Be clear there are things you are willing to do more of- like cooking since he is on the way home from work so that’s a chore that’s easier for you to handle- but that you aren’t his maid. He should be doing closer to 50% of the work at home, and the fact that he won’t do the bare minimum isn’t going to cut it anymore.

    Stay calm, come with a few examples but more so solutions and expectations- I expect you to do the dishes if I cook, I expect you to do your own laundry and pick up after yourself, I expect you to make time to help with big chores (think a day of getting the garden ready for spring, deep cleaning the carpets, painting). If you come in with your expectations, it is less of “you didn’t do these things” and you fight over if that is true or not, and more about how to make the relationship work.

    And if he is an asshole about it, then you have your answer.

  20. He is far to young to be tired all the time. Tell him you’re feeling unappreciated. That you’re done cooking every night and only cook when you feel like it. You are not his housekeeper.

  21. No, him having a physical job does not absolve him from doing housework nor dishes.

    Tell him ‘I am not cooking for you if you are not going to do you part and wash dishes.’ Then only cook for yourself if he doesn’t do the dishes. It’s only fair that whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean up.

    Also, if he ‘isn’t going to put a ring on it’ then why are you living together? Is this the kind of relationship that you want? Do you really want to put up with a 26 YO that thinks his only responsibility is to have a job??

  22. 33 y/o Disabled vet here. I work full time, do all the chores, and pay all the bills.
    Sorry for what youre going through. All I can say is dont wait for them to start respecting you as an equal. Its not gonna happen.
    Get out.

  24. Tell him if he doesn’t want to wash dishes he needs to spring for a dishwasher, and it will still be expected that he loads it and empties it. 🤷

  26. My boyfriend works factory work, 10-12 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week, then fights me about chores…he says, “No, YOU go sit down, I’m doing this!”

    He does floors, laundry, cleans, cooks, and bakes, and brings me tea in bed at night

    I hope that dick is fucking FANTASTIC, cause you’re getting screwed

  27. I think the problem is being taken for granted more than the actual work tbqh.

    That being said I don’t know if some of these comments really make sense, how much of the bills you pay shouldn’t determine how much of the chores you do. For example me and my wife both work but I probably pay more than twice the amount she does on our rent/bills. That doesn’t mean she should do twice the work.

    Also during the pandemic I was basically on vacation the whole time since there was barely any work coming in, but the paycheck was still coming as usual. I took on pretty much all the chores then, since it just seemed to make sense that way. Wife was out of the house 9 hours and change, and there was WAY less than 9 hours worth of chores so it still felt like I was way ahead in terms of how much we were putting in/how much time we had to relax at home. Only times I would feel annoyed by the situation was when it felt like she was taking it for granted.

  28. Stop cooking every night. You spilt the bills 50/50. He needs to contribute more to the household. Take a break. He can figure out dinner.

  29. You are not crazy. He needs to step up. Maybe he hates washing dishes, maybe he should take on a different regular chore.

  31. You’re not married and don’t share finances. So what’s he’s doing here is A) expecting you to take on his share of unpaid household labor, which doesn’t benefit to you, so that B) he can work this job and make his income…which also doesn’t benefit you.

    So yeah, it’s completely fair to want to renegotiate the divide to be different. And also completely fair to re-examine the whole relationship it he feels like he’s entitled to just refuse.

  32. No one should be cooking for him, cleaning for him. He’s worthless. Do not marry him, he has negative value.

  34. Don’t cook if he doesn’t do dishes. Or something like that, I cook 99.999% of the time and I didn’t want to do dishes but in the end I do them about 1:3 of the time. Because he is in fact tired. But if food waste goes on the sink, nearly any food waste I won’t cook for 24 hours. Hard pass.

  35. He doesn’t respect you. This is unacceptable in my book, and I would end the relationship.

  36. You are at home and would otherwise be doing nothing while he is doing hard labor. You should be handling majority of the chores. You both pay bills equally, so your LABOR needs to be equal too. He goes to work, you take care of the home. If you want less chores, get a job. Making him take on even more labor because you don’t want to isn’t fair, then he will be doing the majority of the labor, both work and chore labor. Not fair in the slightest.

  37. I totally disagree with basically everyone in here. Money has nothing to do with it. Split your bills fairly by making your portions match your incomes, and shoot for equalizing the free time you both have. So, yes, that means if you’re not working, you should do more chores while he’s working. Unless it’s more strenuous on you or something due to whatever landed you on VA disability?

    You’re not wrong for being irritated about the dishes, since that’s reflective of a chore (dinner) that digs into both of your time

  39. Yeah, no. If you split the bills evenly, the chores should be as well.

    My advice would be to stop doing things for him, and just do chores that pertain to you (and whatever around the house YOU need in order to feel comfortable). He’ll either realize how much you’ve been doing for him, and actually (hopefully) learn to appreciate all that you help with. Or, he’ll complain about you not “doing your part” and you’ll know that he doesn’t appreciate what you do. Then, act accordingly.

  40. Ummm you should be **grateful** he didn’t put a ring on it. Otherwise you’d be legally tied to someone who sees you as a bang maid.

    Guys like your boyfriend don’t change.

    Get out or accept that you’re carrying the relationship. Think about it: you provide 50% of the finances and all the domestic labor. That means you contribute 75% to your boyfriend’s 25%. While that’s annoying when you’re dating, that’s absolutely untenable if you have kids.

    Get out. Stop wasting time trying to change him. Your boyfriend is looking for a bang maid, no more, no less. If you don’t want that, you’re fundamentally incompatible. Move on.

  41. Please no with the ‘he didn’t put a ring on it’. That suggests if he *did* put a ring on it, he should expect you to do 100% of everything. Yuck.

  44. I’m not going to lie, I had my pitchfork ready in the beginning… But Hell no! If you are paying half of everything than IMO you have every right to be mad/frustrated. Relationships are partnerships. Both of you should ideally feel that you are lessening the loads for one another so that you both can be better.

    It sounds to me like your day-to-day life would be easier for you on your own. I would ask him if he feels the same way.

    And they can screw off by comparing “how you both earn your money” sorry not sorry you have to spend 8-12 hours doing manual labor v.s. a more lucrative job that can make twice as much in half the time. Not the issue here.

    You say if he lived alone he may just order out, probably live in filth. Could he EVEN afford to do that? Sounds like he’s getting a lot more out of this partnership than you.

    And thank you for your service to our country. Don’t get it twisted, you are being compensated for your service to your country. You now suffer lifetime discomfort/challenges for your sacrifice. The compensation you receive is the least we can do.

    Take a step back and pretend your situation is your best friend and they are coming to you for help. What would you tell your bestfriend?

  45. Why have you accepted this for 4 YEARS?

    A good therapist can help you get to the root of why you believe this is as good as it gets for you.

    You deserve a partner who cares about you the same way you care about them.

  46. My boyfriend works 10 hrs a day in a manual labor job. Monday thru Friday, sometimes Saturdays too. He cooks dinner every night. That’s it. That’s all he’s responsible for. I do everything else in our home. I don’t work becuz I’m unable to find a job in our current location. I clean, do dishes, take care of our pets, sweep, mop, do laundry, everything else you can think of. There’s no excuse for your boyfriend to NOT do dishes that takes 30 mins if that.

  47. In the last post I was on I got into this same discussion. The consensus was that the housework should be split based on free time available and not on how much money people pay towards the bills. So, if a man and woman work full time, but the man pays 70% of the bills then he should still do half of the chores since they have the same amount of free time at home.

    In this scenario the situation is you have a lot more free time than him so, naturally, most of the housework is going to be done by you.

    Yes, I’m waiting for the downvotes because the genders are reversed here. Yet, this same exact argument was made and I think I got 400-500 downvotes for saying otherwise. Well, I’m here to redeem myself and show that I can learn from others. So, I’m hoping this sub will be consistent in stating that if you’re not working (I.e. have more free time) then you should be doing the lion’s share of the housework. I’m not counting on it though.

  48. I think saying how much someone pays should dictate how much housework they do is unfair to those who stay home and don’t pay any bills. If you’ve cleaned up the house during the day, fine… but when he gets home you are both responsible for cleaning up. No matter how much the other pays.

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