My gf and I have been together for about a year and change. She’s my first real relationship and I love her intensely. I always thought we had a fairly healthy sex life(4+ times a week, more if she’s staying over).
Recently we were both intoxicated and were having sex. Very soon after it was over, she said offhandedly that I don’t last long enough for her in bed. I was stunned, I didn’t know what to say. I just looked at her and she kept going, with more details(exact time I usually take to finish).
At this point, I stutter out something along the lines of, “I didn’t know you felt like this”, she responds with “well, you’re very sensitive about talking about sex”. Which tbf I am(due to a laundry list of issues). At this point, I’m spiraling, thoughts going in every direction: “did she ever like having sex with me?”, “does she even like me?”, is my equipment is good enough, etc.
I believe she saw the hurt on my face and she tried to reassure me. I calmed down outwardly and said we should probably talk about it later. Unfortunately life got in the way and she had to leave.
Have been thinking about it all day and I don’t really know what to do. On one level, I feel the way she shared the criticism was pretty harsh. I would never say anything like that to her, even if it was true. It made me fee like she didn’t care about how I felt, though she did say that she only said it because she was intoxicated.
On another level, I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. It feels like I have never been able to satisfy my girlfriend. Even with my sensitivity around sex, we did talk about it pretty frequently, and i’ve always asked if there were things I could do better, things she wanted to try. I understand women are socially pushed into not talking about their sexual needs but it feels like if I had known this earlier, I could’ve tried to improve. The thought about having sex with her now makes me very anxious and ashamed.
We haven’t talked much since the incident. I’m trying to figure out how I actually feel besides the ego blow. I still love her of course but there’s cloud hanging over us now.
21 comments
I guess the most obvious question is – what do you both regard as “sex”.
Is what you do just a “get your gear off, stick it in and wham bam we are done and where’s the towel?”, or is it a lot of foreplay, cuddling, sensual activities with the PIV part right at the end when you are both ready to finish off the evening (and then asking who gets the towel)?
Sex means different things to many people and to quite a few, the actual PiV is the climax to the fun, and not just the first, 2nd and last acts of the event.
I totally understand why this would be tough to hear, and she could’ve (and should’ve) broached the topic much differently. I’m going to toss that up to the intoxication. Try not to take it personally. It just takes women longer to orgasm than men.
With that said, if she didn’t enjoy the sex, she wouldn’t want it to last longer. Really she just wants to orgasm. You can try increasing foreplay, bring a vibrator in to stimulate her from two points instead of just vaginally, practice edging, ejaculate independently prior in the day, or maybe even throw a condom on.
Y’all need to talk about it though. Otherwise things could get very, very awkward.
That wasn’t hard criticism. Would you rather she kept it to herself? Do you think your sensitivity is exactly the reason she didn’t bring it up before? Instead of throwing a pity party, have you thought of ways of addressing the issue now?
You’re being way too sensitive and your gf did nothing wrong. Obviously you’re so sensitive about sex talk she can only be honest when intoxicated which you confirmed. Her critisizm isn’t harsh at all, it was simple, honest and to the point which sex talk should be between intimate partners. You need to acknowledge her and talk to her openly about this without immediately spiraling and letting your insecurities win. Then you can come up with a plan together on how to fix this otherwise your relationship is doomed to end if you can’t talk about and fix your sex life.
I love a partner that can communicate that kind of stuff in the bedroom. Keeps me from having to keep guessing. Everyone has different wants and needs as far as that’s concerned. I’ve had partners who wanted me to last longer and partners that I lasted too long with. Don’t take it personal, take it as a cheat sheet to get your girl off.
Google foreplay. Do that for at least 20 min before the 30 seconds.
It is a good thing she finally spoke up. Would you prefer not to know about it and her resentment about your sex life building up?
Ask her what she prefers during sex and listen. What turns her on the most. What turns her off. Do what she prefers.
There are numbing lubes that will make you last significantly longer. There are awesome books like “Come as you are” and “She comes first”. There are videos you can watch about how to improve your oral sex skills and foreplay.
There are a lot of subs here about improving sex life.
What she told you is not an insult or disrespect or a sign that she doesn’t live you, you both will benefit from this conversation.
You are lucky she shared that with you because this is a way to increasing the sex life for both of you.
Forget about the ego blow, relationships and sex do not come with instructions, do not be hard on you.
Turn this into positive, have good convo about what she likes, what she needs. Role play : tell her that next time you do exactly what she asks or whatever else the 2 of you can figure out.
If you engage with her and make your sex life better, you will laugh about that one year from today.
First and foremost, being intoxicated is not an excuse to be obnoxious and insensitive to your partner. Many partners will expect you to “read their minds” or simply to know by magical means how their particular body is best pleased. That’s unfortunate. She should have been an adult much earlier and expressed clearly early on the relationship what turns her on and how to please her. It’s a passive aggressive excuse to hold back for so long because she wants to “spare your feelings”. Really she just wanted to avoid being direct hoping you would simply just get better over time.
You do have an opportunity. Have an adult conversation and tell her there are many ways for you to last longer. You’d be happy to expand your knowledge of her body and kinks. Having expressed that, let her know the ways in which she could stand to improve on her abilities including what pleases you most. Meet effort with effort.
Why can’t you talk about sex? Frankly, you shouldn’t be having sex if you can’t communicate about it with your partner and are so sensitive about sex that your partner doesn’t feel like they can give constructive feedback.
What she said wasn’t overly harsh.
When a person is drunk or tired , the truth comes to the top like scum on a pond . There is nothing wrong with you , dude . Y’all just need to talk about what you both need .
Toys.
We ain’t beating the robots brother.
But seriously use them they are fun.
Here is a suggestion… ask her to help you get better and just lie there and take you instructions like a man. Practice, practice, practice!
If it never works out for her you will be a Latin lover for the next chick.
I had and old girlfriend instruct me about 35 years ago and I still use the same moves on my wife.
She could have been nicer but it’s good that she was honest that she’s unsatisfied
Learning hard but fun, it sucks to hear it later in a relationship but you know now. My advice is communicate, ask her what she needs and how and what she wants and learn ways to read her mood.
Sometime quick can be good, other times you need to read the room. I can pick up no for-play signals, I can read the let’s make this last, and you have some work to do to get the engine started. Asking after, and not making it a big deal works and it gets easier.
Honestly for me learning what drives my partner nuts is half the fun. Try new things, use the playbook that works ask for feedback. Come up with new ideas, see what gets her going.
Chances are she was trying to spare your feelings, got drunk and the lowered inhibitions just mouth farted the words, doesn’t make it okay or any less hurtful, but I doubt she was sitting there maliciously hoping you’d spontaneously combust, unless she’s just being unrealistic, if you’re going from foreplay to popping in under 10, she’s probably frustrated, if you guys bang for an hour every time there might be something else.
As for the sex, a lot of people are terrible at it (not saying you are or anything) and communication is the first step, don’t take this as “oh god I’m terrible” take it as “okay, how can I improve”.
A lot of sex is confidence meeting knowledge and experience. If you’re nervous or unsure about it, research, read up on it, the biggest thing though is TALKING to her.
“The way you brought it up was hurtful, but I understand if you’re frustrated, how can we take our sex life to the next level?”
Good luck man.
Look man, you don’t last long enough because it feels too damn good!
Just because you nut doesn’t mean you can’t start goin down on her for a couple few minutes and then get back to business with your diq.
I’m 36 and sometimes that 3rd nut will take an hour
A lot of times the sounds of her about to go makes me go but I don’t stop
Talk to her. Tell her how you felt after what she said.
Take on some of the advice in other comments of how you can improve etc.
If she is apologetic, and then appreciates the work you putting are in, then continue, and hopefully you will have a wonderful relationship together going forward.
Question – if you put all the effort you say you do into sex, what does she do? Just because you don’t last long PIV doesn’t mean she gets to do nothing for you. She should be putting in as much effort as you are.
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You could choose to look at it this way: she wants you to keep going. She wants more sex! What’s not to like?
Okay all of these comments about “take the criticism” is bullshit in my opinion.
Is this something she should have voiced? Yes.
But the timing and the way she did is absolute shit. You don’t say stuff like “you don’t last long enough for me in bed” or “you don’t move your body enough for me” after sex.
This shows an absolute lack of empathy and disrespect from her part and I bet none of these people who support her actions would go “hooray communication ” if their partner did the same to them after sex.
This is something that both of you should work together. This is something that she should have addressed with care and tact. She is absolutely the AH in this situation for not doing so and it is understandable that you are hurt.