My wife is having twin boys. Neither of us really had a dad growing up (both lost our dads as pre-teens and didn’t have good relationships while alive).

What should I know about raising boys? What advice do you have for forming a strong bond with my sons?

29 comments

  1. I did the opposite of what my father did as best I could. I couldn’t be close in proximity all the time while I’ve been separated, but, we speak every day and I get her as often as I can. Love them.

  2. Be the man you needed when you didn’t have one of your own.

    edit: oshit, this is getting traction. I should elaborate:

    Patience, forbearance, always seek the win-win. You’ll do well to express stoicism in the face of chaos, wiliness in the face of need, and impassive nonchalance in the face of desperate times. Don’t fight in front of the kids, and never discuss the finances until they have their own bank account. Then, discuss the finances but never actually how dire they are, in fact.

    Be the role model you needed. If you can’t, then just fake it for their sake.

  3. Play with them, give them guidance, get them to do sports, don’t be as loving as your wife.

  4. Start by reflecting on all the times you wish you had a father to talk to or to guide you. Be understanding, part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them.

  5. My dad grew up without his father. When my first son was born, my dad told me to make sure my son knows I love him. As in, actually say it.

    Also, be there. As a child, my dad worked a lot. He did it to provide for my sister and I, but he’s made it clear that it is one of his biggest regrets as a father.

  6. Treat them as individuals. Listen to their needs. Support them and help them realize what they want out of life

  7. Just be there. Spend time with them. Have real conversations about life, even when they are young. It’s ok if they don’t get it, you’re planting seeds.

  8. My dad split when I was 5. I saw him every other weekend until I was about 11 before he ghosted. I didn’t really have a male role model to speak of except for my friends’ dads who were around when we hung out.

    I have a 17 year old son now and I can tell you that just being present is the best way to bond. You’re going to make mistakes, you’re going to lose your temper, and you’re going to feel like you’re failing a lot…but just being present and showing him what kind of human YOU are is the best bet. If you consistently ignore him when he needs you, he’s going to grow up distant. If you throw hands when you’re mad, he’ll throw hands too. If you work hard and show him how to work hard even when it’s difficult, he’ll develop that same work ethic. If you can apologize when you mess up, he’ll feel the power of empathy and forgiveness. He’s going to mirror you and your reactions as his roadmap to adulthood.

    There’s no easy way to do parenting but I’ve found that your time is worth way more in the long run than anything else.

  9. Give them discipline, structure and guidance with love and reassurance. Support them but demand the best for them and let them fall down and make their own mistakes sometimes. Teach them how to be brave and explore.

  10. When they piss you off and they will, remember they are children. Don’t give into every whim they have and always act with kindness and understanding.

  11. My kid is 2.5…

    Just be patient. Realize they don’t know how to control their emotions.

    Realize the same sex parent is the more important one after the baby stage.

    Realize they will bond with your wife first and you might not for a while, it’s normal.

    Once they get older, make sure they know you love them. And make sure they know you love your wife. When I bring my kid to daycare I pick him up and he gives mom a goodbye kiss then he grabs the back of both of our heads and makes us kiss and he smiles.

    Once they get older your job is to teach them to be men. You need to prepare them. Your wife can never teach that.

  13. My father was always on his computer in his study. Or out photographing relastate. Only time I got to spend time with him was when I helped him with the maps or numbering his home profiles and keeping track of whish photo was which house. (This was before digital)….so basically help with work or get lost kid.

    When I met my step son he was 3. His had father left him on his birthday but he dosnt remember that.

    I read him bedtime stories, I made silly voices durring dinner, I took him out to the back yard to play catch, we went to karate together and boyscouts.

    He’s Turing 14 this year and reminds me every time he gets angry that I’m not his dad but when his chin hairs start growing I’m going to teach him to shave with my grandfather’s razer and pass it on. Even though my dad didn’t teach me. My grandmother offered it to me before she passed.

    So yeah basically think in every situation how would my dad handle this, and do the opposite. Be a friend and a teacher. Be a leader and student.

  14. Teach them not to have the problems a lot of guys do. Teach them how to talk about their problems and not bottle everything up inside; They shouldn’t be ashamed to have feelings.

    Not specific to boys, but encourage whatever interest they have. Make them comfortable in sharing themselves with you. Both my parents have been in my life, but when I try and share something I enjoy with them usually it’s like I’m talking with a wall or like they’re just nodding and waiting for me to go away. So I don’t share things with them often.

    and if they confide in you don’t assume you know better and invalidate what they think and feel. Part of this is making it so that they feel comfortable expressing themselves, but it’s also about fostering agency. If you encourage them to make choices and be proactive about doing things, then they’re going to be independent without it coming at those cost of having a bad relationship with you.

    I also think you’ll like [Dad, how do I?](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNepEAWZH0TBu7dkxIbluDw) it’s a channel that teaches things you’d typically learn from a father; If you don’t know something you can’t teach it to them.

  15. Lead by example the way you feel a man should be + just be there. Especially for the big things in life. Lastly, expose them to activities that build confidence. The earlier they have it the better

  18. Never let them feel like they’re a burden to you

    Take them out for day trips just you and them doing something you all like (my dad used to take me fishing)

    Have healthy male friendships that they can look at

  19. My dad’s father was killed in an industrial accident. I had a pretty good relationship with mine.

    BUT, Mine didn’t know what to say to me, when it came to dealing with people. I never knew how to make friends. He told me zero on how to talk to girls. I learned nothing from him about how to interact with girls, heck, I never knew what made girls, girls. If it wasn’t for growing up in a farm environment, I would never know where babies come from. Both of my parents never knew how much I struggled in high school. All they knew, was that I wouldn’t do any extracurricular activities at school. I never got asked why. I think, they finally got the hint, when they found me in the car after grad exercises, wanting to get the hell away from that mess.

    I think it finally sunk in, when they noticed I wasn’t dating. Or going to parties and gatherings. Yet, neigher ever asked me why. I never knew HOW to interact with people. I went to work with my dad, doing construction. All the hours and days we spent together, he never said one word to me about dealing with people.

    Now, all of the other things that parents do, they were gold with me. I knew they loved me, but they NEVER told me that, I just felt it. Whatever I learned about interacting with women, I had to learn it the hard way, by trial and error. I errored a lot. Many times, I just shied away from it all.

    Encourage your sons to get up and out into new situations. If they want to do some sport, Push it. Ask them if they talk to girls. Mine never did. Quiz them about any friends they might be making, or have. Actually, they never asked me about what I was doing in school.

    What I never learned, stops with me, I have no kids.

  20. My dad was an alcoholic and was never a part of my life nor did he care who I was. I’m here now to say that you should tell them you love them and always give an interest in who they are and what they love to do. Be supportive and tell them that they matter. And for gods sake just talk to them like they are human and not lesser than you. Just because you are an adult doesn’t mean your better than them and both ends can learn from each other on how to be better and love each other. I mean that’s what I wish I had.

  21. Be present. Make sure they know you love them unconditionally. Take an interest in their interests. Show them your interests. Teach them about what you know.

  22. (Girl here, sorry) Teach them about integrity, about doing the right thing even when no one is looking. They will want to do the things that make you feel proud of them, so try to acknowledge the good behaviorsyou do see. And teach them how to treat others, especially the women in their lives. They will follow your example on this, how you treat your wife, your mother, the waitress, the old lady in line, the one trying to open a door with her hands full. They will want to be like you in multiple ways, so just try to set a good example when you can.

  23. Mine bailed on me when I was young, then showed up occasionally in my preteen years (my brothers and I made good tax return deductibles), then completely bailed by moving out of state my Junior year of high school. Found out this past November he died three years ago. This whole ordeal taught me some things…

    I don’t tell my kids “I’m going to do x”; I do it.

    I used to hold my kids when they were babies and either read “Oh, The Places You Will Go”, or sang to them before bed.

    If they need help, I help. Pep talks, helping them with school work, giving opinions on outfit and hair style choices… My job is to build them up, build their confidence up, and provide the resources they need to be successful. If I don’t know how, I’ll google it if I have to. My life wasn’t terrible; my Mom gave us everything she possibly could. But I’m still going to give my kids a better life than I had.

    You’re going to screw up, even with the best of intentions. Own up to it, fix it (communicate!), and learn from it, so you don’t repeat it. Forgive yourself, as well. Screwing up with good intentions is better than not giving a shit.

    You will lose sleep. You’ll lose time. But you and your wife are a team. Sometimes, you’ll change diapers and get up at 2am to feed more than she will. Sometimes, she will. Don’t count how many each of you do it. This isn’t a game; if you become someone who wants to “win” at stupid stuff like this, You. Will. Lose. Not only that, your wife and kids will, too.

    Don’t forget to go out on dates with your wife. Many parents struggle with leaving their kids with a stranger or relative at such a young age, because they think that makes them a bad parent. It doesn’t; you need to maintain that bond with her.

    But if you can’t get away, even to a dinner at a nice place, bring the dinner to her. Make a nice meal, both of you dress up, and eat outside on a nice evening with candles and wine (or sparkling juice).

    Remember to tell her how beautiful she is. Giving birth to one baby, let alone twins, changes a woman’s body and hormones. She might get postpartum depression. Be grateful for what she went through to bring those two miracles into your life. Be understanding if things get sour.

    Be open about your feelings, too. Being understanding doesn’t mean “be a doormat”, but you’re an adult; it doesn’t have to come to a brawl. Be open and tactful in your communication, and try to squash things before they become issues.

    But maybe most of all, soak it all in. Time moves differently with kids. Some days will feel long and slow, but the next time you blink, they’re playing little league ball. After the next blink, they’re in Driver’s Ed.

    This is going to be the hardest, scariest, most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. Be up to the task, but don’t feel like you have to go it alone.

    Congratulations.

  24. Something that I always respected about my dad and my maternal grandfather was that they were always even-tempered. I never saw them yell or get angry or throw a fit or anything. That was huge for me, because a lot of the men I knew at the time just threw tantrums.

    My dad would also get down on his knee to look me in the eye *at my level*. A stern talk just means more when it’s coming at you calmly, and kind of quiet because it’s not coming from 3+ feet away.

    Also, my dad knew what was best for me. At the time, that meant that he was the messenger and translator between my mother and me so that we wouldn’t make our bickering worse. He didn’t have to do that, he wound up taking *a lot* of shit on my behalf. That’s something kids can pick up on but can’t necessarily understand what they’re picking up.

  25. What are the things you think you missed out on? Do those. I had a dad, and we often didn’t get along. I try to do the things he didn’t. I see our similarities and use them to relate to my son. My dad tried to deny those similarities and it caused a rift. When it all comes down to it, it’s just a matter of being there, and doing things with them that they’ll enjoy or learn from.

  26. I’m a 20M and in a lot of ways I’m far off from having kids, money, age etc. But I understand growing up without the presence of my father.

    I think the relationship will come naturally from your presence. Be humble, be present and be understanding. All of which will undoubtedly be hard, but I think having children is a great chance to learn life all over again!

    You just have to remember that your boys won’t grow up like you did and their circumstances are different. By that fact alone, keep it in mind that you will be learning with them. Your relationship will strengthen as you embark on the journey together. 🙂

  27. 5 words followed by 3 words. “I am proud of you. I love you” the only things a growing boy needs to hear from his pops.

  28. Apologize to them when you’ve done something wrong, and learn from it. Your children learn how to interact with people through you and your partner. No parent is perfect. But all of us can be honest.

  29. Love them openly and deeply. Embarrass them with how much you love them. Make them go, “dad, enough with the hugs”. Give them the gift of knowing their father loves them no matter what. Challenge them with responsibility. Teach them everything you know about the world.

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