I (26M) just got out of a 3 month fling, and the primary thing that ended it was a lack of chemistry, but honestly I don’t think it was that. I just get so anxious and awkward around people I date, and when that happens I can feel it and she even brought it up that I would get awkward around her. For the record I don’t have a lot of dating experience, but I’m just baffled that even after seeing her for 3 months, sex and meeting her parents that I still just couldn’t be my true self and was still nervous around her, and I really don’t know why because around my friends I am so much more confident. Maybe I put the people on a pedestal that I date, and am afraid of them not liking me, so I default to this timid and weird state. I dont know, any thoughts?
3 comments
I think you may have limiting beliefs surrounding being able to express yourself freely around a romantic partner for sure. If you’ve been bullied, shamed, or rejected in the past your mind will subconsciously create defence mechanisms (like becoming awkward etc.) to protect yourself from experiencing that pain again when you may get triggered.
If you’re worried she wasn’t going to perceive you well, or judge you negatively, you’ll block yourself from your own natural personality especially if you get caught up in your head about how you should act, or what the right things are to say.
It sounds like you have a pretty good read on the situation:
Not a ton of dating experience, getting nervous and being not relaxed, maybe being too afraid of rejection or idealizing others too much to be your normal, flawed self (just like them).
More experience and exposure, and pushing yourself to take more social risks (by being yourself) in the process will help. Therapy can help if talking to someone feels helpful.
In practice, you’ll get better at loosening up earlier and earlier in dating. Not everyone gets to a place where they’re *never* nervous: early date nerves are common and that’s fine— it just stops being debilitating and you eventually become able to chill out once you get more comfortable with the person.
What you might be underestimating is that while, yes, being authentic will push some people away, it will pull the right people toward you.
Yes, it involves being a little too awkward sometimes, maybe losing a second date or having a joke fall flat— but this isn’t something to fear.
Your date isn’t better than you, and you want them to find you charming or funny or insightful, too— yes, practice your social skills and graces, but dating isn’t solely about performing and succeeding to make an impression. It’s about finding chemistry, and that’s a two-way street.
>was a lack of chemistry
Or it that 1000%. Your body reacts to what’s wrong without you even paying attention to it. The reason why you act normal around your friend and nervous when you date girls is that you aren’t dating people you’d want to be friends with. It’s always the lack of chemistry. Not sexual chemistry, mind you, it’s ‘i like you as a person a lot and we vibe like crazy’ kinda chemistry. Choose better people, trust your gut, don’t date people you don’t see yourself becoming best friends with.