Hello,

So im writing this in hopes someone might shine some light on me. Im literally desperate right now. Please be kind as im on the verge of ending it all…

So to give a little background on the matter…
In 2021 I broke up with a guy in september. He was so manipulative and mean to me, he completely made me a different person. Sad, sick, depressed, a maniac, control freak and abusive to some extent… I knew I was but somehow I couldnt stop. So i broke up with him and decided im gonna work on myself because i was starting to hurt my family.
My now boyfriend was working with me and i never even looked at him before i broke up with my ex. He was a nobody, I didnt like his body his voice nothing. Nothing drew me in.
But then after the break up he heard me talking to someone that im single and asked me out. He had asked me before but i turned him down saying i was in a relationship and he respected that so much that he only spoke professionally to me, work related and some personal things and never hitting on me.
Then I agreed on a coffee date. We went and we talked and I didnt think we clicked. I didnt want a relationship telling him how broken i was but still went. There he seemed boring until he’s told me his ex like 7 years ago cheated on him in his own bed. After that he never took dating seriously but now he just wants to have a family and to give his love to someone. I felt so bad for him that i asked to continue the date taking a walk in a park. We talkes and after that we went out everyday. It was monday 8th of november. By 13th of november I was his gf and he confessed his love for me. I told him again i dont think is right for us to be together so soon after my breakup.
Then a few months we fought but over silly stuff and it was a pleasure to make amends.
Then one day i realized he refused to talk too much to me when i was upset. It made me WILD MAD. To the point where we fought constantly and for a few timea I hit him and he stood there…
I am ashamed of what I did. Please dont be mean to me after you read this. Trust me when I say I didnt think. Trust me that I was completely oblivious. I was for 2 years taught to be mean and bad. I was manipulated and gaslighted so much i stopped thinking.
Then he hit me one day and i woke up. Not cause it hurt me but because i realized i hurt him.
So i stopped and started saying after every argument that i want to fix things.
He ghosted me twice last summer when i was at my most vulnerable each time, exactly when i started making progress and being better. But he came back each time and i still had to comment to things and nag.

And now lately he tells me he gave up on his friends and life for me and i am unpleased. I try to tell him how grateful i am for him and im trying to learn his love language and practice it but i feel so unloved and unwanted and guilty that it stops me… every day. I try and i see all the hatred for me and it stops me and shatters me.
He told me he wanted to move in with me and we discussed from the beginning that this is a privilege that my future husband will have. He said he needs to see if we work ok as a couple before proposing. Before he used to whisper in my ear when i was pretending to sleep how he is going to propose to me..
He told me he cant stand me and im his life s biggest regret. That he should have left long ago. That he wants his friends back and he wants to party every weekend and to go and party on holidays(on christmas easter and new years i swore to always spend them at home with families because i love them) and he says all these stuff just to hurt me and manipulate me.

I know everyone will think we should breakup and is the rational decision but i will not be able to live with the regret that this didnt work.
I used to be so religious and he is my second love ever. I want him to be my last.

Please please give me some advices on how to win him back when he really wants to go. Tell me what to do. I really need some advices from someone outside my relationship and family and friends. I want to be a good gf. I try so hard to work on myself. I try to be so good and kind and understanding and loving and caring with everyone. I try so badly.

Please help me 🥺 I feel lately like I want to end it all.
We had so many beautiful moments that I never appreciated at the time and now I regret so much and I dont want it to end like this.
If it is to end, I want it to end well. Not like this.

Give me some advice without having to step on my own pride and become a rug…

The problem is i love him. Im not in love. He is the love of my life

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