My boyfriend and I have been together just over 2 years and have built a loving relationship together despite a lot of distance.
He has never cheated on me, I’ve never cheated on him. Early on he suggested we have each other on find friends and our faces open eachother’s phone. This gave me a sense of security and trust, and he has never hidden his phone or seemed like he was hiding something. One time he said that he didn’t want me looking at his photos, and it gave me a little pause but I didn’t really think much of it and still don’t.
In October, I had his phone while he ran a race. I was taking mirror pics on it in a hotel lobby for him to find later, something we have each done to each other before to be kind of silly and cute. I deleted the pics I didn’t like of myself and went to delete out of the deleted folder. There were about 5-8 items in there and the first one was a thumbnail of him naked in the hotel room he’d been living out of for a few weeks. I clicked on it, and it was a personal video of him doing a sexual thing by himself, something he’d been closed off to in our sex life together.
I felt guilty and struggled with how and if to tell him. I also hoped that if I told him, he’d open about about that part of his sexual desire with me. I decided to wait as I was leaving town the next day and didn’t think it was good to bring up over text while apart. The next time I visited 2 months later, I told him what happened and that I saw the video. He took it hard and I immediately regretted telling him, I think maybe it’s something he never needed to know. But I do think it was the right thing to do. Idk. Regardless, we talked about it then and I was surprised when he told me he was mad because I “went through his shit”.
A few weeks later over the holidays, we talked again and had a productive conversation about it. He expressed that he felt resentful towards me and like his privacy was invaded. I explained my intentions but acknowledged and apologized for invading his privacy. Despite intentions, I still clicked on it and watched it. He had changed his phone password and that stung, but I understood, however I was surprised that he didn’t change it back after that conversation.
Fast forward to now. I moved in with him, we’d planned this for 6 months not or more. His phone was next to mine on the couch and when I felt a buzz, I saw “ash” on his phone. Irrational thoughts flooded my head but I decided just to ask and he said who it was. Later on, he felt bothered by my asking and it led to a deeper convo about his distrust for me and how he doesn’t want me to have access to his phone or leave his journal out. Im pretty put off by this, because while my action chipped at his trust, it was an isolated incident and I have never given him any other reason not to trust me. I don’t know what actions I can take to “rebuild” trust. He also claims that if he saw a thumbnail of me naked he would turn off my phone and not think twice about it… and that seems crazy to me bc if I hadn’t watched that video, I would have always wondered and felt suspicious of it. We aren’t seeing eye to eye on that and I do get that at the end of the day, I watched it and shouldn’t have.
I also feel like at the point that we live together, he should make a choice to either move past it or not. Idk what to do. I think an outsider perspective can help me understand his mindset here and maybe someone has a similar experience. How can I rebuild trust in the relationship?
TLDR; how can I rebuild trust in my relationship after an isolated incident where I watched a personal video I shouldn’t have watched?
3 comments
Red flag 🚩
I can understand him feeling like his privacy was invaded. I’ll admit I’ve accidentally seen something that I wasn’t supposed to. You know what I did? I kept my mouth shut. I trust my partner and it was a mistake on my part and it’s none of my business. Part of being able to be trusted with a password is the surety that this person won’t use it to go through shit and question me about it. It’s like giving someone a house key in case of emergency and they go through your house when you are out of town just because and then question you about what’s in your bedside table.
The fact that you use it to question him about this sexual thing is not okay. It’s disrespectful. He wasn’t doing anything wrong or illegal and if you trust him then trust him. Imagine feeling like you can’t save things on your phone because you don’t know if your partner will decide to take a look.
I think you need to give him a sincere apology and promise to stay out of his phone. As for him, he does need to decide if he trust you and willing to let it go. If he is unsure it is not fair for him to have you waiting around for him to trust you again, especially with cohabitation. He’s got the password change and that should be the end of it for now.
…. Rebuilding trust is difficult, and the trust is never actually the same again.
And the only way to rebuild it is by continually showing him that the trust he does have in you is well placed.
So you can either put up with it or recognise that the level of trust is gone, and while a new level similar may arrive again later, it also might not.
Or end the relationship if his distrust is causing other issues.