It’s really about secrets. He takes it very personal but I’m mommy so they naturally come to me first with certain things. I admit, I am a little soft on them, my mistake. I pulled the “last straw”. I’ve lied and covered for our kids multiple times. He’s slightly verbally abusive. He doesn’t yell but he’s like a younger Robert DeNiro. Sometimes he has no filter even if he’s cool with something and it makes it hard to tell his real feelings. I’ve helped our daughter(16 at the time) hide her pregnancy until she was 5 months, I’ve helped our 12 year old play sick for 5 days when he was actually suspended from school. My 16 year old just came out of the closet, well not really I caught him in the act and I told him I can’t keep secrets from his dad anymore but I ended up not saying anything for a week. I can’t accuse my husband of overreacting because I understand his frustration towards me. But he packed a suitcase and went to his brothers house since I won’t “allow him to be a real parent in his own household”. Yes he’s spoiled just like his kids. I thought it would blow over but I think I really did it this time. He said just because I’m not cheating, it doesn’t change the amount of trust lost.
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*I’m mommy so they naturally come to me first with certain things.*
B.S. You’ve been dishonest with your husband and driven a wedge between him and his children. With the possible exception of your son who came out (who you should have encouraged to speak with his father but allowed him to come out to him on his own time/terms) you are 100% in the wrong.
*He said just because I’m not cheating, it doesn’t change the amount of trust lost.*
He’s 100% correct.
I think it’s a natural instinct of mothers to want to protect our children. It’s unfortunate that he’s someone that both you and your children feel that you need to hide things from because of his abuse, it’s unfortunate that you’ve fallen into a pattern of lying and creating an us vs him situation.
Marriage and parenting needs to be a partnership, rather than deception, it would have been better for him to work on the way he speaks to other people because verbal abuse is completely unacceptable. Mistakes were made all around, and it’s not healthy for anyone.
The only thing I agree with is the coming out, I think that’s the sort of thing where no one should be outed but instead you should let your child share that with who they feel safe with in their own time.
So, the things that you hid from him about your children, why was it? Was it a fear of anger or violence or some other reason?
Those are really, really *huge* things you helped your children conceal from their father. If it was so necessary to avoid his wrath, why are you married to him and pretending to be a united front with him when you’re not? You’re giving your kids a completely distorted idea of what a partnership should look like. He was absolutely correct to leave.
I don’t see how you’re surprised that it hasn’t “blown over.”
This whole thing is lies and secrets. Hiding a pregnancy in your own home. The audacity.
There’s public services that can get you help if you’re afraid. There’s help for teens afraid to come out. There’s help for kids struggling in school. Did you utilize them?
If you’re afraid for your son coming out to his father… WHY DID YOU TELL HIM THEN?
Marriage is about trust. He can’t trust you. And you don’t trust him enough to share extremely important things. I see his point of view. You dug this hole.
Sounds like an unhealthy family and marriage dynamic. Maybe it’s best you split. Not sure why you would want to stay with someone verbally abusive. Not sure why he would want to stay with someone dishonest. And maybe the dishonesty is because of the abusive spouse… All the more reason to let him go.
Sounds like a divorce might be the best option for everyone. You don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust you. Why do you want to stay with him if you haven’t walk on eggshells around him? Is this the model you want your kids to use for their future relationships?
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I grew up with a step dad who did nothing but yell and scream. She would hide things from him too because she didn’t have the courage to stand up to him about his behavior. He was abusive. She did nothing.
I see everyone jumping to defend the husband.
I do wonder WHY you and your kids felt the need to conceal those things. If your kids are afraid of you, then you’re doing something wrong. I want my child to know it’s safe to come to me when they’re in trouble. It seems like your husband’s old school ways are impairing his relations with his children and not you.
You all need to talk. Everybody has a share of mishandling things here. If you are afraid of how your husband will react, then maybe a divorce is better in every way possible. If he wants his children to open up to him, he needs to become more approachable.
You all say he lost his trust. OP says he acts like a Mafia boss. I wouldn’t trust him either.
You all need to reconsider your situation here.
I don’t understand why you consider yourself to be a good mom. Those kids are teens. You had years to set up boundaries with your husband on what kind of behavior is acceptable. You allowed him and his bullshit.
It sounds to me like you like this dynamic of him being an asshole. It’s easy for you to be a “great mom” when the other parent is like your husband.
And your kids aren’t doing great, are they??? Teen pregnancy. School suspension. So why in the fuck do you think that you’re doing a good job??
I think people in this thread are being way too kind in accepting your story that your kids are afraid of talking to your husband at face value.
With your own admission of how you currently lie both directly and by omission to you husband, and conspire with your children to hide things from your husband, it is just as likely that you have trained your kids to confide in you and avoid your husband from the beginning when they were small children. What better way to make sure they liked you than to make sure they didn’t like their only other option, right?
Also, it isn’t hard to figure that someone could be short-tempered when his entire family is lying and keeping secrets from him, and even when they are trying to talk to him about something serious he never knows if he is being given the full truth.
Those are huge poor lessons for your children. Huge lies. Honesty and open family communication is vital for the healthy development of the children. No secrets, lies and cover up just to avoid conflict. Conflict resolution is part of life and relationships. It’s vital to learn this from an early age. Accountability creates responsibility. This is so sad to read. If I knew all this and I was your husband I would be vivid. It’s irresponsible, in many ways toxic.
Your title is massively misleading.
This is not about you being approachable. It’s about you hiding things from your husband. Huge things, things he should be involved with.
You disrespected him repeatedly as a partner.
I would never justify an SO being verbally abusive, but in this case I can see why he would blow a fuse.
If my husband was treating me like I was the bad guy while he was hiding that our child was pregnant, or that our child earned a weeklong suspension in school, I would be long gone.
How the heck you don’t see how much you wronged him?
You posted under the “seeking advice” flair but argue with and/or challenge every comment here which points out your ownership of this problem.
You’re not seeking advice. You’re seeking validation.
Wow, you’re a liar and the “friend parent,” which isn’t actually parenting at all.
I’d divorce you because the disrespect – and the disrespect you’ve taught your children to have – toward him is really unforgivable.
You’re a bad parent and are pretending to be the cool/good one by making him to be the enemy. If he was verbally abusive you should have gone to therapy or left him years ago. But this dynamic you’re describing is insane. If my husband hid any of that or pitted my kids against me while enabling bad behavior I’d not only divorce him but sue for full custody. You’d rather be a friend so when you’re ready to parent you can prove it in court
You keep saying that what you are doing is better than what he’s done. No it isn’t. Every single thing you’ve mentioned he has done has been grounds for separation and you are NOT protecting your kids by staying with this man. You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse and allowing it by staying with him. You are not acknowledging these things and are deflecting a lot of blame on this comment thread.
He’s racist and homophobic, yet you’d prefer to stay with this man and allow him to continue being this way in front of your children instead of leaving and teaching your children that they should deal with this kind of behavior in relationships. Your poor daughter probably has no idea what it means to openly and honestly communicate or set boundaries. All you’ve done is taught your children that instead of dealing with confrontation, they should lie and avoid the situation because they’ll receive a reaction that they don’t like. You need therapy and you need to leave this man. You have doomed your children to have absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship with yourself, your parents, or your spouse is. Congratulations.
Oh girl. You fucked up big. And taught your kids it’s okay to lie.
Congrats, you wrecked your marriage AND taught your kids to lie and avoid the consequences of their actions.
And you don’t even seem to understand what a shitty role model and spouse you are.
Come back with your kids’ mug shots…because Im guessing your poor example will end up with that result.
What a fucking shit show.
You know, my ex-wife used to do stuff like this with my kids. She would hide their secrets which implies that I cannot be trusted by children.
I was always the last to know about anything going on with my kids and my opinion on how to address a particular issue was never accounted for or heard. If I did have an opinion or gave my children direction, my ex-wife would tell my kids privately to ignore me.
He is not “spoiled just like his kids”. His expectation “to be a real parent in his own household” is his right.
As a father, your husband has a right to parent his children whether you agree with his approach or opinion. He has a right to say the wrong thing and learn from his mistakes. No one is perfect and makes all the right choices as a parent. He has a right to fail and deal with the consequences.
But you are his partner so it’s on you to work with him as a team to raise your children.
Your distrust of your husband is being communicated loud and clear to your children. They don’t go to him because you’ve made it clear that they should not trust him. You’ve effectively cut him out of being a parent.
Here’s the kicker though your tactics will cause your children to distrust you later because you think lying and manipulating another person is okay.
Your “protection” of them from their father will be seen as dishonest and manipulative later when they get older and rightfully so.
My children don’t always agree with me or like how I express my opinion but they trust me now after years of their mother painting me as an emotionally abusive brute.
They now see that I was cut out of their lives not because their mom was protecting them from me but because she was actually using them as a weapon against me.
Both of my children would not tell me anything when their mother was around but now only talk to me about their lives. It took 7 years post-divorce and individual therapy for them to see her tactics and why I left. I’ve never talked to them about her, therapy did that job for me.
My son is 17 and my daughter is 23 and they essentially avoid talking to their mother about lives because they now see her as controlling, manipulative and dishonest.
I supposed you could fix your situation but I doubt it because you seem to be willfully ignorant of your behavior. So let me spell it out for you.
Red flag #1. You’ve designated yourself as the gatekeeper of the truth. Anyone that sets themselves up as the gatekeeper of truth is by default manipulative, controlling, and dishonest.
Red flag #2. You talk about your husband as a two-dimensional character out of the Sopranos instead of a person. He’s the scary Robert DeNiro mobster, a boogeyman for your children that you taught your children to distrust and fear. This is a tactic of abuse, it’s called character assassination.
Red flag #3. You talk about your husband as a ‘spoiled child’. Infantilization.
Red flag #4. You triangulate communication so that you can control the message and your husband.
Red flag #5. Minimizing his feelings and your behavior. You started right out of the gate with that tactic “My husband wants a divorce because I’m the more approachable parent” which is not the truth. It’s a spin to designed to minimize the real reason your husband wants a divorce and to make him seem more unreasonable or childish. The truth is he’s divorcing you for breaking trust.
Who knows, maybe I’m just projecting my ex-wife’s shitty behavior onto you? While it’s possible that you’re telling the truth and that your husband is verbally abusive but it’s your cavalier attitude, calling him a spoiled child, describing him basically as a mobster, and the pride in which you report being the “approachable parent” that leads me to think otherwise.
Regardless, your soon-to-be ex-husband is making the right choice to divorce you because he will have a better chance at having a real relationship with his children post-divorce than he does now.
Trust me, your children will see who you are and who your husband is and they will make their own choice about who to trust.
Holy shit that title is majorly misleading
Do you understand what huge breaches of trust these lies are? It’s not OK to hide a pregnancy or school suspension.