So me and my girlfriend have had a rough relationship in parts. We have always worked things out but it’s not always been easy. We have had a couple of breaks since getting together and one time she met this other M whilst on a break with me. Me and her got back together so she told me about them and told me that they went on a date and shared a kiss at the end. I appreciated the honesty from her and managed to get past it and we were okay. However, she still keeps in touch with this other M sometimes. Nothing flirty so she tells me and she never reaches out to him first but she does reply when he reaches out to her. I expressed my discomfort by this and explained that I don’t like her speaking to someone that she has history with. I find it disrespectful and it makes me feel like a mug. I told her this and she said she would stop talking to them. She did, for a while. But then I noticed they were talking again a while later. Again, I was not comfortable with this and asked her to stop, and again, she did. For a while at least. I have had to ask her to stop a good 4/5 times now. Each time has resulted in her telling me she will stop and then some while later they’ll start again… So I have gotten to the point now where she clearly isn’t respecting my request. So I asked her to block them so they wouldn’t be able to talk to her anymore. This request was met with a lot of hostility and caused a big argument. Eventually, after several hours of arguing, she told me she had blocked them. Me thinking it was over thought ‘great, we can move on’ that was until I noticed that she hadn’t blocked them off Instagram so there was still means of communication. So I raised this with her which again caused an argument. Seeing I wasn’t getting anywhere with this, I tried to let it go. Until one day I got the urge to check her phone (something I am absolutely not proud of and have never done before and regretted instantly). However, I found that not only had she not blocked them on instagram, she also hadn’t blocked them anything (despite being told it was only instagram that she didn’t block them on). So she has been lying to me about it all along… I came clean to her about going on her phone and told her what I had found, which again caused an argument… I am being made to feel like I shouldn’t of felt uncomfortable with them talking and that it’s ridiculous that I asked her to block them, as well as now being called untrustworthy for going on her phone. I really don’t know what to do because I was fully convinced my original discomfort with them talking is more than valid, but now I’m having doubts and feel like I’m being insecure over nothing…
**TL;DR;** : My partner has lied to me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
2 comments
So, yeah. This sucks.
Here’s the thing: your girlfriend clearly thinks your request to not talk to this guy is unreasonable.
And I’m not here to litigate if she’s right or if you’re right. I personally fall more into her camp, but I suspect most people on this sub fall more into yours. The issue, rather, is how she handles the disagreement.
You can have a healthy relationship with someone where you disagree about this stuff, so long as you’re honest about your disagreement and can negotiate around it openly. That is to say, you ask for her to cut him off, she says no, makes another offer of how to mitigate your discomfort, you say that’s enough, make a counteroffer, etc – and sooner or later you either reach a place you can both live with (because you bring enough value into each other’s life that you can give a little on this) or you break up.
What’s not okay is saying you’ll accept your partner’s boundary and not doing it. If she doesn’t agree with your proposed boundaries (and clearly she doesn’t) she has an obligation to negotiate, not to lie.
This is, unfortunately, something that most people need to learn. Lying *feels* like the easy way out, and in fact some couples eventually get to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” place about things like this which feels kinda like lying.
So, I mean, you can either break up with her because of the lying, or you can try to hit the reset button. “Hey, we’ve been approaching this disagreement the wrong way. I want to start over. We’ve both been unreasonable: you’ve been dishonest, and I’ve been too draconian. Let’s turn over a new leaf and try to find a solution that works for both of us.”
If you don’t want to do that, then you either let this go or you break up.
So I think a lot of people would feel uncomfortable with their partner maintaining contact with someone they met while they were on a break.
That being said, you expressed discomfort and instead of being honest with you and saying “I really wish to keep this person in my life”, she said yes to your face and carried on her merry way.
So I think you know what needs done here. Either you dump her or you remain uncomfortable.
Oh and bet that when she tells you that all they did was “kiss”, she’s lying there too.