I’m 33, she’s 29. We started dating officially after a handful of really great dates together. She’s everything I ever wanted in a partner, likes all the same things I do, quirky sense of humor, she’s unbelievably pretty, etc. After making it official, she dropped a nuke on me telling me she already has 2 kids from 2 different dads.
I try to rationalize it away, saying I love her anyway, I’m in it for her, we’re at the age in the dating pool where that’s just where people are at, etc. But the “man” side of my brain is still telling me to run away. I’m so conflicted. I know I love her and want to be with her, but that part of me gets so angry when I think about the fact that not only will there always be not one, but two other dudes involved in our relationship and 2.) the fact that she’s already had the experience of starting families with these people. I don’t know about you guys, but what makes a relationship special to me is being able to experience those moments together especially for the first time, and in a way I almost feel I cant offer her anything she hasn’t already had. I want to be able to experience that first time fear, anxiety, joy and happiness that comes with starting a family with someone, I want to be there the first time our child is brought into the world; and she’s just already had that all with someone, and then again with someone else.
Can someone talk some sense into me either way because I’m losing my mind deciding what is the right thing to do here – put all my own issues aside and just be with the type of person Ive looked for my whole life, or throw that away because I know there’s one big blackhole in our future I know I’ll never have.
17 comments
Brother.
What?
Y’all love each other, right?
She ride for you, right?
Why are you going to let your ego hold you off from an experienced and knowledgeable woman?!
two kids with two dads is too much for me brother. if you have a kid with her she will have 3 children with 3 different dudes. thats jerry springer level bro.
The “man” side of your brain is talking some serious shit and you should tell it to STFU.
Have you had sex with more than one other woman? Because if so you could have fathered 2 kids. Would you want to forever be dismissed because you wouldn’t be having your first with any future partner? I’m guessing no.
She’s not with either of those baby daddys so what YOU can offer her is the FIRST TIME she has a stable, loving relationship with a man who wants to stick around and raise a family and build a life with her.
You COULD choose to be THAT guy.
Or you could choose to judge her on a past she can’t change and give up on this woman who you call the “love of your life” but can’t seem to stop judging long enough to actually plan a healthy future with her. You have choices. Choose wisely.
How she parents with the l is going to be crucial. Are they friendly? Have they put aside their differences to be good parents? What role do they play in her life? You’re 33, not 23, and they’re kids, not nuclear bombs.
That’d be a no from me dawg, and all these others can comment that you need to lose your ego, but really you need to do what’s best for you. Otherwise, everyone will suffer.
42 M. I’m in a similar position. Much longer story with it’s share of up’s and down’s, but in my case she’s 32 (so a bit of an age gap) with three kids from two different Dad’s. But of which were and still are abusive (so there’s also that), incidentally. She’s had her share of trauma, starting with the way her family treated her when she was a child. She’s told me that no man’s ever treated her the way I have.
Similar to you, she’s “the one” for me. I’m very much in love with her. It helps that I also like her kids, and they me. It’s convoluted for sure.
I’m 42 years old, so the idea of finding someone without kids is getting more and more out there. I accept it for what it is. I also know what my life is and was without them. What I was doing wasn’t working. I’m willing to give this a try because I firmly believe that she’s the love of my life. And we’d be wonderful together long term. Now that said, this sort of arrangement isn’t for everyone. You have to go into it 100% UNDERSTANDING AND KNOWING that her kids will come FIRST. I’ve told this girl several times that I’d be disappointed if she DIDN’T put them first. It’s just part of the deal.
Obviously baby daddy drama comes with this, among other things. You have to be prepared for that. But when it comes up, keep in mind that she’s YOUR GF or wife. If they want to make her life a living hell (and by extension yours), they need to go through YOU. On the flip side, you also need to be supportive in terms of her parenting their kids with them. If it’s something that directly affects you, then yes maybe you have a say in it. If not, take a back seat and let them handle it.
It’s a tug of war for sure. But speaking for myself I’m willing to go through it. (We can’t be together formally until she’s off the lease with her baby daddy, so technically it’s a situationship right now. But we’re committed.) Only red flag based on what you said in my view is that you seem to be surprised that she has kids. If this is something she sprung on you at the 11th hour, that might be something to consider. In my case she was a friend of a friend, and we were facebook friends for years before meeting up. So I knew she had kids on day one. You certainly do need to be careful you aren’t getting used, but to me it’s worth the hassel.
On that note, you do want to ensure that she has solid custody and child support plans in place. If she’s getting child support that helps a lot. Because as a boyfriend/husband that means you’ll be expected to contribute less on behalf of the kids than otherwise. In my case she doesn’t have a child support order – yet. When I pay for her (which is a lot), I’m also paying for the kids. Those are expenditures that I accept, but it helps if she’s getting money from CS. Also…and this is really important. Anything you do for the kids or contribute to their household, do in CASH. That’s how I do it, and it’s for a specific reason. Because if the baby daddy can prove that another man is in essence supporting his child(ren), his CS payments can be lowered. Why should he be forced to pay his fair share when his child(ren) are already getting the support they need? When I’m with this girl and her kids, I take cash out of the bank. The baby daddy’s not supporting his kids AT ALL, and won’t do so unless he’s forced by a court. So I don’t want there to be any evidence of me paying for them, because that could negatively affect HER and her kids. If it ever comes up, I’ll be happy to volunteer my financial records – and say “show me where I’ve ever given a dime to help pay for the kids?
You’d have to be a loser of epic proportions to be with this person but we both know you’re going to do it anyways
You are totally within your right to not want to date a woman with children, especially from two different dads. That could spell a very bad pattern. That being said you are way more concerned about the fact that she’s been with two men than the fact that she could potentially make you a divorced father. Priorities man.
How did you guys make it this far without her telling you? I’d be more concerned about her being able to withhold that type of information from you for so long. I get that us single mothers get immediately dismissed for having kids, but I could never take that chance. Imagine having a handful of great dates with someone and catching feelings for them and then I tell them I have a child and they don’t take it well and leave? Both our times would have been wasted and feelings would be hurt.
This is a tough one because it could totally work out between you guys, but you have to fully accept her past.
If you stick around, you’re going to be in a pretty complicated relationship dynamic with 5 other people, right out of the gate:
1. Your gf
2. Baby daddy #1
3. Kid #1
4. Baby daddy #2
5. Kid #2
You will be in the mix with all of these people for decades. The two other dudes will be co-parents to your partner forever, so hopefully they are cool, not-crazy, easy-to-work-with people, because if one (or both) aren’t, you are in for a lifetime of fucking headaches.
You will also have to deal with their parenting decisions, while navigating being a supportive (but not authoritative) parental figure yourself.
Not saying this can’t be the most awesome and fulfilling relationship(s) of your life, with a woman you love, great step kids, and great, loving co-parents. Just saying it could also be a fucking nightmare, on the other hand.
Move slow and really feel this one out before you make a decision one way or the other, is basically the only real advice anyone can give you.
You’re 33 dude. No woman your age has anything to really experience for first time. Majority of women have kids before 30. Take your ego down a few notches.
It’s looking to me you’re about to be her third baby daddy. And this is coming from a very liberal college educated from California(Bay area the most liberal part of the state.) 28f. And I think misogyny is incredibly rampant throughout our community and every sect of our society and it’s sad. If this was a man I’d be saying the same thing . But this is not misogyny. This is protecting yourself.
And no your relationship will not work out because If she can make the most important decision in her life with random guys not once but twice. She will have to deal with those men for the rest of her life . If the baby daddy is a bad father, it will heavily affect the children . She will have to live with those consequences for the rest of her life and you will too if you end up with her .
If it didn’t work with them why would it work with you. She can’t pick correctly or she doesn’t know how to maintain a serious relationship or when people are in their 30s, they know how to pick people better and understand their ones and needs. It’d be different if this was in her 30s, but this isn’t her 20s in such a short period of time. So that’s a red flag .
And yes they are random because she never married either one and she’s only in her 20s there’s no way that this was a long term relationship. You’re always going to be second fiddle to her kids and if she’s a good mother you will be second. You always be second fiddle and that’s how it should be. So isn’t it better for her to be with somebody who already has kids? Who knows what they’re going through and they understand that they will play second fiddle to each other?
Yeah she’s not a good decision maker she’s off.
It’s not not the man side of your brain it’s the logical side.
You’re a very thoughtful and empathetic person. But you’re looking to me the third baby daddy. I’m telling you I have people in my family with multiple baby daddies at a young age and baby mommas at a young age and they are either very selfish or really dysfunctional or very immature ,and I’m thinking about two people in my family.( Two kids by two different fathers isn’t actually a lot. It’s normal but it is a red flag in your 20s).
In particular, they’re very attractive and very charismatic in the beginning, but then that side comes out and it’s bad. And then if she does move on to another guy you’ll have to deal with another random man being around your kid and they could be abusive. They could sexually take advantage of the kid or psychologically or physically like this happens so often.
Not to shame women who have two kids by two different fathers. It’s just very, very sketchy she didn’t marry either one of them and she’s not even in her 30s yet. And you’re going to have to take care of her kids and you’re going to have to deal with her baby daddies like it’s not worth it and she has a pattern. So most likely she’ll have a baby with you and then she’ll leave you or you’ll leave her and then she’ll be on to next guy. You should have your first experience be with somebody else who’s having their first experience too. If that’s important to you, it’s important to me too, but it’s okay if it’s not important to others. If it was one guy at this age it be okay. But it’s two she’s a bad decision maker. If this were a man I’d be saying the same thing.
I’m black and it’s pretty common in the black community. My parents have been married for 30 years and all the kids are there together. But I watched so many of my family members go through hell and so much drama. She needs to date a man who already has kids.
Insta dad!
Well, if that “nuke” she dropped on you is that profound, then don’t go in to this relationship, think about the two kids coming into this dynamic where you’re rueful about the situation.
Don’t go into the relationship if you are not certain about your acceptance of the kids.
The fact she has kids and a prior family may not be a problem for you. What is a problem, is that she waited so long to tell you she has kids…..that’s red flag 1. She has also had two chances to get it right, she couldn’t make things work with TWO different baby daddies, that’s red flag 2.
I (28F at the time) dated a man (27M) briefly in a similar situation a couple years ago. He had two kids, both with a different mother; his first with his long term girlfriend from high school, and his second with his ex wife he was with for a few years. He obviously was in contact with them all the time and had the kids every other week. He also lived in a house with two male roommates, it was crammed in that house with the kids. Our relationship ended short due to him getting cold feet and destroying everything. But honestly I’m glad it happened.
I was starting to feel weirdly under pressure and there seemed to be drama with his ex wife. His kids came first and usually that’s what comes with dating a parent of a child. I learned I wanted to be with someone who didn’t have kids and a baby momma because I wanted to build a family of my own and not be down on the totem pole of importance. I want to build up a relationship that’s focused just on us, without kids in the picture (yet).
bruh