Self-deprecation is something I used to do a lot in my younger years. I’d almost always take the opportunity to call myself a loser, make fun of my hobbies and pastimes and in general just poke fun at myself. The principle was to make fun of myself before others could. I guess back then I thought it meant that I was confident and self-aware, and didn’t take myself too seriously.
However, later in life I’ve come to ponder that this behavior might have actually been projection of my insecurities, and a form of unwitting self-sabotage. I came to realize that deep down there was at least a part of me that wanted others to say “come on, you’re not that bad” whenever I was mercilessly mocking myself. Me putting myself down time and time again was probably some expression of my low self-esteem, and how I thought that any improvements to it would have just been fake and smug. It certainly didn’t help my romantic aspirations either.
I’ve cut down on it a lot since, but every now and then I catch myself self-roasting in pretty mean ways, almost as a reflex. And when I think “If I heard someone else say this about themselves, would I think it’s funny, or just mean?”, it’s almost always the latter. It’s a pretty grim thought to think that something I initially developed as a light-hearted coping mechanism has not only turned against me, but might have actually been reinforcing my insecurities all along, and sabotaging my social relationships along the way without me even realizing it.
What are your thoughts on this?
12 comments
It’s ok if you’re using it in moderation in a joking manner, but you gotta cut that shit out otherwise. Self-deprecation is very easy to fall into, but it only hurts us more and more as we continue giving into it and people can easily spot it as a sign you have no confidence.
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If it’s rare, funny and appropriate, I see self-deprecation as a sign of confidence and healthy self-awareness.
If it’s common, unfunny and inappropriate, I see it as a sign of self-hatred and low self-esteem.
the healthy line is where it stops being humorously self-effacing and starts wending into self-pity or pity-seeking behavior.
typically, it’s funnier and better received when it’s relatable. just yesterday at the start of session, i sighed and told my client: “7 years in college, and i STILL manage to misspell *’initiative’* and *’liaison*’ sometimes.”
she replied: “dude yeah, i still can’t spell ’embarrass’ without typing and deleting it like 4 times.”
we all struggle with spelling certain words, or getting burned by autocorrect, etc. i’m not asking for their pity or sympathy–i’m just observing that like everyone else, i have foibles. it’s relatable. it’s a shared human struggle.
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the key to this, like anything else, is balance–a nice balance of humor and infrequency. otherwise it can get kind of uncomfortable for others involved, because then they have to start with reassurance: “it’s ok, you aren’t so bad. don’t worry so much, people like you.”
and that constant need for reassurance is hard on you, and tough on them. it gets stressful.
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you know?
I used to use self deprecating humor all the time because of exactly what you said, it was projection of self loathing and insecurity. So I cut down on that not because of any attempt to change that but because it got tired and uncomfortable for other people, and shutting the fuck up is often the better option if it comes down to it. Still have to fight the urge though and I end up just trying to make sure I pay attention to what I’m saying and keeping it to a light sprinkling if possible. Just one of several things I have to do to keep the walls up in public.
It’s fine if it’s occasionally done in order to counter perceived arrogance.
Constantly doing it the millennials do just makes you look whiny and weak.
As a joke, it can be great, especially if the self-deprecation is something that someone else can relate to.
As others mention, moderate yourself heavily. Once or twice during a social encounter can be fine, but if you do it with any kind of regularity, it becomes annoying and offputting.
Wild exaggeration or using an unexpected twist can be effective for joking purposes, but it also depends on the flow of a conversation.
For instance, if you’re short and you’re talking about childhood or where you grew up, you can say something along the lines of “As you can tell, I didn’t *actually* grow up”. Or, and this is probably less likely, if someone tries to joke about you being bad in bed, you can say “You’re right, I only slept six hours last night”. Blunts the putdown joke by switching the framing, and is technically still self-deprecating.
We must never take ourselves seriously. But, always take what we do seriously.
>Self-deprecation is something I used to do a lot in my younger years. I’d almost always take the opportunity to call myself a loser, make fun of my hobbies and pastimes and in general just poke fun at myself
When people say that self-deprecating humor can be endearing, this isn’t what they’re talking about. Self-deprecation is not about putting yourself down, its about displaying to others that you don’t take society’s appraisal of your hobbies, interests, or habits seriously by ironically mimicking society’s critiques. This only works when people already believe you to be an otherwise confident person.
>The principle was to make fun of myself before others could
This is self-sabotage. You basically told everyone around you that they should prioritize their negative emotions towards you over the positive ones.
> I came to realize that deep down there was at least a part of me that wanted others to say “come on, you’re not that bad” whenever I was mercilessly mocking myself
This is fishing for pity and no one wants to pity their friends or potential romantic partners. Just think of the kind of people you’d attract with that attitude: people who are willing to hang around someone they don’t value because they feel to sorry for them. If you feel unappreciated by your friends, the right way to go about it is to try to build better rapport with them so they have more reasons to value you or to find other people who actually like who you are. Depending on people’s pity is a losing strategy because you’re setting yourself up to always get the bare minimum out of a friendship.
People with low self-esteem should not engage in self-deprecation. You are not really laughing at yourself and you do not want other people laughing at you. When confident people engage in self-deprecation, they’re earnestly laughing at their own quirks. Fishing for pity is a little like being a “nice guy”: you’re putting your sad boy tokens in and expecting reassurance (which you are not owed) to come out. And just like being a “nice guy” vs being genuinely nice, people can tell when you’re faking the lightheartedness and self-effacing nature that comes with self-deprecating humor.
Pros and cons.
Self depreciation has some degree of humility to it. You can definitely mature faster and grow stronger when you reveal your “problems” in such a public manner.
Of course, as you mentioned, on the flip side, if done too much, or done without any self correction, then you may end up just reinforcing your insecurities.
I self deprecated from time to time for jokes, it’s a good strategy given certain situations.
Key thing is to act on your insecurities and grow beyond them.
Used to hate myself as a kid. For plentiful reasons.
Now I just know in which exact ways I suck, and in which few ways I prevailed.
I enjoy it