My wife is a full time pharmacy student and I am a full time medical student. On top of my wife’s coursework, she works various jobs for spending money. I don’t have time to work other jobs, unfortunately, because of the amount of time it takes me to learn content compared to her.
For the last 4 months, my wife has been distant. We don’t have sex anymore. She constantly has something going on (a new job, a new money making scheme, a big exam, etc). But at the same time, she spends more than half her time just preparing to study or work instead of actually studying or working.
I am the sole caregiver for 3 large breed dogs that need a lot of exercise. This involves driving 10+ minutes each way, every day, to the dog park. Given that we’re both medicated for ADHD, our laundry often goes unfolded but when a load is folded once or twice a week, I do it and wash and dry all the other laundry. I do the dishes as well and clean the floor. I also drive her to class everyday, sometimes multiple times a day.
Given all this, sometimes it feels like she’s clinically depressed. I just don’t know what to do anymore to help her snap out of this. I bend over backwards every single day to ensure I’m there for her so that she doesn’t feel overly stressed. But it just isn’t good enough.
Edit: I should note that her jobs are work from home, contractual, not full time work
5 comments
So you are making sure your wife’s well-being is taken care of, but what about your well-being?
“I bend over backwards every single…” Stop doing that. Obviously it’s not working so try the opposite.
It’s great you want to support your wife. It sounds like you’re both busy if you’re both full time students plus your wife is working.
Have you said the dog park line to your wife before? If so, this may have rubbed her the wrong way.
Not to be overly critical (just trying to offer a different perspective), but if my husband implied that driving 10 minutes each way to the dog park was some huge burden on his schedule I would probably lose it. Women often do a lot of unappreciated and unnoticed household maintenance. Are there things your wife does to keep the house running that maybe you aren’t thinking of – take the trash out, make the bed, shop for groceries, clean the kitchen, remember to pay the monthly bills, etc.? Maybe not, and maybe she really isn’t doing her fair share, but to be honest, doing the dishes, cleaning the floor, washing laundry, and driving 10 min to take the dogs to the dog park doesn’t strike me as the chore list of someone who is single handedly keeping the house from falling apart.
Being a full time pharmacy student and also working is no easy task. For the average person it would be exhausting. Have you talked to your wife about this?
You don’t mention having in depth conversations with your wife about your marriage or how things are going. I would probably start there and recommend a couple’s therapist.
Seems like you are both overwhelmed. Can you both get away together and decompress when you have a break? It’s not going up get easier as you both will be in demanding professions. You do have to have date nights and do things together.
You don’t wait any longer and you get her to a therapist, contact her university and see if there is a therapist there she can talk to.
This isn’t something that needs to be brushed off. She is losing herself and you.