How do you feel about dating someone who constantly brings up how their ex cheated on them?

25 comments

1. I would feel like they need to stay single until they actually heal from that relationship. There’s no way they’re ready to be dating again if they can’t stop bringing up old pain.

2. It depends. From my experience, people who repeatedly bring the subject up infront of someone they are dating, are trying to show that person how traumatised they are by it and as a way of hinting ‘please don’t do this to me’.

   They will eventually move on but trust takes a long time to build. It can have a massive impact on a person and how they then trust others going forward.

3. Sounds like they’re not ready to date yet, and need to take some time to heal (either in therapy or through some other method of reflection) before they’ll be in a good place to date.

4. Concern is what I’d feel. If it’s such a big point of contention that they have to always bring it up, it sounds like the wound is still fresh and they haven’t healed from it. Part of me would want to help them heal, but the other part knows it’s not that easy, not to mention the risk of their ex having left them with trauma that would affect our relationship.

   I would feel the need to give them time and to keep an eye out for evidence of them making actionable improvements to get over the pain before I decide to go any more seriously. Otherwise, their energy will keep being redirected at the wrong place in our relationship and I want to be with someone who trusts that I would not to do the same as their ex.

   Edit: Yes my perspective would change greatly in over a year… mostly because I wouldn’t last that long. Their ex was their past, I’d be their present and maybe their future. If a year with me wasn’t enough to make them enjoy a new love rather than fixate on the old one, then they just need help that I can’t give a them. I don’t want to be second to the constant memory of an ex who hurt them, and I don’t want to relive the hurt with them every day. They should seek therapy to help unravel those thorns and heal properly.

5. I wouldn’t date them. CONSTANTLY bringing it up comes across like they aren’t ready to move on just yet and need time to heal from their last relationship.

6. I would feel that they have some unresolved trust issues and I wouldn’t want to date them anymore, because I don’t want him to always believe that I would do that to him and have to constantly prove my loyalty. Big red flag for me.

7. Sounds like they are not ready for a new relationship because they are still angry or fixated on their ex.

8. While I’d feel extremely sorry for them – someone betraying and humiliating me like that is one of the worst things I could imagine – I would not keep dating them. I wouldn’t want to start off any relationship by being delegated responsibility for their insecurities, trust issues and trauma, and I wouldn’t consider them having moved on, nor being ready for a new relationship, at least not with me.

9. Too insecure, I could not handle that. They would need to do some serious healing before getting into any relationship

10. I would highly suggest them therapy. You don’t have to live with their trauma

11. Where is my No spray bottle when I need it.

12. I’d feel like they weren’t over their ex, hadn’t yet healed from their trauma from the situation, and weren’t ready for a relationship, so I’d step back and take some distance. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with them, but I’d be fine staying friendly acquaintances as long as they didn’t spend all their time ranting about their ex.

    To your edit: If we’d been dating more than a year and this was still happening with no signs of healing and moving on, I’d stop dating them. I’m not interested in having someone else’s bad deeds waved at me and held over me in my relationships. I’m not going to be an ex that was unfaithful, but I will be an ex all the same.

13. I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together just over a year, I was fresh out of an abusive marriage when I met him, far too soon looking back, I am damaged, I have been cheated on, I’ve had violence, sexual assault, verbal abuse, he abused drugs all kinds of stuff. I told my new partner from the off, because I needed him to know that my reactions were not about him, they were about me and my trauma and that I was doing the work to heal, he’s amazing and listens to me and loves me for who I am now and who I will be when I’ve moved on from previous hurt. Also there is the “please don’t do this to me again” stuff

14. Mentioning it while the topic of past relationships comes up is normal and healthy. That’s not a big deal and can bring you closer together by addressing relationship wounds. But if they keep on bringing it up it can show they’re still hung up on their ex. And they may punish her through you. If they use it as an excuse to stomp boundaries, be unjustifiably suspicious and controlling or throw themselves a pity party then the relationship should end because it’s unhealthy.

15. I would leave them. If they opened up about it a few months down, sure. I would give my empathy for the first 2 times. But to talk about it well over a year of dating? lol Bye.

    It may sound harsh but i’m a big believer you shouldn’t date until you address your own issue and are in the process of working on them.

16. I would put up with it for some time, if eventually they won’t stop i would talk to them about stopping and ultimately dump than if they can’t stop.

17. It’s just so mentally draining honestly first try to speak to them about the situation addressing it in which ways you feel uncomfortable if they can’t process that you don’t wanna hear such then move on to better as deserved

18. It sounds to me like they’re not over their ex and I would be reluctant to continue wholefully because I’ve been in a rebound situation. Most times their hurt becomes yours in one way or another.

19. My partner left an abusive relationship where he was cheated on just a couple of months before we started dating, he was deeply hurt in this relationship and I believe him talking to me, someone he trusted in, about it, was part of his healing and processing of the experience.

    It was hard but slowly he began to understand that love may be hard sometimes, but it never has to be painful

20. If they keep mentioning them, they’re in their head an awful lot. Now there is no time limit on heartbreak. Sometimes it takes years and the broken ones are just trying to patch their life together again (often at our expense as we are the ones filling the void). Often it’s not deliberate on their part. They’re not out to wound us. They’re just allowing their own to cloud their judgement as to what is and what isn’t a good idea to express in their shiny new relationship. Some just don’t get how draining it is for the new SO to keep hearing (even negatives) about their old SO. Ultimately it depends how strong your psyche is as to whether you stay. If you’re empowered enough to not compare yourself. If hearing about them dilutes the attraction for you, then I’d move on and state the reason why. For me, personally I’d opt out but that’s because it would dilute my attraction to that person as arrogant as it may be, I want their focus on me.

21. Shows a trauma response. They may need to work on themselves before jumping back into dating.

22. Turned off. It’s a lack so social skills

23. Huge red flag. That kind of behavior wouldn’t get past a first date for me.

24. I wouldn’t date them.

25. My boyfriend brings it up. I’ve been with him for almost a year. It traumatized him (doesn’thelp that the ex was also abusive). He said he thought that person was the love of his life and trusted them with his all even though they weren’t a good person. I can see how terribly it hurt him and that it still hurts. I don’t mind him talking to me about it. I want to be there for him and I feel like talking about it can help you heal. I think, like someone else said, that its also his way of saying “please don’t hurt me like that”. I’ll never fully know just how he feels or how much it hurts, but from what I’ve heard/seen from him it is terrible. He talks about it because it had such an impact on his life. He deserves love even if he hasn’t fully moved on, and so do other people who have been though that.

    But its another thing if they are controlling you. Like “well, my ex cheated on me so I can look through your messages and ypu cant hang out with other men.” Thats messed up. Just because you were hurt in the past doesn’t make it ok to strip your partner of their own private life. Trust is a difficult thing, but you need to atleast have some. Do not go into a relationship if you can’t even have an ounce of trust.