Found out my girlfriend did a weird sexual favor for money before we were together
I’m new to this sub so I am not sure if this is triggering, but to begin my girlfriend has a colorful past she made me aware of, filled with casual sex and hookups and flings with men she met off dating sites. She did inform me of this before I made it official, so at first this didn’t necessarily bother me. But as time passed I heard only more and more details from her of different occasions, hearing these little comments that made it feel less special for me. Like we’ll be doing something I’ve never done before and she mentions how this used to be a given with her and past hook ups.
I knew she used to go on speed dates with older men for money, and she didn’t hide this from me. She was very open about all this and I like her enough that I was willing to move past this. This is where my hang up comes in.
Then the other day I discovered that she shit in a guys mouth for $3,000 and on a guys chest for $1,500. We were out with my friends and when I left the room briefly I came back and everyone was laughing and making jokes and when I tried asking what was so funny nobody explained to me. When I realized she was telling my friends about her history as a casual sugar baby I felt this sense of second hand embarrassment because my girlfriend was casually explaining how she made money off dates with disgusting older men.
I really like this girl and at first this stuff didn’t bother me. I have a small history of having casual sex with people I didn’t particularly care for, and personally these experiences occurred because these people assured me I mattered to them and when I realized it was casual I always ended up feeling hurt. I realized through these experiences casual sex wasn’t for me and with how invested and emotionally interested in me that my girlfriend is, I gave her the same benefit of this mindset. I also realize she has a dark history of sex related trauma and has lasting depression and anxiety.
I understand the kind of work it would take to be there for my girlfriend in these mental obstacles but I’m just more upset about this thing about getting paid to do favors for men. She said it wasn’t physical at first but to me shitting on some dude seems physical.. when I confronted her about this after my friend told me, she tried saying she didnt mention it because it didnt feel relevant to us, and her past doesnt have anything to do with me. She reassured me when she made my emotions feel heard and told me she wouldnt say those things to my friends. She explained how she desperately needed the money and wasn’t proud of what she’d done.
Then she asked if she could be selfish, and cried and expressed remorse over what she had done and asked me if I thought she was broken and a whore.
This girl so sweet, she has been so thoughtful to me and is here for me through all my weak moments, she listens to me and cares and remembers the important stuff. She makes me feel beautiful and I see myself with her longterm, its just this thing I learned hurt me so bad I had to cry. I just can’t stop thinking about this disgusting thing she did for a price, and I can’t stop thinking what other things she did for money that she didnt consider physical because it was just business for her.. I cried because I care for her so much, but she has this history that hurts me to think about.
I found this reddit and was hoping maybe I can just have a place to vent or any advice to help me move on from this. She has reassured me so far in all the ways I need, but I feel I need even more now and making her upset or feel like a whore, that’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t see her that way, but it doesnt exactly feel good to think about. If it was a friend, I wouldnt care at all. But because she’s my girlfriend, I feel so possessive. This is my first girlfriend as well, so I’m just not used to being with a girl who has a past.
44 comments
Shitting in his mouth for 3k? That’s a damn good deal. I’d be proud to be dating such an entrepreneur
Shit betta have my money – lalalalaa
Any chance you can put me in touch with those men? For…. research purposes
In all seriousness, everybody can have boundaries in a relationship, as long as they’re reasonable. Being uncomfortable with your partner having involvement in sex work is definitely a fair boundary. Being upset that she hid this from you seems reasonable too. Having a boundary against her talking about these scenarios seems ok. But you need to communicate how this is making you feel and ask her if she can respect your boundaries. She can’t change her past, so if her past bothers you too much then you need to end the relationship. But she can change how she acts in the future, as long as you communicate with her.
**TLDR: Tell her how this has made you feel. If you’re bugged too much by her past, break up. If she can’t respect your boundaries going forward, break up**
That’s definitely not what I expected to see when I read this post.
But shit. I’d do that too.
$3000 to poop? OP be honest, you’d do it for 3k too.
Dating a sex worker isn’t for everyone, especially one that worked with scat. Don’t feel bad for feeling a ways about it. If you see yourself with her in the long term you have to be open with her and tell her how it makes you feel.
Oh shit
OP, that’s a lot of shit to digest. I can understand why you feel torn up about it. Take all the time you need to work it out, then come to a decision about what to do.
I think you are looking for problems that don’t exist because you might be scared of something. I don’t know your history so think about it.
Nevertheless, she has no problem with her past, which I find to be commendable. She didn’t hurt anyone. If you can’t stand it then leave her because it’s YOUR problem, not hers. Let her move on to someone who will accept and enjoy her as she is (history and all).
Oh boy, that escalated quickly…
This isn’t really sexual, it’s a weird paraphilia, and there’s no evidence is there of her wanting to share this sort of experience again.
It’s like the guy who paints his toenails and sells feet pics on OF because he has pretty feet. It’s not sexual as such but it scratches an itch in the purchaser’s brain.
I know a woman who spent a couple of years on phone sex call lines. It wasn’t in any way sexual for her.
I don’t think that you have any reason to be truly concerned.
Tf wrong with this sub, yall are telling me your dignity is worth a few bucks? For real? $3000 to crap in someones mouth. Yall need someone if not Jesus a therapist at least.
I think you are in a really difficult situation. You say that she has depression and anxiety, that she feels remorse and associate her past behavior with sexual trauma. That’s alot for to handle as a partner. She sounds like she needs alot of support. At the same time you sound like you need alot of support. Sometimes it works out where hurt souls can help heal each other but it’s really hard to help someone while you yourself is hurting.
Well she is/was a prostitute and now your buddies know you are dating an (ex)prostitute.
Some people wouldn’t care a bit about that. Most people would.
OP, most people have different standards for people that are their friends, casual partners, and ones worth committing to. She may not have the same outlook of sex and intimacy that you are looking for in a serious partner. I know I wouldn’t be dating her after this revelation.
You can certainly end it like a gentleman though.
My opinion are there are many many possible matches for you, and that good traits are a dime a dozen. You should vet the shit out of your partners and eliminate them based upon their negatives.
I grew up fundamentalist, and I lost an awesome relationship because I became so hung up on her past. Like a good little fundie, I was a virgin; she’d been with maybe a dozen guys. All were boyfriends, as far as I know, so we’re not even talking hookups — more like serial monogamy. But I was driven bonkers by the fact that she’d done all sorts of things that I couldn’t, because I didn’t want the baby Jesus to cry. She was a convert, so we even both agreed that she used to be a big old sinner, and now she was turning over a new leaf.
A big part of that was a “me” problem: I had to unlearn my judgmental, practically misogynist, ways. Which to be honest took more than a decade — long after that relationship was wrecked and over.
Another part of it was simply that I knew too much. Sometimes she overshared, like your GF. Sometimes we met with mutual friends, who spilled stories. Sometimes I got to meet her exes firsthand. I could walk into a bar, or club, or whatever, and easily pick out the kind of guy she’d be attracted to (and they weren’t much like me). My head was full of some pretty vivid images. Some were kind of unavoidable, and some were because she was a bit immature and over-shared with the idea that she was being honest and open with me.
All this to say, there’s two things going on here. One is you deciding what your own boundaries are. If my fundie upbringing made me incapable of dating a girl with a past, then the solution is obvious: I shouldn’t do that. If you find something in her past a deal-breaker, then you should respect your own boundaries and end it as kindly as you can. If not, I suggest therapy as a safe place to work through your feelings without burdening your GF. But in addition, if there’s things you’re not comfortable hearing about, then simply tell her that: “I love you, and I accept your past, but I’m not comfortable hearing about it.”
As for the bit that you disclosed, there are ways to frame what happened. Have you ever wanted to dump on a creepy guy? Well, she got to — and she got paid $5,000 for doing it. For that kind of money, I’d do it myself. That’s two months’ rent in Toronto. The only thing disgusting to *me* in this story is the dude, not your GF.
However things turn out, I hope they work out for the best for you.
I’m not a weirdo but 3 grand is 3 grand.
You already know that, long-term, this is not a stable human.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but there are lots of behaviors people hide because they’re ashamed of them. Yes, those behaviors vary along a spectrum, and this appears to be on the pretty surprising and extreme end, but who gets to decide what parts of our past we owe to our partners?
Her defecating on two guys, while something I also would be shocked by, presumably does not affect your sexual health or physical health in any way. It obviously affects your emotions now that the information has been shared; however, without it being divulged, there was no risk at all to your health. And there still isn’t, at least to your physical health.
She sounds genuinely remorseful, ashamed, and upset, and it truly sounds like she didn’t think this information was relevant to your relationship. And is it? Again, while I think it’s *entirely* reasonable to be shocked and horrified, her never sharing this information with you presumably would never have affected you or your relationship in any way.
Do I think it’s kind of weird she just shared details of her sexual past with your friends? Absolutely. I would be taken aback by that. It’s very understandable and probably even recommended to put boundaries in place there.
But it sounds like you aren’t upset about her past history of sex work and sugar baby dating in general, but about this one particular act. Again, it’s reasonable to have ALL kinds of feelings about this. However, at the end of the day, who gets to decide what’s “hiding” information from someone and what’s simply not sharing information because they genuinely don’t believe it’s relevant? What, beyond past behaviors that would expose a new partner to health risks or danger, are we obligated to disclose to someone new? An abortion? A miscarriage? Plastic surgery? Cancer? Sexual assault? Commission of a minor crime? Disciplinary action at one’s place of employment? Trauma? Past substance use?
Who gets to decide when, what, and why? I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s any of us for anyone else. There is such a wide range of behaviors that would be dealbreakers for all of us, that potential partners might not even think twice about. Or might truly not feel is relevant to disclose.
You can end this if you choose. And you should if you feel you can’t get over it – for both your sakes.
But this – and by this I’m referring to the two specific acts involving defecation – isn’t really an issue I feel like can be framed in terms of moral absolutism. It would be nice if there were a guidebook that outlined what information should reasonably be shared and when, if it doesn’t involve risk of harm to a partner. But unfortunately, there isn’t. I suppose we all have to write our own, not for anyone else, but just for ourselves.
You need to decide if you can get over it or not. It’s not for her to fix or make better for you. It’s your issue and you need to make that decision for yourself. Constantly wanting to rehash it is selfish
It was before you tho, and she was honest. She could of just not said a thing and went about the new relationship.
Are you sure you don’t want her to go back to some clients?…..that’s srly some good money tbh.
I could barely read through the first part where you said it. That would be the end for me.
There’s a disconnect here. If she’s saying she’s not proud of what she’s done, why TF is she regaling all your friends with her stories? If I’m ashamed of something I’ve done, the last thing I’m going to do is proactively joke about it, let alone tell a bunch of people I don’t really know about it. It’s just a little odd.
A person’s past is really only important because it reveals a person’s attitudes towards sex. You’ve figured out that casual sex isn’t for you. Clearly she has no such reservations. If you can’t reconcile that, then let her go.
I’m not sure if what I’m going to say will be helpful or even good advice for you but here are my thoughts. Instead of thinking how bad it hurts to think of he doing favors for money, think about what she went thru in her life to be okay with doing kinks, fetishes, sexual, physical, things for money. For someone to not only know how to make money doing these things but to also consider doing them and actually going thru doing them means she has most likely been thru some extreme sexual abuse and trauma growing up or in general. She didn’t just wake up one day and think “today I want to be a sex worker “. But it sounds like you truly love her and want to help her work thru her issues and live life together. I think I should add that I am a SA survivor and previously lived thru being a sex worker. So maybe I’m just projecting or something. Idk… hope you feel better today than yesterday my reddit friend
Uuuhhhh yeah….no. That wouldn’t be for me. 😳
I’d be more concerned that she is ok with telling friends about it before she told you.
So, your girlfriend was a sex worker before you met. She tells funny stories about it to people who she thinks will not judge her.
Either live with it and be one of the people who she can tell stories to, or don’t and break up with her. Don’t put yourself or her through the hassle of trying to stay together while moralizing over her.
People are not possessions to feel possessive over. Everyone has a past but you’re with her now. Sounds like you might be a better friend to her than girlfriend. Sexual things aren’t everyone’s way of expressing or feeling love either. Choose her now for who she is or let her go for her past that can’t be changed.
Sharing that shit with your friends would not sit well with me.
My bigger problem is her bringing it up to your friends.
Remove the sex work and scat stuff: If I came back from the bathroom and my boyfriend was telling a somewhat gross sex story (or any sex story for that matter) about a past partner, to my friends, for laughs, I would also not be glad.
OP, here’s your new dating profile summary: “Looking for the bare minimum, really, someone honest, someone who won’t entertain my friends with their scat sugar baby escapades.”
I think that’s enough internet for today
Good luck, OP
honest brutal advice? Find a girl who hasn’t shit on a dude’s chest. Do you really want to be thinking about that when you have a family with her?
Past is past. What happened before you came into her life has nothing to do with you. If you cannot let her past be in the past, you need to let her go. And the sooner the better.
Another approach though, might be to ask her if she would be comfortable, not casually discussing her past in general conversation.
What, specifically, bothers you about knowing these things about her past? You keep saying that it hurts you, but why? What is the thought, conclusion, or suspicion fueling that hurt?
EDIT: This, to me, is the most important part of your post:
>This girl so sweet, she has been so thoughtful to me and is here for me through all my weak moments, she listens to me and cares and remembers the important stuff. She makes me feel beautiful and I see myself with her longterm
It’s hard to find a partner like this. She sounds like a keeper to me. Stay with her, and do the work with her to overcome this difficult time. I suspect that if you do stay together, and work through this, and arrive at a peaceful place, you’ll laugh at this in 20 years.
Nah anyone who would do those types of things for money has seriously deep issues. She’s a treesh, return her back to the streets
Run for you life mate
I’m rooting for your gf.
Do yourself a favor and listen to Watsky’s “Sloppy Seconds”.
Tell me you don’t sweep her up in your arms and bawl like a baby at “…there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I’m fucked up just like you and you are fucked up just like me.”
I think you do need to confront your judgment of that past. If you find those acts themselves unethical or immoral, well, that’s a conflict of values, but if you don’t and it just weirds you out I’d work out why. If you’re emotionally reactive to something you logically don’t think should bug you, there’s something to deal with there. If you logically know there’s no reason for this to bother you and you want to continue things, then you can work forward through your emotional hangups about it. I’d talk to a therapist. Your feelings are betraying your actual desires here. You should listen to them but they don’t have to control you if you want to fix this.
Honestly I would talk to a therapist about it. Something like CBT can really help if you have uncontrollable cyclical thoughts like this that are hindering your life. It can also help you perhaps come to the conclusion that you shouldn’t do this. Either way this is a really complicated thing and it’s difficult to make a decision before unpacking your feelings surrounding her past.
We all have a past and some things that may have been done in the past mean nothing with a random but can mean everything with someone special.
So here is my advice… talk to her again. About your feelings… about your insecurities. It sounds to me like you have a couple: you feel like you and the things you do together aren’t as special to her as they are to you, and you are a bit embarrassed hearing about her previous sugar baby days. The second bit is harder IMO. But if it is that you don’t know how to act… you can say that. If it is that people talk and you don’t feel comfortable talking to others about her without her there… tell her.
But if you have a problem with her, then let her go. Let her find someone who loves her for her.
Personally I think you can work through it. But focus on your feelings… Not her actions and not your friends.
I understand your frustration because since she is your first you want to be her first too but what happened in the past stays in the past, she said she did it desperately for money, which is the survival instinct. You don’t know what kind of financial state she was in, maybe she would be homeless if she didn’t do it? You seem like a person that’s easily attached to people (you said you were hurt in the past when u found out that your hook ups were casual in the eyes of your partners) and she clearly has experience with it, and to be honest yes the whole shit thing is disgusting but it shouldn’t change the way you see her. She’s the same person u met
She did that before she met you, not while she was with you.
You say it hurts that the sexual favour had a price, but she doesn’t give you a price. She gives you her love for free.
She makes you feel beautiful and happy, you said it yourself. So the only person hurting you, is you, because you’re tormenting yourself with an irrelevant detail.
What’s done is done, the past is gone and it cannot be changed. Whatever her path was before she met you, she can’t retake it and she shouldn’t have to either. She definitely shouldn’t feel guilty for her choices as they’re her own.
If you feel this will cause too much pain and resentment, walk away. If you can learn to appreciate that this is not relevant to how she treats you as a partner, you can get through it.
If she’s not in your life, is that better or worse than having knowledge of her colourful past? Will you miss out on love that could potentially last a lifetime if you let this break you, or not?
The older you get, the less you will care about these things as everyone has a past, colourful or not. The only thing that truly matters is that you love each other, are respectful and faithful to one another and that you make each other happy in the now. Its not for me to decide your relationship however if I was to give any advice, it would be that her sexual history does not define her personality or how she will treat you. It doesn’t have to destroy the good things you have together and in time you will care less and less 🙂
Were you there to pay her bills? No. So get over it. Sounds like she was doing domme/sub work, you’d be surprised how many people are into that stuff. Who cares? She made money and you weren’t a part of her life, why do you feel like you can judge someone for that?
> she has a dark history of sex related trauma
Yup. Knew it.
You must not know that hypersexuality is a very common symptom of sexual trauma. I say “knew it” to her sexual trauma, because she’s got so many classic symptoms of trauma, that it screamed it off the page to me.
I hope knowing this can change your perspective of her, if not your desire to be with her. But she is someone who would highly benefit from therapy, when she’s ready to get it.
But it’s okay if you can’t keep seeing her because of this, no matter the cause. It’s alright to have this as a boundary.
Eh you two don’t seem to have the same values regarding sex, no matter how much you want her to view it as something tied to deep emotions. Neither of you are wrong for having them, but how you’re treating her now is kinda the same as if she was like, “ew, I’m your first girlfriend?! That’s too much pressure for me, also, you kind of lost value in my eyes and I’m embarrassed to let my friends know that Im your first.” That wouldn’t feel good, would it?
You can’t help it if you’re not open minded enough to date a former sex worker, that’s ok. It’s not ok to say anything to her that indicates that her value has gone down as a person, when really you’re just incompatible on this. Don’t string her along though, break up if you can’t get over it, rather than low key shaming her subconsciously if you can’t let it go. Neither of you are big jerks so far.
If she wasn’t proud of what she had done, why was she laughing and joking about it as she told a room full of your friends while you stepped away?
Of course she is sweet to you. As you just learned, prostitutes can be whatever you want them to be, if the return to them is worth it.
She trickle-truthed you on her past behaviors and disclosed humiliating details to your friends about her past. Details that they learned about before you did. Makes me think she felt so comfortable with your friends that she let her mask slip, and showed who she really is.
Make your decision whether or not to stay with her not on the good parts, but on the worst parts. What else is she hiding from you? Stop overlooking red flags just to be with someone, because doing so got you where you are now—humiliated by your ex-prostitute’s gross behavior.
I think you can do a lot better than her. I mean, now you aren’t the only one who can’t stop picturing her crapping in a man’s mouth for money. Do you really want to live with that image in your and your friends’ minds every time you all hang out? Because it’s going to get brought up into infinity.
Again, I think you can do much better than this, and you deserve to.