I’m 21m in college. I have been getting close to 21f Maris since the semester began. We have been hanging out all the time and doing a lot together. Two weeks ago, on Friday night, I was getting ready for bed late, and she texted me if she could come over to my room. I said yes. She came over, and we sat on my bed. We talked and cuddled for a while. Eventually, we ended up kissing multiple times. I was so tired. She decided to sleep over. She left early the next morning. The rest of that weekend, we continued to hang out and do everything together. That Sunday night, she was having a panic attack and decided to call me to come over. I sat on her bed with her and held her until she was feeling better. Then we went and got food and I kissed her goodnight. That night, I asked her about her lock screen photo. It was of her and some guy. She said it was a long story. I didn’t think much of it. The next day, I was texting her, and she told me it was her ex-boyfriend, and they broke up in November. She was figuring it out. It was a red flag, but I wasn’t very concerned. During the week she asked me to do everything with her. Then, later that week, we were at dinner with her friend she was talking and her boyfriend. I didn’t know what was going on. I decided not to talk to her for a few days. I had a conversation with her, and she does indeed have a boyfriend. She explained that they recently got back together and were not really telling people, but she should have told me about him. Also that she is sorry for what happened. We are still friends. She still asks me to do a lot of stuff with her, and she still let’s me hug her all the time and hold her hand. I never here talk about her boyfriend. From the little I’ve heard about him, he seems like an asshole who doesn’t make time for her.
Tl;dr: I’m confused about our relationship.
7 comments
It sounds like she cares both about you and about her ex, and rather than making a decision she’s trying to get the best of both worlds.
If that’s cool with you, then great. But if not, you are entitled to set whatever boundaries make you comfortable, so it’s totally within reason to tell her “hey, I’d rather not hang out like this unless we’re exclusive.”
Red flag? Um, yes. Several. She doesn’t tell the whole story, she has trouble telling the truth and she appears to be fine sending mixed signals to you and her boyfriend? Hello? I don’t care if her boyfriend is a serial killer. She’s still with him and leading you on at the same time. This is not going to end well for you if you allow yourself to get caught in her trap.
And just so you know; I’m a female and I wouldn’t pull this kind of crap with anyone. I let people know where they stand. She is not being a friend. This is manipulative behavior in my opinion. Danger, Will Robinson!
People don’t know how long their relationship will last with anyone. They get married and hope it’s forever, but sometimes it’s not because circumstances change. Trying to ascertain whether she and her boyfriend will last for whatever time is nearly impossible to guess. It sounds like you’re hoping and waiting. You sound like an intelligent young man. Figure out what it is exactly that you want from her. Then proceed from there. An old saying that is still profound to this day, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”. If she is truly the one for you, then the wait will be worth it. Hard to be young these days. I wish you all the best in your endeavors.
So let me get this straight: She started to get with you, mentioned her boyfriend, and then a few days later, ‘she got back together’ with him? That’s a little strange.
So right now it seems that either two things could be happening here:
One, she doesn’t want to be with her boyfriend and wants out, but doesn’t know how to leave, in which this case you should talk to her, and focus on helping her out of that toxic relationship, rather than getting with her as your first priority. Then maybe you guys can get together.
The other potential situation, numero dos, is that she is playing you. She maybe lied about the whole situation with her boyfriend and is just looking to feel wanted and is playing with you to make herself feel good. Hopefully it’s the first situation, but if it is clear that she won’t break up with her boyfriend or that he isn’t the problem, then I’d suggest distancing yourself from her. You can still be friends, but keep her at arms length, so you don’t get hurt. Also, if her boyfriend is not the problem, you don’t want to make his life worse by moving on his girl.
Just remember, the most important thing to do right now is to talk to her about her relationship with her boyfriend. If she refuses to talk about him, then tell her you don’t want to ruin anything or make him pissed and remember to keep your distance.
Tread carefully, and good luck OP!
She’s cheating on him emotionally with you OP.
ima just say that shit she is doing to her boyfriend now could very well happen to you if y’all end up together in the future. please don’t be an idiot and end up with someone who doesn’t even know what they want
Sounds to me like you’re her back up plan in case anything goes south. The thing about backup plans is they’re not permanent. Keep holding onto her if that’s what you want to do op but I’ve been in your shoes and I can tell you it’s not worth it