Context:
My mom grew up in an abusive household and has never been to therapy. My stepdad and her has been together 6yrs married for 4yrs. He’s the best father figure I could have ever ask for. Even though we disagree on certain things, he is very caring and patient. Whenever my mom and I fought (ex: had an 8pm technology free bedtime until I moved out at 17) he was always the middle man and tried to get us to make up. I’ll admit I was also at fault since I’m also stubborn. But she often gets mad at small things and would change the story to her narrative. She is very overprotective and controlling and has ridiculous rules. Has a I know everything and I’m never wrong mindset. Our relationship has gotten better since I’ve moved out. I learned that its best to agree with everything she says instead of “talking back”.
However, my brother (12) and stepdad are now the one taking all the heat. My brother is going through puberty so it is understandable that they disagree on things. But when it comes to my stepdad its a whole different ball game. I’ve notice that ever since my sister (1.5) was born, she gets crazy protective of her. He helps out with my sister but my mom thinks he is incompetent. He keeps the diaper bag stock and keeps track of everything, all my mom does is ask him for stuff. Of course he does things that can be frustrating for my mom. But she would scream at him and blame him for not “listening” to her.
We are currently visiting my grandpa in a different country. Today, they were showering my sister and she fell on her butt, he was holding her but she tried to run and it was slippery. My mom went into a frenzy and was full on yelling at him. This isn’t the first time that this has happened on our trip. I could hear her across the hotel walls and booked it to their room. She screamed at him to get tf out and was blaming him like usual. He just stood their and took the blame. I feel horrible because I would never let him act this way towards my mom.
My brother, stepdad, and I briefly talked last week and we all agreed that she need to seek help. Last week when my sister threw up because she was sick from the drastic weather change, it was somehow my stepdad’s fault. I tried to approach her is a reasonable and nice way to help her understand that she is hurting her loved one by lashing out. She probably think I just taking his side and that I hate her. What should I do?
TLDR: My mom has anger issues and lashes out at stepdad and blames him for everything, what should I do?
7 comments
Well, it’s unfortunate that your stepfather chose to have another child with his abusive wife.
Your mother is angry and unstable and doesn’t want to change. My advice is to stop thinking she might change; distance yourself from her as much as you need or want to for your own happiness and well-being; make clear to your stepfather that you love and appreciate him and will do whatever you can to help him, including with custody issues, if he decides to leave this terrible relationship; and do whatever you can to help your siblings find peace and stability and to know that it’s not their fault their mother acts so horribly.
Stop coddling your mom. Don’t just agree with everything to keep the peace. Your mom needs a come to Jesus meeting. “Mom, not everything is stepdad’s fault. Sometimes the blame lays on you. Sometimes there’s really no one to blame at all. Your way is not the only way and we don’t exist to take all your blame and anger. You need therapy to deal with your issues before you drive everyone away from you.”
My mom is exactly like this, over the years I’ve had to come to the realization that she’s not changing and only getting worse. My dad, the most patient, understanding, level headed person, is not going to leave her. His excuse is their religion, and his commitment. It breaks my hurt knowing I’m never going to have a real relationship with her, and that it affects my relationship with my dad. The only thing I can tell you, is that 1. It’s not your fault, I always thought I was a bad kid bc of how my mom would react to the smallest thing. 2. Your dad is a grown adult and it’s not your job to protect him from his choice.
Just be there for your siblings and let your step dad know you will be there for him if he decides to leave
Sounds like everyone walks on egg shells around her. Stage an intervention, tell her the truth about what she is and how she makes you all feel and if she doesn’t go to therapy and change, do something about it.
Another post that has me feeling sorry for children…
Stepdad needs to ensure mom gets therapy!!
It’s difficult but the solution is simple. Therapy. But getting her to therapy sounds difficult as well. Good luck lol