For so long, all I [M19] could meet were girls that would either ghost or be insincere with me. I even got into a really toxic relationship with a girl that really fucked me up. And now, I have a hard time trusting the people I go on dates with
Last week, I had a date with that girl [F23]. The date in itself went well, but for some reason I got nervous around the moment we finished our drinks, and I ended the date without suggesting her to come over my apartment (which I usually do effortlessly). Texting her after the date, she told me she thought I wasn’t interested. I had to tell her it wasn’t the case and asked her if she’d go on a second date, to which she agreed
We were supposed to meet yesterday, but she had an impediment (visiting her family out of town earlier than expected), and suggested to postpone the date to sometime next week. No problem, but because of my numerous negative past experiences, I can’t help but thinking she’s eventually gonna ghost me because that’s what happens every time
I know the problem is me, not her at all. That’s why I’m posting here. I just want to stop having these stupid trust issues. Maybe they’re supposed to protect me but it feels more tiring than anything else
5 comments
Getting out of your own way can be difficult. It’s hard to heal. Have you considered taking a break from dating and focusing on being the best version of yourself? Maybe that way, when you do get back out there, you’re confident, sure of yourself, and ready to fully be present on your dates instead of getting caught in your own head.
Done
I have similar issues. I am 28F and I had my share of bad experiences. I recently started dating a guy I really like and it seems too good to be true, so my default defense mechanism is to assume the worst. I always think “if I expect the worst than it won’t hurt as much” but that’s not true. I recently got interested in philosophy and particularly in the practice of Stoicism, I think you should look into that. There is an aspect of this philosophy that essentially explains the difference between being ready for the worst and expecting it. It’s called “negative visualisation”. Practicing this should essentially help you to be prepared to lose the things and people you love but also approaching this in a different way than “assuming the worst”. It’s complex, I am working on it.
For now, I would say just try to build your trust back up slowly. Assume positive intent and judge the person on their actions and not your assumptions. I know it’s hard, but it’s great that you are so self aware and trying to work on it. You’ll be fine. 🙂
You have no choice but to push forward. I once got 15 “no chemistry” texts in a row from 15 different women after the first date. I somehow turned things around and hooked up on the the first date or at least got a kiss from 99% of the women I went out with after. Just keep going. You will figure it out.
I want a girl friend