TL;DR: My wife wants to be angry at me it seems
My wife is constantly fighting with me and it’s over anything she can find. I hate fighting and I try extremely hard to not fight. I’m starting to feel like she looks for a reason to be angry at me. When she gets angry she gets ugly.. she says things like this is not her home. She says that she doesn’t want to talk to me. She just gives me silent treatment no matter what I say. Even after she has said she won’t give me silent treatment again she does it everytime.
I’m not perfect either I mean I do sometimes make mistakes like forget to pack away laundry or something and even for something like that she will snap at me and get angry and even yell.
When I try to talk about problems to her she just ignores me and never ever talks about the problem. If she does start to talk she twists it in a way of basically just blaming me and telling me how bad I am to the point where I even believe her.
We both are age 31 and I’ve been a gamer since I met her. However I hardly game at all these days and I mean that. I am not allowed to even game sometimes when she goes to bed and I’m still awake. I have to go bed with her. Then she says after she falls asleep I can sneak out and game but then she stays up so late that all my friends are sleeping anyway.
If I do ask her hey can I play games with my nephew tonight she would sometimes say yes sure but she is not happy about it. Other times if I play a game or ask about playing games she would say something like YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GAMES and go off at me and tell me how gaming is my whole life and make me feel so bad for playing. Even tho I honestly hardly play.
Then she will say just play I don’t care if you play I don’t want you to ever say that I stop you… but then I ask but can I atleast tell you and she says don’t talk to me at all about gaming if you do it it’s up to you but don’t tell me.
So in my mind I’m thinking she’s not stopping me but she will remain angry at me if I play.. quite a shit situation. No matter what the problem also the angry level is always the same and the treatment is the same too.
I also am at the point where I try extremely hard not to make any mistakes but we fight once a week minimum. We’ll she fights… I just please and explain I do not fight back or argue at all.
The other day I broke down crying infront of her during one of these arguments over something stupid like gaming. Even tho I was crying and I mean ugly crying… she never once comforted me or gave me any affection. She actually got abit upset at me crying.
And before you ask this never lasts long.
Longest is a day and then it’s ok for a few days until something pops up.
Truth is I love her to bits and when she is not angry she is such a beautiful person.. I love her.. but am I being weird for feeling like this is not normal?
25 comments
She’s built up a lot of resentment toward you. If you don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life and you don’t want to leave her, couples’ counseling is probably your best option.
It’s not normal. It’s abusive. She is being mean to you to control your behavior. And you two do not talk through and resolve problems together, which means you don’t’ have a real relationship. If you can’t talk to your partner about the problems you have that are making you unhappy in the relationship and work together to find a resolution you ca both be happy with, then you don’t have a partner. I know you love her, but there is no indication here she even wants a healthy relationship with you, and she certainly is not capable of one.
Give your self the perfect gift – divorce her. Skip the counseling where all she will do is complain about you and “win” the session and just get divorced. Your life will improve and hopefully her does also, but who cares. She is making you miserable.
You mentioned you don’t put your laundry away sometimes. Are you an active participant in managing your household? Who pays the bills? Cooks? Are you employed? How are the chores distributed?
You are being abused. What is your exit plan?
You are a convenient victim for her to dump on. How can you love this?
Counseling will probably take 20 years for her to become civil and appreciative.
This seems like someone who’s going to be divorced four times
Do you know what her love language is ? Do you know what your love language is? Constant fights are always something else coming to the surface.
No it’s abusive.
Not normal at all.
Why are you sneaking around like she’s a controlling parent. Something is fucky in this relationship dude.
Is it possible that she has fallen out of love and is picking fights because she’s too much of a coward to break up with you? I hate to suggest that except that I’ve found myself unconsciously doing it once or twice and when I realized it for what it was I ended things.
Sounds like you’re both really unhappy and unfulfilled. Maybe it’s time to move on.
This is not a loving relationship. There are no amount of good times that can compensate for the emotional and mental abuse OP.
She has you trapped under her thumb because she knows you hate confrontation. I agree with everyone saying you need to leave. Rally your family and friends. Be vulnerable with them NOT to her. Let them know the torture she puts you through so they can support you when you leave.
Is there any history of mood disorders in the family? Depression in the 15-25 year-old? Hypomanic or manic episodes? Suicide?
Irritability this bizarre might be an indication of a psychiatric disease.
She’s abusive. She will not change. Get out.
Hey I don’t want to be alarmist but I’ve had experience with a partner who is suddenly mean. I also have friends with similar situations. Do you know if there’s a chance she’s cheating on you? I don’t want to go straight to that but I obviously am. It’s a huge red flag. A lot of times they want to create chaos to justify cheating
If you tried to set a boundary, for example “don’t yell at me or I leave the house for three days, the second time I leave for good”, what would happen? Would you end up single in four days? If yes, then you know what you have to do. Break up with this person. This relationship is too far gone.
For your next relationship, research boundaries, what they are, how to set them and how to keep them. Ultimately, you cannot control other people completely, but you can control yourself and your actions. The neat thing with boundaries is that they only ever rely on ourselves, they are completely up to us whether they are kept or not, and they protect us from any abuse, any bad situation and any negative relationship. Sure, if you go from keeping almost no boundaries to suddenly keeping all of them, you will enter into a time of upheaval, a lot of people will be exiting from your life, and you might be lonely for a time. But this is a good thing, because it mean you can finally start building a real life for yourself with people around you that actually care about you and make your life better, not worse.
The best thing you can do for yourself is admit what is happening here, accept the current level you are at right now, leave the useless judgments, the unhelpful shame and the meaningless blame for later (or just don’t bother at all!) and focus on creating firm self-respecting boundaries and pour all your energy and effort into maintaining them. Years from now you will one day encounter a similar situation from the days of your ex which takes you right back in an instant, and you will watch yourself in amazement as you automatically shut down the entire situation with a few words and you turn and walk out of there with your dignity held high.
Good luck!
Your dynamic triggers me a bit because it reminded me of my parents.
My dad is so passive-calm-kind-hearted. He reminds of that character in that movie: Waymond (everything everywhere all at once)–less silly though and definitely never cried in front of us. Sure. He’s not perfect, he’s had time when he’s missed during household duty. While my mom is so aggressive and just angry all the time. So much yelling, berating, verbally abusive. Not a believer in counseling, etc. To be fair, she provided well for the family, took care of our schooling, etc. She’s an electrical engineer herself while my dad was a CEO at a bank.
The thing is, now things have changed a lot now that they’re in their 70s. Mom is still kind of mean but less yelling and more crying…while my dad is just ‘cruising’ through life. He’s a rock… he’s there for her 100%. I’m sure that they do love each other, but my mother was super mean…
But yeah, please don’t have kids. We get to watch the whole thing unfold and it’s not good…. if you can, go to individual counseling.
It sounds like she doesn’t like you very much.
It also sounds like neither of you tried counseling before this.
At this point you might want to end the relationship. Neither of you is enjoying it.
At first look this does not sound salvageable. I would recommend counseling solo for you. I think you will find one of two things: either you are so conflict avoidant that you aren’t hearing what she’s saying or she is straight up abusive and you need some tools to make a plan to leave and a plan to avoid getting into a similar relationship.
Your post hits home. Your wife must know my wife. Mood swings galore, being called demeaning names, saying something innocent and she’ll take it the wrong way, yelling at me in front of our daughter, finding ways to insult me. The bad times outweigh the good ones 5:1. I finally grew a backbone and won’t take her crap anymore. Today, she asked for a hug, so I hugged her. She asked for a kiss and I denied her…I didn’t want to. This is a day after she insulted my intelligence again. F no.
You’re being emotionally abused OP. I’ve made my exit plan. I suggest you do the same.
As someone who’s entire free time is spent in front of a computer and dealt with this a little bit early on especially the “go play your computer” then gives you attitude for the next 2 days this is what I did.
I told her that if there was anything she wanted to do we could go do it. She didn’t have any hobbies though, I was her hobby. Until you have something for us to do I’ll be on my computer. Your welcome to come talk to me as much as you want. She started just using her phone behind me while watching a TV show. Now we exist next to each other, can talk at any point but she understands that if I’m doing something and I need a second to give me one.
Relationship has never been better. In fact she just told me to get the gear off, she’s ready to rumble. Cya!
marriage should not be like walking on eggshells. she sounds like a ticking timebobmb. just divorce her now, before she breaks more of who you really are
Does she see a therapist or have a current mental health treatment plan? It sounds like she is suffering, and projecting that suffering onto you, unfortunately. Get her help. There is something deeper to this for her.
I understand what you are going through. I feel as though I am in the same boat.
I’m guessing she has not always been so angry with you, correct? Either way, it’s not ok for you to be treated this way. Have you tried talking to her about it? If so, was it when she was upset with you or when she was in a good mood? It sounds like you contribute to the household (cleaning cooking etc), right? The only other things I can think of is: her hormones could be “off” or maybe she suffers from some sort of PTSD. I am sorry this is happening and I wish I could offer more advice.
You have a Karen, not a wife.
You need couples therapy or you have to face that love isn’t always enough because neither you nor her are happy in this marriage. You have to figure out why and I don’t see any chance anymore you could get to a talking level where you can dive into the actual problems. All these fights are the so called toothpaste tube. It’s never about that and only few people are able to get away from that alone. You need someone asking you the right questions and whose profession it is to read between these lines.
If one of you isn’t willed to do that then your only options are being unhappy and fearing she will end it one day or leaving yourself.
And yes, it is psychological abuse. I just don’t think telling you what I would do, leaving, is very helpful since I doubt it is on your plan. That’s why I tell you your options.