Yeah.
Been with him for 3.5y. It was, difficult at first For a good year he refused my love language. Words of affirmation. Then got better.
6mo ago I found out by snooping(I know, I saw a weird message pop up, not an excuse.)he has been messaging, emailing and snapchatting this girl in a different country thousands of mi away. Referring to me, as his male roommate.
So I confronted him, asked him to tell her he is in a relationship. He refused. So I did. I wasn’t rude or anything bc I know it wasn’t her fault. I asked if they ever had sex, etc. She was really nice and she said she is so sorry, and she respects my relationship.
I apologized to her for coming to her and asking and thank her for being so nice. It’s fine.
Him and I proceed to argue about this frequently. He would ask me when I would stop being insecure. How many times do we have to revisit the past. Etc.
I was hurt, he was giving someone else my love language when I would beg for it. I told him very productively how to. “Hey, I really need words of affirmation outside of sex. Anything nice. Make me feel like you’re attracted to me.” And, he would forget. Then I saw everything.. he was telling her she has an amazing body.. she could be a model, he wishes he could be in the same room as her while she was getting dressed, she has amazing qualities to her.. lots and lots of stuff. It hurt.
After I pointed that out, he got much better. At first he is hesitant to show me the messages between them, but does bc he said he knows I need this. He gives me the compliments he gave her.. but they’re half assed. With her, he would rave and rave about her body.. and with me.. he goes “yeah, I.. like your legs” I had to ask.. I lost 30lbs being with him.. I look amazing.. I’m 130lbs now, toned, I have a good looking face..
I was super patient with his growth.. he became so so so sweet again, very outright with his texts, reassured me so much, told me he will do whatever it takes to fix this.. I was really good at voicing when I needed reassurance becayse sometimes if I didn’t ask correctly he would get really mad at me.. no arguements for 3mo.. it was way more than I could ever ask for, I was so thankful and grateful and happy..
I saw this post yesterday about this woman who was cheated on and her husband still talks to the woman.. and the comments really resonated with me.
I confronted him, I’ll admit in not the most productive way by saying things like they’re not really friends bc he would’ve respected her relationship, and he had an obsession.. he hid her and lied. Telling me for 2 years, that “she knows we were together. There’s no flirting, etc.” I believed him.. because throughout that time i was confident, not even a little insecure.. now im a mess..
anyways. I explained I’m not okay with that friendship anymore and that him staying friends with her really really affects my mental health and confidence. I feel like I was just a choice and him continuing to talk to her, even though it is innocent now, really makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me to end what he calls a friendship.
He told me to stop wasting his time. I’m never going to grow or change, ans he doesn’t love me anymore.. since for the rest of my life I will be like this insecure shell, and then he blocked me on everything.
TLDR: caught him emotionally cheating, he fixes everything, reassuring, amazing, no bad arguements for 3mo where when we did argue we set up arguement boundaries, etc.. but still was talking to her. I asked him to stop. Im told im a waste of time and blocked.
I don’t know how to process anything. This seemed like the most loving and important person in my life, he even said he wanted to spend the rest of my life with me.. and then blocked.. like he valued his friendship with her more than the relationship with me, im hurting. I never had a healthy relationship, this was the closest, I feel so bad, like maybe I was wrong for asking him to stop talking to her even though it was innocent
Was I the bad person? I didn’t meant to get so insecure, I just desperately wanted my love language from the person I love.. I never stopped giving him his love languages, if anything during arguements I would remind him I love him, he is a good person, etc and we are not doing well, and we should take a break from the convo.. I tried that today and he laughed in my face and told me I’m not worth his time because I can’t change..
16 comments
I didn’t finish reading this but I saw enough there to think this is a red flag,sis! 🚩 Emotional cheating is still cheating and any trust you had there will never be the same. Not saying people can’t change for the better, but this is something that I would have to walk away from.
No, you were not the bad person. He treated you like crap repeatedly. I think it’s very sad that you think no arguments for 3 months is some spectacular things, instead of just normal and not notable.
You arent a bad person; he is. Full stop.
You need out of this relationship- Full stop.
No counseling, no fixing this- no. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars- this is where you START. PACKING.
Continue to pack until you are all packed. Find a place to go. Then go there. Without him.
Then you proceed to never speak to him again, and live your life.
This is the only scenario in which you escape a nightmare OP.
Leave.
I’m sorry that happened to you. You were not the bad person you sound crazy for even asking that.
If he was so able to leave you like that this sounds like something he’s been thinking about for awhile.
Consider this a blessing cause you can do so much better with someone you are compatible with.
He will regret his decision but do not chase him.
Girl you are young and beautiful, please please, I know you are hurt and probably a little broken but you need to take the time to heal and practise self love and care in the meantime. Remember who you are as your own person who isn’t in a relationship, you are different now things are different now.
It may look cloudy and dark out there but this is your time, your prime. It’s the best time to be single.
A boyfriend who tells prove his girlfriend is just his roommate isn’t really a boyfriend at all. Move on from this clown, you deserve better.
Why u dating guy that when he was 20 u were 12
You can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they don’t want.
you’re worth a lot more than that, don’t waste your time with someone who clearly does not return your affection and does not respect you.
You can do so much better, and you deserve so much more.
When you need to ask for love..there is no love. He is cheating and is not honest. Your dream love is only in your head.
I know it hurts. But someone who says you are a waste of time is a waste of yours. He lied to both of you. He doesn’t speak your love language.
Don’t give him more time.
I have been where you are. I kept him on condition of no lies, he lied. I kept him on condition of no contact, they kept talking. Three quarters of a year later I finally went to no contact.
Yes, it hurt horribly, but my friends rallied, and acquaintances became lifelong friends.
Once I was ok again, I started dating with a list of deal makers and breakers. Now I am looking back on over 21 years with an honest man to whom affirming our love in the way I need comes naturally.
You can do the same. It looks like you have a great example of what doesn’t work for you in a relationship. Get out, free yourself, enjoy yourself, build your friendships, build your career, and go looking for someone who does work for you.
Sweetheart, I say this with all kindness: you need therapy.
This isn’t a guy you would be chasing for love or affirmation. Reading this is like seeing a puppy chase after someone who deliberately kicked them. You are so desperate to be loved that you are affixing your self-worth to someone who doesn’t care about you but LOVES how much you love them and are willing to debase yourself for them.
> For a good year he refused my love language.
> he was giving someone else my love language when I would beg for it. I told him very productively how to. And, he would **”forget”**
> I lost 30lbs being with him….I was super patient with his growth
> if I didn’t ask correctly he would get really mad at me
> He told me to stop wasting his time. I’m never going to grow or change, ans he doesn’t love me anymore
> I would remind him I love him, he is a good person, etc and we are not doing well, and we should take a break from the convo.. I tried that today and he laughed in my face and told me I’m not worth his time
This is the definition of looking for love in all the wrong places. You are making yourself pathetic for this man and I have no doubt he loves it. He loves seeing you beg for his love, his attention, for your needs to be met, and he loves saying “NO” to your face *and you still stay anyway*. He almost certainly loves this power over you.
Please, find yourself a good therapist. Did deep into your internal beliefs about yourself, about why you don’t think you deserve love, and untie those knots. It takes time, but it MUST be done.
You are 24, and he is 32. He’s still a shitty person at that age, there’s no fixing that. You’re still young, in your early 20’s. Please understand that you did nothing wrong, but sometimes shitty people can get lucky and hook a kind and genuine person into believing their lies.
Leave him and when he inevitably comes crawling back, have the strengrh to deny him otherwise he’ll waste more of your life.
He’s awful. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and be ready to say “no thanks” when he comes crawling back.
I promise you, it may feel like he was the best, but you’ll find far, far better out there. Don’t compromise who you are for someone else. You’re worth more than this.
I second a poster who suggested therapy. It’s not healthy to think this sort of treatment from a partner is normal. Please work through that before you do the same again in your next relationship.
My ex actually did this same thing as well- except he didn’t put in any effort to meet my love languages, particularly words of affirmation/quality time.
When we got together he was super romantic and would write emails and texts back and forth all the time. We connected over current events and interesting stories and articles.
At some point he ceased all of that- trying to get him to talk about anything with me in any form was like pulling teeth. He told me he just wasn’t like that anymore. In fact, he went further and guilted me by saying he had changed and grown and accused me of not accepting who he was now blah blah blah. Told me he really didn’t like me pressuring him, and honestly he made me feel pretty bad. I was just trying to stay connected, and I couldn’t figure out what had changed.Â
Until I found the emails he was writing to a woman in another country. Long, romantic emails, long messages about their days, what they were interested in, etc. All that time he had told me he didn’t like emailing/texting anymore, but the truth was he didn’t like doing that we ME anymore. He could do it all just fine and clearly had the interest to do so despite being adamant he wasn’t.Â
Suffice to say, you’re not a bad person. Sounds like your ex flipped the script and gas lighted you similarly into you being the problem. I think once you have some space from this relationship you’ll see what a tool he is and you’ll wonder why you spent so much time begging him to love you. That’s what happened after-and guess what? When you find a guy who actually loves you, you won’t have to beg him to try to meet your needs even if they aren’t his natural inclination. He will WANT to make you feel loved, he won’t laugh at you. Your ex doesn’t love you- he laughed at you, was unkind, and didn’t care about your feelings at all.Â
One thing that helped me when my ex and I broke up was to read psychology articles online about toxic relationships- why we stay with them, what brains are like on breakups (google this one especially- very interesting information).
It was weird-I was so unhappy with my ex, I felt like I was drowning when I was with him. When we broke up I cried so much and I couldn’t figure out why- objectively, I didn’t love him. Not who he turned out to be-I loved the image in my head he made me think he was when we started dating originally. Actually, after we broke up I felt like I could breathe again, like a huge weight was lifted. It was the best I felt in years.
So why was I crying and feeling so sad?
It took a lot of reading, therapy and self-reflection to figure out I was really mourning being wrong (a lot of people in my life did not like him, and I’ll be honest here that it really stung when they were right- my stupid ego is the main reason I stayed with him so long), not losing him. I knew deep down he wasn’t good for me and I was not happy with him but I wanted to prove everyone (and myself) wrong. Honestly, it really shook my sense of self and I wondered if I could ever trust my own judgement ever again.Â
I think this is a great time for you to focus on yourself- your whole post is about your focus on meeting his needs and begging him to meet yours. When was the last time you really focused on meeting your own needs? Being kind to yourself? Who are you without him?
Run away baby even if you can patch all of the previous incidences you have not been with him that long before you know it you’ll be able to backtrack with dozens of situations
You criticize yourself for not using the right words, while your AH boyfriend has been lying to you and gaslighting you and treating you badly. You are way to good for him. Don’t waste any more of your precious time. Leave and find someone who is worthy of you. Oh, and treat yourself better. If you start with that, everything else will follow.