Those of you that grew up in an emotionally healthy atmosphere, what is a normal/healthy amount of conflict to have at home?

10 comments

1. > Maybe it’s inevitable and happens in every family

   I have had ONE big screaming fight with my husband in fourteen years. ONE.

   The difference is in what you tolerate.

2. Not all families yell, certainly not regularly. And you already know that it’s within your boyfriend’s power to resolve conflicts without yelling, since he does that with you. And you don’t have to be around that. If I were you, I would refuse to go home with him unless he promised me there would be no yelling; and if the yelling started, I’d either leave then, or stick out the visit and choose not to return.

3. Yelling is not a given. Nobody in my life yells at me. My parents did not yell. Yelling is what people who don’t know how to discuss problems to resolve them civilly do. People with reasonable conflict resolution skills will only yell under extreme circumstances. Extreme circumstances should be rare – if they aren’t, then that is also an indication of a big problem. (Note, I do differentiate between yelling and shouting/screaming – yelling is an anger thing, shouting is a needing to be heard thing (such as shouting upstairs that dinner is ready because you don’t want to walk up the stairs) and screaming is a fear/danger thing, like I screamed once because I accidentally set myself on fire (I was fine, fortunately.))

4. If someone starts yelling, then you’ve both already lost.

   Here’s what you do:

   Tell your partner, if you ever start yelling during an argument, I will do X. Make X whatever you feel like, but it should probably be something like “I will leave and stay at a hotel for three days.”

   This is what’s called a boundary. The neat thing with a boundary is that it doesn’t rely on anyone but yourself, because all you’re doing is describing a trigger and an action that you will take, and since you are in control of you, you can do that action whenever.

   Then once you come home again, you escalate the boundary, “If X happens again I will do Y*2” ultimately ending up in “I will leave for good”.

   Of course there might be circumstances, like if you’re literally in a stuck elevator with him or something lol, but in that case you just freestyle, “I will leave once we are out of this elevator”.

   If you do this your dream of having a life without any (almost) screaming can easily be a reality. And if it ever happens, you know what to do, the person screaming knows what you will do, your family will know, your friends will know and all the other people around you know what you will do.

   This will be your superpower.

   Only use boundaries for minimum level thresholds, don’t use them to manipulate other people and don’t phrase them as ultimatums, just inform other people of the reality. Don’t discuss your boundaries with other people either. They’re not up for discussion. They are the absolute minimum things you need to lead a fullfulling life.

   If you can’t frame a boundary as “if you do X, or if X thing happens, then I will do Y” then it’s not a boundary.

   Good luck!

5. Conflict and yelling are not the same thing. Some families yell at each other when they’re not fighting at all! And some families are neck-deep in conflict all the time without ever raising their voices louder than a whisper. Most are somewhere in the middle. I guess. My family wasn’t high-conflict but we *definitely* weren’t yellers; it took me a long time to get comfortable around my friends and their families who regularly debate and interrupt and talk loudly at each other all the time. It totally makes sense that it would be even more difficult for someone who has a lot more negative experiences with yelling.

   I think any amount of conflict can be healthy as long as it’s resolved respectfully and productively. Conflict resolution is a skill, not an innate talent! If you and your partner are both willing to break your generational patterns and learn how to fight with each other in a better way, that’s absolutely something you can learn together. That’s totally something that a couples counselor can help you work through. But you have to be willing to put in the effort. It’s not something that will just magically fall into place on its own.

6. Conflict isn’t necessarily yelling. It’s okay to argue, but yelling is not inherently a part of that.

   The answer is “very, very, very rarely”. And not yelling like screaming matches, like maybe a yell or two and then withdrawing from the conversation, because doing that to avoid escalation is important. I do think like a full-on screaming match is a different sort of thing and I can’t say I’ve ever been apart of that in my relationship. Nothing close.

   Though I will say I think maybe you’d get into that sort of thing with a child/teenager at some point, because children yell and get angry and can’t regulate their emotions. But a normal adult relationship shouldn’t have that same issue.

7. > Maybe it’s inevitable and happens in every family

   It doesn’t.

   It did in my family when I was growing up. I swore it would never be me.

   My husband and I often have disagreements, but *arguments* are rare, and screaming matches happen never. We are adults and we have made an effort to learn conflict resolution techniques that *don’t* involve raised voices, intimidation, violence or abuse.

   Embrace and research *respectful* conflict resolution techniques. Never accept anything less but the same from a partner.

8. Conflict is inevitable, but yelling is not. How they handle conflict says a lot about a person and/or their family. No adult should have temper tantrums. It reeks of emotional immaturity.

   My family yells a lot, but I never yell back. When someone yells at me, I rarely feel any sort of anger or need to “match their energy”, so to speak. That does not mean you should be conflict avoidant. You should calmly assert yourself and your boundaries, preferably in a clear and concise way.

   You should not strive to raise your children in an environment void of conflict, instead strive to raise them in one that handles conflict in a calm, safe and appropriate manner. That way your children will learn, and in time know how to deal with conflict properly.

9. I grew up in a home where angry screaming matches happened constantly. Since then, I’ve both lived with people who have screaming matches with their family fairly regularly, and people who are able to calmly discuss their issues. I would never ever go back into an environment that was angry and aggressive because it’s so mentally draining and drags back so much childhood trauma

   You need to consider your own mental wellbeing and whether you want to be surrounded by arguments potentially for the rest of your life, depending on how well the relationship progresses

10. I grew up with the same thing you did. I just looked at it as a way of NOT to be, and that I would never raise my future kids in that environment. Flash forward had kids got married, and my marriage is great. We expect mutual respect from each other and tell each other everything. We talk things out. It’s not easy sometimes, conflict does happen but your children benefit/listening from watching parents talking things out. You are nervous, understandable. I never thought I would be married almost 30 yrs. I just knew marriage ended in divorce. But my husband and i were on the same page and if we disagreed. That was okay