I have come to the conclusion that my husband and I are sexually incompatible. I have overlooked it for quite some time, but it is presenting itself in quite a clear way lately. The problem is, I don’t think he feels the same way. There are many issues that have brought us to this place and I am really wondering if this can ever change. Like many others, this is an area that is less than satisfactory to me and I would love to figure out how to change it, if this is possible. For those of you who have been through situations such as these, is there anything that has worked to bring you both to the same level of satisfaction? Communication issues are a big factor here, but really not sure where to go from here. Counseling? Seems rather hopeless, but who knows at this point?
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I’m interested in what others say as well.
It sounds like couples counseling could only help
What exactly is missing? You said communication, but that’s a broad area. Foreplay, toys, kinks, etc?
Or is it the actual passion?
Kind of hard to say without more details. I’m sure couples counseling may help.
Counseling is helpful because you have an unbiased person guiding the conversation. Communication is so important. Maybe start there.
We’d need more details. This topic is complicated and different for everyone and every DB situation is unique. Sometimes it’s a result infidelity, a lack of communication, trauma, lack of intimacy outside of sex, no foreplay, etc. and they can’t all be fixed the same way.
Like, I never had a DB but our sex life was suffering because I was stressed every time we had sex. This was the result of a two year recurrent yeast/BV infection where it resulted in my being averse to my own genitals and sex in general. That took therapy.
A family member was suffering because her husband stopped putting in the work and she was losing attraction to him, that required straightforward and honest communication.
Why is the communication missing or an issue? Is it cause it’s uncomfortable to talk about? Or is it because the satisfied one that doesn’t want the dynamic to change gets to keep things the same by ignoring you?
Either way I find sex best to talk about at a non sex time so there’s no pressure and more of an open dialogue where each other is comfortable to say; yeah I’m for that, I may need to warm up to that, or that’s not something I’d do. Words in general are vague, we think in pictures and so does your partner but it’s not necessarily the same picture. So if you say you want more foreplay or passion you might have to explain that in the detailed picture you’re seeing versus just asking for more foreplay.
So you’re a cum receptacle these days? I’m guessing the sex was good when you first got together. This is pretty common on this subreddit. Seems like women love the thrill of the chase and want it to last forever but men usually stop chasing once you’re theirs.
You need to spend some time really thinking about and writing down how you feel and why you feel the way you do because you’re far too vague here in the comments
To the extent it may help. We married after 3 yrs dating, and even before we married we were already in a DB. For the first 8-9 years of our marriage, 4 times in a year was a big year. She could not bring herself to initiate and was somewhat starfishy, and I just wasn’t into it. I’m sure I wasn’t the most attentive if/when we did. I masterbated daily, I’m sure she was aware but we NEVER talked about it. in the 9th year our lives exploded in a way that’s not relevant. What is is that she went on Zoloft for a year I went on Welbutrin. probably 3 months or so into welbutrin, just one night, I can’t describe it better than like a switch was thown in mah brain. Tripped or something. Just outta the blue I asked her if she wanted to watch a porn movie with me, she said yes. We’ve pretty much fucked like rabbits since then. I’m def. higher libedo, but she manages 3 times a week and I ain’t complaining.
Just our story…FWIW…
There are several good sex “experts” on YouTube and who have podcasts. Try searching for them and either watch/listen alone or send ones pertaining to your situation to him to view/listen to. Good luck 🍀
Communication is definitely the key here. It‘s so tricky but it can be done. Have an open honest talk, you list what you’d like to try and he lists what he would be willing to try/do. The use of toys together, is a good way for you to be satisfied. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay!!
Some men aren’t ‘comfortable’ taking the lead, they need to be led.
How open are you both with each other? Do you talk about your needs and wants?
(M) Married 35 years. My main comment is that therapy isn’t a waste of time, even if you end up splitting up. Individual therapy and couple’s therapy are both good and help in different ways. I suggest you both doing some individual work first, because you really learn the concept of a safe space and get used to spilling your guts to a therapist. You learn a lot of things that help you communicate when you later go to couple’s, and of course all the personal benefits.
My wife and I had underlying issues that we weren’t aware of. We were so busy having great adventures together etc. that we didn’t realize we didn’t have a good emotional connection. That caused problems as we got older. I wanted couples therapy, but my wife refused. She thought it would just be a moderated debate (I’m a good debater, and more of a talker than my wife).
So, we both started individual therapy (me 62, and her 57). It was amazing! Like having a personal trainer for your brain. So many things to learn that I wasn’t aware of. I had plenty of non-relationship things to work on, so it wasn’t like I was wasting time. After about five months of her own therapy, my wife felt more comfortable with trying couple’s counseling. It helped define our “real” problems, and helped in other ways too. We went for 15 weeks, and also stuck with our individual therapies during that time. The “combo” is good because you can whine to your individual therapist about how hard the couples stuff is. They can support you in ways the couples therapist can’t.
Couples therapy improved our communication, and we got to understand more about each other’s viewpoints. But we ran into a roadblock that had to do with our upbringings. We quit couple’s and focused on our individual therapy again. We schedule one night a week to talk about “serious stuff.” We follow all the rules of safe communication, try not to be defensive, never raise voices, and only one person’s topic gets dealt with per session.
This all was very hard, for a long time (more than a year). We thought of giving up lots of times. But we are both stubborn, and driven, people. It’s looking now like the last part of our lives will be great. Our main regret is that we didn’t do all this earlier.
Sometimes you just have to be blunt and just say it. I’ll say I did, and it changed things immediately. It’s not fair to live your life wanting something so simple that doesn’t cost any money from your husband.
Did you try open marriage option? You said other guys give you attention. There are a lot of couples who enjoy open marriage and it spice up the sex in marriage. Also, a lot of guys have fantasy of their wife having sex with other guys.
I feel this 100%
I left my ex because she was no longer interested in sex, and that was a great decision. I’m so much happier now, having a lot more sex with a wider variety of people.