Ground Control to Major Tom
I need advice but dont know where to start. I’m a 40 year old male and been divorced for just over 6 months now. No kids and no feelings for the ex.
I’ve been seeing a girl that is 30 with a kid. We started dating and everything was/is going great. She introduced me to her family and kid. I assumed this meant things, but then awkwardness.
Her baby daddy that she said was out of the picture decided he wants to have a relationship with his son all of a sudden. I know that they have been talking because she’s an open book.
We had a conversation the other day that threw out tons of mix signals. She has been talking to the baby daddy and vaguely said that she needs to put boundaries on their conversation. She said that her baby daddy has been dropping hints about them getting back together (currently he is with another girl with another kid). I calmly and tactfully asked what she wanted and where are we.
In chronological order, she said that she liked me, but wasn’t ready to committ to a relationship and she still wanted to learn about me. We’ve only kissed and haven’t had sex (we’ve been seeing each other for 3 months). She told me that she is in therapy (which I knew) because of her disability to make attachments. Then, ended the conversation saying that she had really good chemistry with the baby daddy, but knew they were toxic.
I told her that I understood where she was coming from. I had a toxic relationship where I was completely in love. The ex needed to stay the ex for the both of our well beings. I ended the conversation saying that if there is nothing between is that we shouldn’t waste each other’s time.
In my thinking, I want to be patient but “not be other guy”. I know he’s trying to get with her because he’s jealous and is the type that the grass is always greener and he’s willing to abandon another kid for his own selfishness. I don’t want to be an asshole calling this out and surprised she hasn’t already put boundaries on their conversations.
I want to put logic before the heart and just tell her the truth that I don’t think she’s ready for a relationship. At the same time, I want to be patient for her. What do I do?
4 comments
Be upfront and point out the details that her ex was toxic and they are now not together. Be logical that for her mental and emotional well being the conversations between her and the ex should only be about the child, not themselves or their personal lives or their past. She needs to put up boundaries with baby daddy and continously reinforce those boundaries with him.
As for yourself. Let her know what you want longterm. If you two have been dating exclusively for 6 months what is her problem taking the next step?. If you are wanting a relationship that is leading to a serious commitment, let her know this. Yet at the same time since she has an issue with commitment, start looking elsewhere for what you want. Be honest and tell her that if she does not want to take the next step of commitment then you will start dating others, if this is your intent for validation.
She’s not ready to be with you. I would let her go or turn her into a friend. She can’t do what you want her to do right now and she’s pretty clear with it too.
i would save your self now … she isn’t ready for a long time yet !
this won’t end well.
Is she autistic? That could explain her difficulty in forming attachments, but with that, I’m stumped. How long was she with the ex that she did sleep with him and she still seem so be attached to him? Because if it’s shorter than you, I would say her unresolved feelings for her ex is what the attachment issue is.