**Background**:
* I have been seeing her for a few weeks now. We live in a small-ish town and have quite different schedules so our first few dates were all in town. Last week she came to mine for the first time (during the day) – we only had a few hours as I was leaving on a work trip (where I am now). We got to first base or so and had a great time.
* I am normally quite confident with sex even when I am really into the other person but with her I am now really nervous about the sexual side of things.
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**The ‘problem’**
* In my dating life, I had accepted I am never going to be dating a supermodel / the sort of girls you see on Instagram but that I can still date people I personally find attractive (for their personalities as much as their bodies)
* I am used to dating ‘normal’ people in my league and have actually become quite confident when it comes to sex and dating – so much so that I now find ‘normal’ people more attractive due to good experiences (I am very grateful for this).
* This new girl is someone I NEVER thought I would have any chance with! Not saying she isn’t normal but she is extremely extremely attractive. The sort of person I would look at and think ‘oh if only I was a 10/10 man maybe I would have a chance’
* Weirdly – I am less worried about her not being into me than me not being able to relax and get turned on by her – maybe because of previous conditioning to be more into less attractive people?
**My thoughts:**
I think I got so used to blocking out fantasies of being with someone like her. So much so that I actually somehow got less turned on by her and so feel quite nervous about sex and performing.
I know this is a strange problem to have and I hope it makes sense.
I am hoping that people here can maybe share similar experiences or give me advice on the situation. Is this sort of feeling common?
**TLDR:**
I am seeing someone extremely attractive but weirdly find it harder to be turned on by her as I’m used to dating more normal people. This is making me really nervous about sex in a way I haven’t felt before.
5 comments
stop rating people on a 1-10 scale like they’re some sort of status symbol. Just date who you’re attracted to and who wants to date you? It’s not a competition, you don’t need to sort people into buckets or classes. It’s just people.
Maybe you’re learning a couple valuable lessons
1 beauty is on the eye of the beholder
I know this is a cliche. But it’s also true. Granted you might be attracted to her and think she’s a “10” but not everyone will feel that way.
2 chemistry is a very real thing
You could meet someone who i attractive and on paper it should work but then when it comes time, there’s not compatibility on a biological level
Have you considered that for you sexual attraction/arousal isn’t just about physical appearance? How do you and this girl connect on other levels? Do you have interests in common? Do you have satisfying and intriguing conversations? Outside of any intimate activity, do you in general enjoy spending time with her?
The way you wrote this, it seems worth questioning if you’re actually attracted to this person, or are just aware that they are conventionally attractive.
Other than that, you’re beginning to overthink the situation that hasn’t actually occurred yet.
There’s an idea behind the concept of behaviourism, that we react emotionally to the meaning we give to situations rather than the actual situation itself.
In this respect, you’ve considered what might happen when you meet with this person. You’re then evaluating this prospective meeting in a negative way and becoming more and more anxious about it.
Sounds like you’re still good to meet with though, so no massive issue. Just try to have fun and see how things go.
This is just my take and I am by no means an expert on anything. As someone that’s been on both ends of that scenario.
When some people date someone they feel is “out of their league” it can be intimidating and trigger insecurities. It may be something you’re conscious about or maybe it isn’t. You don’t feel like you’re as attracted to her because she challenges your self confidence, which can cause you to put her into that fantasy category. Since you’ve gotten use to accepting that that category isn’t really attainable, you’ve shut off some feelings revolving around it as well.
Some people don’t want a SO that is considered very attractive because then the threat of competition is greater. Being with someone you consider “above your level” can cause all kinds of anxiety, insecurities, and doubts.
BUT the same concept of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” doesn’t just apply to women. She obviously finds you attractive so accept that. She’s sees you in a way you don’t see yourself, so run with that. Use that to boost yourself up instead of bringing yourself down. I guarantee you she does not consider herself out of your league or above you on the attractiveness scale. 😉