i (18F) broke up with my boyfriend (19M) of four years today and i’ve been feeling extremely distraught.
i ended our relationship because i felt that our anxieties have been limiting each other lately. we were in a long distance relationship, since i go to college across the state. i wanted us to take space in which we could each focus on ourselves. however, while i was trying to break up with him and explain to him that this was something i needed to happen, he continuously begged me not to leave and not to hang up the phone. his mom finally had to come in and hang up with phone for him.
i feel awful, and i miss him so much but i want to believe that i made the right decision. i think this time to ourselves is important for our growth as individuals, but i keep worrying that i permanently damaged him by leaving him. i made it really clear that if he was okay with it, and when (and if) he was ever ready for it, i wanted to be friends and maybe even think about getting back together.
TL;DR: i feel guilty about breaking up with my boyfriend and i’m not sure if the guilt is normal
4 comments
CLARIFICATION: his anxieties were surrounding my drinking and partying, and the fact that i’ve lied to him in the past about how much i’ve drank, smoke, etc. my anxieties were caused mainly by the pressure i felt was being put on me to be a girlfriend who never drank or went out with her friends.
Absolutely not, you owe him nothing. Live your life
Don’t be friends, that’s just cruel. Make a clean break, block him on everything. Most guys are different from most girls in this one area. Imagine a boyfriend that you were desperate about broke up with you but said you could still fuck, just not be together. That’s what it’s like for many guys to be friends with a girl after breaking up. It’s more like torture and the opposite of helpful or kind.
Don’t hang the possibility of getting back together over him. Don’t keep him as your backup plan. That’s disrespectful.
Be more mindful with your relationships, you can hurt people very badly despite having good intentions. Ignorance won’t be enough as an excuse, people will still hate you for your missteps in romance.
If he is ever ready to be your friend then he is completely over you and has continued on with his own life, what would you be to him besides a bad memory at worst or nostalgia at best? And he wouldn’t be getting back together with you if he had moved on, since that implies he’s in a new relationship now.
What you’re describing is not a kindness.
It’s over. Let it be over. Block him on everything.
Yes, you should feel guilt and remorse. You made promises and assurances to someone who adored you, and now you’ve broken your promises and his heart.
It’s normal to feel guilty that he got upset by this (and it’s normal to be upset when you’re dumped), but you’ll get over it with time. The relationship clearly wasn’t working anymore.
Don’t go back on your decision, even if he begs you to. Definitely don’t do it because you pity him. Rule of thumb of dating exes again is: have the issues that caused the first breakup been solved? Ask yourself that whenever you feel like dating him again.