(Dear reddit robot voice youtube please don’t post this, she’ll be guaranteed to see it)
I (21M), have been with my girlfriend (22F) for almost 2 years now. We are each other’s firsts so I always knew there would be a lot to figure out in the bedroom. We are also long distance so opportunities to better my skills and help her reach orgasm are few and far between.
That being said, I’m still starting to feel bad about my inability to. I’ve lurked and read articles and watched guides, and definitely made progress in making her feel good that she, herself, has noted, but advice like “ask her what she wants” rarely helps because she always answers that she doesn’t know.
She masturbated before we started seeing each other, but can only consistently get off with a vibrator and never personally opts for the manual approach because it “takes way too long”. As such, when asking for tips on which techniques she likes more etc., she usually draws a blank. She makes comments like “you know how to finger me better than I know myself”, which sounds flattering, but makes me sad since I don’t even know enough to get her all the way there. I try not to make it a point on an agenda to make her finish outwardly, but inwardly, my confidence drains with every failed attempt.
When we do have sex, whether it is going down on her, fingering, or PIV, she mentions that she gets to “plateau” where the feelings are very intense but can’t push past it to finish. Eventually she gets exhausted or just loses the pleasure entirely and we stop.
The obvious solution to me was to introduce vibrators into partnered sex. I even bought her a better one with more battery and better settings that she loves. Unfortunately, when we tried to combine the efforts of, say my fingers, and a vibrator, the sensations to her feel “distracting” and she fails to orgasm regardless. More often than not, sex ends with her just asking me to stop so she can finish herself off with just the vibrator.
I’ve asked her to try masturbating by hand to understand her own body better, but she leads a busy life and knowing her, she hasn’t ever set out the time to do it. I asked this of her 4 months ago and asked for an update a month ago and she told me she hadn’t gotten the chance to yet. I don’t blame her. Setting aside 40+minutes for a suboptimal masturbation session will never be high on anyone’s priority list,
Recently, however, she visited me and she rejected almost all my advances and we ended up having sex once in a 10-day period. She did, however, masturbate with the vibrator I mentioned earlier almost daily over that same span. I confronted her about it and she said she thinks maybe the constant failures in the bedroom are slowly turning her off from having sex with me. I can’t say I was blindsided. Despite her previously always sounding understanding and reassuring me that we’d figure this out and we were both just new to all of this, I knew that patience would reach a limit. It did, however make me angry since she hasn’t made nearly as much of an effort to figure out her own body.
At the end of the day, I still love her and outside of the bedroom, our relationship borders perfection.(Or at least as close as one can get with all this distance) I would hate myself forever if I lost her over bedroom performance issues. It hasn’t come to that, but it’s only inevitable if nothing changes.