My boyfriend (M22) and I (F20) have been friends since we were in our early teens and have been dating for roughly 5 months now and things have been great. We love each other deeply and were planning on moving in together too. He’s the person I trust most in the world.
That being said, a few days ago the two of us as well as some of our friends went to a carnival parade (at which people tend to drink a lot) in our hometown. My friends and I had been drinking quite a bit, my boyfriend however stayed sober as he was our designated driver. We were walking inbetween two groups that were part of the parade when one guy from the group of men behind us slapped my behind 3 times.
He hit my behind so hard it still hurt an hour after it happened and I was pretty shaken up afterward as I’d been SA’d before in my life and have rather severe trauma because of it. My boyfriend (who knows about my history) was walking right beside me when it happened and saw the whole thing – yet he didn’t do anything to protect me, defend me or call the guy who did it out on it. Now my boyfriend is around 6’1 or 6’2 and quite muscular, like going to the gym 6 times a week for the past 5 years muscular, so he looks quite intimidating.
Because of the way he looks and because he’s told me multiple times that I don’t have to be afraid of others because he would protect me, I expected him to stay true to his promises (which he made a lot of) and defend me. But he didn’t do anything.
To top it off, one of his best friends knew the guy that harassed me. As soon as I told him what had happened, he started pressuring me into not pressing charges (as I knew his name and everything). He wouldn’t leave me alone for 2 hours and kept guilt-tripping me into letting it go and defending the guy who did it.
My boyfriend stood beside us the whole time his friend did this and he said and did nothing to defend or support me.
When I asked him about this later on he told me that he doesn’t know why he didn’t do anything.
Since then he has apologized multiple times and I wholeheartedly believe that he is sorry for not standing up for me, but what’s done is done. I feel very weird and uncomfortable around him and I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. I used to feel so safe with him and now everything is different.
I don’t want the relationship to end, I want it to go back to the way it was but I fear that that might not be possible. Everything was perfect before this incident and now I just feel empty inside when I look at my boyfriend.
I don’t want to lose feelings but right now I just feel empty and alone. I’ve tried looking past it and trying to go on as before. But when he spent the night at my place yesterday, I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. I felt uncomfortable hugging him and cuddling in the night. I couldn’t sleep properly because I’d get a horrible feeling in my gut and stomach anytime he got too close to me – I feel as if any love I’ve had for him is gone or surpressed.
I still want to love him and I want to forgive him and I want to trust him – I don’t want our relationship to end, I want it to be like it was before any of this ever happened.
I don’t know what to do, please I need advice
Do I end the relationship? Do I just try and pretend nothing happened? What should I do?
EDIT: Thank you for all the support, it means a lot! But I feel like I didn’t clarify some things enough.
My boyfriend was not the one pressuring me into not taking any action. His best friend told him he (the best friend) knew the name of the guy but didn’t want to tell me, which my boyfriend did call him out on and told him to tell me.
The day after it happened my boyfriend wanted me to go to the police and report what had happened and supported me in everything and he’s been great in terms of care, etc. and very understanding of my needs and boundaries since.
Apart from this incident he’s been treating me better than anyone else before but loyalty means a lot to me which is why I’m so conflicted.
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32 comments
Of course you can’t trust and love him dince you know he will not be there for you when an energency comes.
I guess you should just let this relationship die instead of dragging it’s corpse along the way.
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I don’t think I could trust him either. He doesn’t know why he didn’t intervene? Did he even see the problem? I would leave. If he feels that sort of stuff is okay and normal and not something he needs to speak up against, then he is part of the problem.
If my bf was a worm he would STILL stand up for me. There is absolutely no excuse. Get rid.
The real question is do you want to be with a man who won’t do anything when you are asaulted and pressure you not to seek justice when it happens?
There’s some really crappy advice here. You were assaulted while he was standing next you. His friend harassed you for 2 hours after the fact. He did nothing both times. This isn’t a matter of HOW you want to be defended and communicating better. Did he check that you were okay after it happened? Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like instead he’s apologizing for not doing anything instead.
Like, dude KNOWS your history and still did nothing after the fact. Literally he did nothing. He didn’t even “apologize” until you asked him why he did nothing. His actions have shown you he doesn’t care enough. It doesn’t matter what his words say at this point, because his actions contradict them.
Your relationship will not go back to how it was because he’s proved to you he’s unreliable. Ignoring it means he “gets away” with not standing up for you and he’ll continue this pattern.
You are very young and you don’t want to waste time with men like this. Another way to look at it: if your girl friend told you this story, what would you tell her to do?
Take it from a 30-something: don’t devalue yourself with people like that. It sucks that you’re seeing who he truly is now, but be happy you’re not living with him (Cos that makes it harder to leave). There are many more men in the world who wouldn’t put you in a situation like that to begin with.
ETA: I read OPs edit and it doesn’t change anything I’ve said. Dude might be on his A game now, but why wasn’t he when it happened? I get it may have been a “freeze” response, but seriously, you see someone you love get assaulted in front of your face and you do nothing except let your dumb friend berate her for 2 hours and beg her not to make a police report? But now, the next day, bf wants you to make a police report? What?
I have a freeze response in situations like these (as the person being assaulted). But any moron’s lights will go out if they physically assault someone I’m with.
I think you need time before a decision can be made, but hopefully you end up leaving him. he needs to be educated on why sa is such a big deal, and how to recognize it, and also why its BAD, cuz the guy doesnt seem to think that
Fuck this guy you mean your ex right?
If something as “simple” as this can happen an he can do easily stand there an do nothing what if someone else comes an does something worse?? He’s not gonna do shit to help you
Press charges, and dump the boyfriend for trying to talk you out of it (because WTF?). But please tell me you weren’t expecting your boyfriend to escalate the situation by assaulting the guy or something. If so, that’s not cool. Did you have a chance to act in self defense or did it happen too quickly? If not, then he didn’t have time to act “in defense of others” either.
He may be large and intimidating but that does not mean he reacts well under crisis. It looks like he has a freeze reaction to physical violence. This is how he is wired and takes slot of training to stop.
I spent years as a bouncer and body guard and seen this reaction a few times . If you don’t feel safe then you know what to do.
Therapy is a MUST for the both of you but especially in your case. There are a few questions I must ask to get clarity on some things:
1. What would you have liked him to do, exactly? Did you want him to hit the guy? Yell at him and keep walking? Or would’ve a fake gesture of machismo sufficed? I get it as to you would’ve liked him to do SOMETHING but you also have to consider…
2. Would you have been fine with the outcome of him being injured or potentially killed over a slap on the behind? Many men have died coming to the defense of women who have felt harassed. Last but not least is…
3. He probably isn’t a fighter. Just because a guy is in shape and muscular doesn’t mean he can fight. Has he ever fought anyone in a real fight before? I grew in the the South Bronx, early ‘80s and you had to learn to protect yourself as fights were almost daily. Some guys are all show and no substance but you can’t hold that against him if he doesn’t have the pedigree.
With all this being said, if your life was on the line and he put you directly in harms way then that is inexcusable. Sometimes it’s better to deescalate and diffuse a situation. The outcome of a confrontation could’ve been bad. Forgiveness is your choice but please consider alternatives for staying together
My wife gets her arse slapped by a random and he’d be picking pieces of his nose out his mouth for months and i his nose from my forehead.
This reminds me a lot of how some male friends of mine were the sweetest, most caring and loving guys when we hung out one on one. Based on how they treated me when we were alone I would have trusted them with my life. Then I hung out with them in group settings with other men, and they never said a word in my defence when anyone got nasty or inappropriate towards me.
I cant say for sure, since none of them could ever explain it to me, but I suspect that they were just too scared of risking their place with the guys to stand up for me. They couldnt have my back, cause having my back would challenge their standing with the boys.
Considering how a friend hounded you to not report the guy that touched you, since he knew him, it seems like this could possibly be something similare.
ETA: None of those friends who didnt have my back are still in my life btw. People who only want to protect me and be there for me when we’re alone, cause they value their social place amongs sexists and harassers more than me and my safety, arent people I want in my life.
Yeah this is done OP. Your soon-to-be ex just showed you who he is and I don’t blame you for not feeling safe around him any longer. It’s up to you whether or not you want to accept it, but things will never be the same and holding on will lead you on a long path of grievance and depression. If you’re still struggling to make a decision, talk with as many people as you can and give them the full story, especially family.
I’m sorry this would definitely give grounds to break up. The fact he knew & let you get SAd is absolutely disgusting. He let that slide once and no doubt he will do it again if a situation like that happens again. Once trust is broken its almost impossible to get back and if you stay with him you probably ultimately end up resenting him for what he didn’t do.
Your boyfriend was worse than useless, a completely impotent spectator to both you being assaulted AND some other asshole harassing you afterwords to keep you quiet about it.
“He doesn’t know” why he did absolutely nothing? That’s not an acceptable answer. He can figure it out while he’s single and maybe he won’t be so useless for his next partner. I don’t think you’re ever going to be able to get over the sight of him standing right next to you and doing absolutely NOTHING, nor should you. For all his talk about protecting you he showed you that when the chips are down he’s a nonentity and having him there was no safer than you being alone.
I could ALMOST understand him doing absolutely nothing while you were assaulted. Sometimes people freeze in those situations. It’s infuriating after all his tough talk about being your protector, but you might have been able to get past it. But then he stood there again where there was no danger at all and let someone berate you for two goddamned hours and try to pressure you into doing nothing and he STILL didn’t step up? Inexcusable. There wasn’t even any danger to paralyze him that time, social pressure alone was enough to get him to completely abandon you. You can not count on this guy for anything. You sure that’s a partner you want?
*Ex-boyfriend.
Look nobody knows how they’re react after smth shocking but he’s had plenty of time to do smth, anything to help you. Fuck him and his friends. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them
You want to marry a man who can’t stand up for you despite him promising to all the time??? You wanna have kids w a man like that?? What do you think he’ll do if your daughter or son gets assaulted, he’s going to let someone browbeat them into not reporting it. It’s sickening!!!
I remember after I was sexually assaulted and I was telling my friends and family to try and get some support bc I felt like I was drowning and all I got was blamed for not doing anything and got told ‘yikes’. I got no good responses or any help at all
Yeah no. He did not protect you specially when he had told you in the past that he would. So if you don’t trust him, I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t either. Now it’s just his guilt making him do these things.
Will you ever be able tontrust him.or will you keep going back to this incident?
Because now whatever he says or does, you might double take or be unsure if he will really follow ypnor if he’s just saying it for the sake.of it
Do you want to live in doubt or would you rather someone follows their words with their actions? You’re an adult so you know better how this will affect your future. Just be real with what you visualize for your future.
What you see now is what you get, don’t think about what the potential of your boyfriend could be because he may never get to his full potential so take what is now and envision future with it and if you could live like that.
My partner of almost five years knocked an overly drunk “macho man” ass hole who kept dancing waaayyy too close and aggressively In front of me. (We were in the back of the crowd where older people and children tend to hang, not for moshing) He warned him once , and then straight punched him in the chin. He fell, and my partner was wrongly kicked out of the slipknot concert. In return , I found ass hat again, asked a stranger for his beer and threw it in his face and laughed. I was promptly removed as well lolol
It solidified that me and my partner have each others backs no matter what. It showed me that he is the man who will protect me fiercely, and that he would always stand up to defend me or any one he loves.
I can’t imagine my man having this reaction. I would never stay with someone like that.
For perspective, I was the same age as your boyfriend when a drunk guy at a hockey game pushed my wife into the glass to try and get a t-shirt that was thrown over the glass by the mascot. It was intentional, as he was laughing about it, and I reacted immediately to defend her. I’d thrown him to the concrete and was about to start raining punches on him when I was pulled away by four other dudes. Someone went and got security and they escorted the drunk out while I was still being held back by the other guys. There should’ve been an immediate reaction to protect you by your boyfriend. Not necessarily going after the guy and starting a fight, but something defensive and protective. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he hides behind his muscles in hopes no one will challenge him. Either way, I wouldn’t feel safe around someone that let me get groped and did nothing about it.
So many people talking shit. Did your boyfriend handle this badly? Yes. Was his response natural? Yes.
Fight, flight, freeze and fawn are real responses anyone can have to a stressful situation. If you don’t have training or have encountered similar situations enough before it’s impossible to know how you will react. Shaming OPs boyfriend for his reaction is just shitty.
As for OP, I’m sorry this happened to you and that you can forgive your boyfriend for his reaction.
Oh. If another man even gets close to me my husband is on alert. I don’t know what would happen to someone who touched me….
And my husbands friends know better. They respect me not to be foolish
Yeah. Your boyfriend is not safe
He is essentially saying, its more important to keep peace with the guys, than to protect you and have you feel safe.
This is not someone you can trust in a dangerous situation where you are risk of harm. He showed you that. A guy literally puts his hands on you and he just watched. Yuck.
This whole comment section is pretty much screaming TOXIC MASCULINITY.
As if every guy would jump and fight a stranger for such thing.
From OP edit you can clearly see he in fact did something just not anything violent.
For real, I can’t count the time while in clubs or similar my exes got touched without consent and all. What I am suppose to do? Fucking fight anybody? I can intimidate people but I am not willing to end up in a police station or in a hospital because of a slap on the ass.
Beside that all the guys talking though would probably end up with a black eye and their fedora on the ground.
All that comes to mind for me here is “you can’t unring that bell”. I wouldn’t trust him to protect me after his tragic lack of action. But that’s just me.
Don’t believe what people tell you, believe what they show you. Your boyfriend and friend showed you everything you need to know about them in situations like that. Take some time and really think about what went down and their reactions at the time not day’s later.
If you do not feel safe with him this relationship is not going to work. When you’re in a relationship you must always feel safe and if you do not then it’s up to you what you’re going to do
Everyone is the hero when it’s an imaginary scenario. Very few actually step up when something is happening.
He’s finally been put on the spot, and he’s one of the ones who freezes or looks away.
Now you know.
It’s probably the right call not to trust him on standing up for you anymore. Even if it’s not something he’s doing on purpose, he’s clearly not reliable. Whether you stay or go, don’t forget that, because that quality in a person typically does not change.
You might be wondering why you feel the way you do now? It’s because he didn’t stop the assault or you being pressured to drop it. His silence speaks to him accepting their behavior. And if he accepts that behavior he might DO that behavior. You are afraid because he has proven himself to be untrustworthy and now you have no clue what he is actually capable of doing.
Straight up, he didn’t “defend you”, or step in to stop it, or anything. I do not ever advocate violence on others’ behalf. That is a personal decision. He made his choice and I’m only commenting based on what you posted.
My ex and are friends were at fair years ago when some guy came up and grabbed my ex’s ass and I mean a full, deep into her crouch from behind, full hand grab and squeeze. I didn’t see it happen since I was talking to some other people at the time but When I saw my ex, she had a look of pure terror on her face. She told me what happened and pointed to 3 guys just over a railing from us. I screamed at the POS and he raised his fist at me and shock it. Worth mentioning at this point, I was a Marine and home on leave. I went up and over a railing, a good 3′ above him, landed on him and rode that SOB to the ground pounding him in the face repeatedly. I got another good 4 or 5 punches on him on the ground before his 2 buddies could react. One tried to kick me from a little too far away and just made contact with the side of my chest and it glanced off. I kicked him in the nuts, trying to drive them deep inside his body. He screamed, fell over, and cried/wailed like, well, some dude just kicked him in the nuts. No such thing as a fair fight. The third guy took off running. I remember turning around and watching the first guy trying to get to his feet. I was about to start taking him apart piece by piece when a rent-a-cop security guard and 2 legit Deputies caught my attention. There were half a dozen people that saw what he did. IDs were produced all around, and stories were confirmed by more than enough people. I spent a good half an hour in the parking lot with the cops repeatedly questioning me about what happened, the asshole and his buddy screaming at the cops to arrest me. I thought I was going to jail but once the cops threatened to arrest them they shut the hell up. They told me to next time call 911. The guys were released and trespassed and we split, the mood was blown after that. I didn’t stand there and have some thought process going about if I should do anything and I’m sure plenty of people, esp on Reddit, will think I overreacted, but no I didn’t. If you are stupid enough to walk up at a woman and do that, you deserve to have your ass pounded into the ground.
So people have different default reactions to stress and conflict. The most common ones are fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
It’s a bullshit and toxic part of our culture that stereotypes all men as having a default ‘fight’ response, and heavily punishes/shames men who don’t have that as their default response.