Hello everyone, it’s my first time posting on here. I found all the stories posted here to be encouraging, but it’s time I share a bit of my own struggles.
For context, I’m a 17 year old (F) and I recently immigrated to the USA all the way from South Africa. Adjusting hasn’t been too hard in some ways — I was immediatly blessed with a large group of friends. The thing is, although I like these people so much, and find them to be extremely interesting…I find it immensely hard to connect to most of them on a personal level. I rarely understand their jokes, though I always pretend to laugh along. Though I hang out with this group of amazing people, when it comes to 1-on-1 conversations, I always find myself looking for something to say. I can’t connect with them on a deeper level, no matter how hard I try. I try to inquire about their day, their hobbies, their lives…but even still, the conversation is usually swift or without any real value. I rarely reach out to my friends outside of school — not because I don’t want to, I DO want to, it just feels like I don’t have anything to say. And the lack of connection makes me wonder if they’d find it strange for me to contact some of them out of the blue.
As a result, I can’t help but feel extremely alone. And as an immigrant in this country, with no-one with me but my brother and parents, all busy in their own time, I desperately long for a deeper and more meaningful friendship.
When people make jokes or reference shared memories from the past, I mostly react awkwardly. I hate to be the one person that just constantly says nothing other than, “Oh, that’s funny,” and laugh awkwardly, however that is where I find myself constantly.
The school I go to is one that starts in pre-K and ends in the 12th grade, so most of the students here know each other extremely well and all get along. I feel like an odd one out, and it’s hard to relate to their stories when it differs so wildly from my own. Everything I had in South Africa- all my own inside jokes and funny tales with old friends – is now reduced to ashes. Even though I want to tell people, it’s never as great because no-one truly understands me, my language, or the background. And no-one ever asks more about it, because to them, it simply isn’t all that interesting. I don’t blame them. If roles were reversed, I would’ve done the same thing.
I also wish I was more bold, outgoing, and confident. My entire personality is that of being “nice”, and I’ve been described as such my whole life. I always compliment wherever I can, and encourage those around me to the best of my abilities. I enjoy making people feel better about themselves and helping them see the good in themselves. Beyond that, I feel like I’m of no value at all. I can’t make jokes on the spot (beyond bad puns), I don’t feel too confident in my looks, or anything about me. I feel rather bland, although I DO know that I do have some qualities that I just don’t show as often as I’d like.
I love my friends, don’t get me wrong. But as much as I feel like I don’t know them well enough, I also feel like no-one here knows the true me, and that everyone only sees this “nice, boring girl” and nothing else. I don’t blame them, it’s all I’ve ever shown them. But I don’t know how to show anything else.
I also don’t even know who I really am anymore at this point, either. I’ve buried it for months now.
Anyway, this was a whole rant, and I’ll end it here. Thank you if you’re still reading, and sorry it took so long just to ramble without end.
But if I don’t get these thoughts out now, when will it ever come out?
6 comments
In my opinion you need to become more comfortable with yourself. This is your country, you belong here, and I’m happy you’re here. So are your friends. Orient yourself with a sense of belonging. Plus you’re young and you’re still developing your personality. Give yourself some time to come in to your own. Make yourself comfortable, you’ve got plenty of time.
You need time to adjust. Don’t be harsh on yourself.
Bro I’m not an immigrant but I got the same problems, you’re not alone dude✌️. You could try talking to your friends about your home country and the experiences you had there, you are the expert after all and this way they can get to know you better
I’ve had and still have the same problem. It didn’t go all that well for me. I still have no one and it’s hard, really hard.
But I didn’t really had the others supporting me. They were kind of rasist. In your situation, instead, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll adjust in time, maybe. If you know english well and talk like them, the things that are still missing may come in time.
The other immigrants I know, they are always with others from their own country. I didn’t have this option, tho, and I guess you don’t either.
I’d ask. It could help to ask when you don’t understand something. They’ll understand. They should understand. I think it can get kind of annoying when someone just laughs and it’s not real to himself, don’t you think?
Maybe instead of just laughing along to every joke, pick one a day and ask a friend “hey I don’t get the reference can you explain that”. Because if you keep pretending, they will keep ignoring your invisible needs.
It will take many months to not feel like such an outsider. In the meantime, develop some locally-relevant hobbies, like join a school club. Ask your friends what clubs or after-school activities they do. Probably one of them will want a friend to come to one.
As an inmigrant humor is one of the hardest things part of the culture that you internalize because sometimes we just don’t get it. I am Colombian living in argentina the last 15 years and there are a lot of jokes that makes no sense to me.
Patience, learn a lot about the pop culture of the country and begin to undestand the way of thinking of the local people. Engage conversation asking for explanation of who that character was or the situation but try to do it in a curious way, never asking why is funny or why they are laughing and maybe smile at the end of the explanation to make thins amicable.