So, my wife is disabled, almost completely. This means that anything that gets done around the house falls to me unless she decides to do something in her immediate area. Now, she doesn’t have any problems at all calling me over and telling me absolutely everything that needs done around the house.
I get it, she’s disabled and I’m not, everything will fall to me. Problem is, sometimes she’s got lists that feel endless. Like, go do the dishes, then switch the laundry over, put the dogs out, get their food and water ready, straighten up the living room, take out the trash, bring the dogs back in, I’m hungry so you need to make food…any there’s no breaks between. Soon as I’m finished with one thing, she’ll bring up something else. Some days, it’s a little much and I feel like I need a break. I try to tell her, “hey, babe, you’re giving me a lot here, you’re overloading me, please stop and give me a break.” This just seems to make her mad and she will ignore me and talk over me. This has led to me snapping at her multiple times, getting called an a-hole and saying I always start fights, and I’m an even bigger a-hole for disagreeing. What do I do?
7 comments
Your request is fair and it sounds like you’re suffering from caregiver burnout.
If you don’t mind me asking, how is your wife disabled? It’s not possible for her to contribute at all? Or at least feed herself? Would is also be possible for you to hire part-time help?
It is a lot to take care of someone who is disabled, especially if they are disabled and also very demanding. Are there no relatives who can help you out? Can you afford to spend the money to send her to some sort of activity for disabled people for a morning/afternoon, so you both take a break from each other? You definitely need to take a break in between work, or else you’ll end up on the news ’cause you killed your wife out of resentment. Sit her down and tell her that while you love her, you’re only one person, and she’s demanding too much from you. Tell her that from now on, there will be a schedule for regular chores and her care, and that you will have break times as well. Don’t expect the house to look perfect because there’s no need, and there will be no chores after 8 pm except minor things like you making a quick snack or putting her to bed. Follow through with your plan even if she complains. She will eventually come around.
You need help and a break. Your wife is disabled, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it all by yourself. You need too look into having someone come in a few times a week and clean the house. What about family, can they help?
Obligatory Reddit advice of get therapy for both of you.
Cheeky off colour humor of just leave the room and take a break. See if she can stop you.
I worry since you don’t mention the disability but it does sound a little like she is projecting her own issues on you. I feel like short of being completely immobile she can do plenty.
I know several people with serious disabilities that take care of a great deal for themselves. Naturally I don’t know the scope at play here but let’s just go with Reddit rule number 1 and get some therapy.
You either hire help, or get a divorce.
There’s few things worse when doing a lot of jobs than being henpecked. You need to put boundaries around this or you will end up with massive resentment.
I’m assuming that she became disabled after marriage? That’s a big adjustment for both of you. She is adjusting in a way that makes you unahppy. Discussing this with a 3rd party present feels important.
my first thought is “great!! she gets mad and doesn’t speak to OP?! awesome, keep pissing her off”
You need a caregiver that isn’t you.
If you don’t have family, then you need to hire someone.
If you can’t hire someone, then you need a divorce.
If you don’t want a divorce, then you need to learn to keep your mouth shut and be a care giver.
You need a break, She needs to stop it. If she doesn’t slow down, then you don’t get a break. How are you going to tell her and make her believe she is overloading you, if she already doesn’t believe it?
Flat out say “we are getting a care giver, or we are calling your mom to help!” if she doesn’t like it, then I guess you need to go somewhere else until she HAS to call someone to help her, or do it herself.