My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now and we are both in graduate school so we both live busy lives. Sex wasn’t a big problem earlier in the relationship, as a matter of fact, it was fantastic. Every sex act or gesture was reciprocated in some way that we both fell in love sexually and believed that we were compatible. Fast forward a couple of months and she has grown very passive during sex and started finding reasons to decline sex (whether she is tired, she has a lot to do the next day, or she feels that it feels funny down there) which was never a problem during the first couple of months we were dating. We now only have sex very late at night because she wants to get everything done before we have sex and she pulls the reason for why she is so passive in bed now as being too exhausted. We used to have sex 3-4 times a week but now if I’m lucky we have sex maybe once or twice a week now. She later told me she is struggling to find an attraction for me and said she would work on it. I told her that finding attraction is just not possible and if she lost it for me, then there is no hope in this relationship, and she thought that she can work on it, and with a lot of disbelief, we still carried on because I still love her. After that problem was dealt with, I was faced with her sensitivity. I try to penetrate and she complains that it hurts and wants me to pull out immediately. My dick isn’t even that big, but she said it just hurts sometimes so after an hour of foreplay to get her wet, I get a cold-hard rejection when I was ready for days. The worst part is she never offers to give me a handjob or blowjob, or other ways to deal with rejection and when I ask for it, she almost makes me feel guilty for asking for such things when she cannot have sex with me for whatever reason/problem she claims to have. The last time I ever got another form of sex besides penetrating like a blowjob was 10 months ago… She also never lets me do things that I like in bed, like going down on her, because she thinks that it doesn’t feel like anything, but those things make me. turned on and I asked if I could do that if it doesn’t hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable, but she rejected that as well because she doesn’t see the point in me doing that if it doesn’t make her feel good. My sexual frustration grew so big and honestly getting rejected sex for so many times has absolutely shattered my ego. After reading about so many similar stories on Reddit, I initiated a conversation with her and discussed how I feel and everything and how this is an occurring problem but she was furious that whenever anything goes wrong with sex, I make a big deal and I am being a “drama queen”. She also said she never saw lack of sex as a problem because she always had different reasons as to why she couldn’t have sex me (these reasons were “I had an exam the first Friday of the month, and next week I was on my period, and the week after I was too tired from all the things that happened on the previous week for having exam stress and period hormonal fatigue, and the last week of the month I had family plans and I had to go see them (only over the weekend though) so I wasn’t in the right mind to be having sex and it felt funny down there and I had a stomachache and headache so I wasn’t in the right mind to have sex” etc…this on repeat almost every month) She was basically telling me that because she had different reasons that she has no control over because she is very sensitive, she couldn’t have sex with me and she never thought this was a problem because as far as she sees it, her reasons/problems that prevented her from having sex with me didn’t last longer than couple days or weeks. I told her that throughout all that time, I lacked sex and that is a problem I am having, and she confronts me saying “Do I owe you anything in terms of sex? Don’t sound like I owe you something” I am honestly so tired of this conversation and I need some advice on Reddit. Please give me any advice. Thank you.
10 comments
You’re having sex twice a week, I’d say that’s pretty regular. It seems you just have different sex drives and that’s fine but that just means you’re sexually incompatible dude. You’re allowed to have expectations and wants but she’s allowed to have boundaries too and that’s fine, it’s just how it works. You just have to decide if that’s something that you can deal with longterm.
If twice a week is a deal breaker, then it is time to have that discussion with your girlfriend. Sounds like the two of you have different expectations; and it may be time to consider moving on. This happens to a lot of relationships. Best of luck.
I don’t even have intercourse once or twice a week! Lol, I’d say that’s pretty damn regular man. My fiancé has a lower libido than me, and I wish I was having sex twice a week but I highly respect her and don’t necessarily value sex as much as others might in a relationship. Unfortunately, it seems she doesn’t find sex as important or simply has a lower sex drive— possibly due to outside factors. Who said YOU were the problem? It seems she has her own things going on. Try engaging more with her emotions, and ease into sex. Pleasing a woman isn’t all about sex, she might need more than that. I’d say, your relationship might be running it’s course if you can’t handle her boundaries. Good luck.
Honestly, it sounds like your girlfriend is exhausted, stressed out, and having physical health problems, and you express zero empathy for what she’s going through.
I think it’s pretty reasonable to turn down sex because you have an important exam or you’re feeling sick.
You’re having sex twice a week. That’s not bad, especially when one partner is struggling emotionally and physically. Instead of pestering her for more sex, why don’t you do something to help ease her stress rather than increasing it.
Take this kindly (b/c I’m making a joke) but do they not teach you how to use line breaks in grad school?
That was a whole big block o’ text to simply get across a pretty simple reality: the two of you are currently sexual incompatible with one another and worse yet, you’ve entered into a “[negative dance](https://www.couplescounselingtexas.com/new-blog/find-the-bad-guy)” filled with mutual resentment and frustration.
I’ll cut to the chase: there’s a possibility the two of you could get past this but I’m not optimistic based on the details you have to share here. The dynamic you two have is already fairly dysfunctional and it’s hard to get back from that once each of you have spiralled down into that negative dance.
I think the most telling thing you wrote is that she said she’s lost her attraction to you and I agree with you on this: it’s hard to recover that and you can’t force it. Attraction is something we *feel* not something we *do*. People can recover attraction for their partners but that requires both of them to figure out where it got lost to begin with and then changing patterns to help restore it.
It’s a lot of work and time with absolutely no guarantee of success at the end of it.
And it can be very hard to distinguish between “a relationship that hit a rough patch but can be improved” vs. “a relationship that’s dead but no one wants to admit it.”
Personally, it sounds to me like you two are in the latter and that you’d be best off parting ways. But if you want to try to make this work, couples counseling would be an obvious step to take together…not to try to rescue things but rather, to figure out if it’s even rescueable at all.
You are both in graduate school. It seems that your GF is more committed to her graduate program than she is to you. Don’t expect that to change. Once she graduates and starts a career it is likely that she would be even more work oriented than relationship oriented.
It sounds like you have already talked about the symptoms, but not the cause. Ask her where you fit into her priorities and be ready to either break up or be satisfied with a roommate that you occasionally have sex with.
Honestly, there seems to be a lot of headwinds with your relationship. I suspect there’s more problems than just sex. And I get a sense that’s there’s an undercurrent of bitterness flowing both ways between you two.
Ultimately, relationships are work and both parties have to put the effort in to make them work. Often (but not always) libido is less of an issue when the rest of stuff is going well.
In terms of what to do that’s up to you. You’ll need to look at if both of you can put in the work. If you don’t think that’s going to happen then no one is bad person per se. It just is what it is.
I stopped when she said was exhausted. Find out why she is exhausted and find out what can you do to help alleviate it.
Move on bro. Plenty of poon to smash out there. You’ll regret not leaving earlier when she dumps anyway because you’re suddenly sexually deviant for asking. And if she says she’ll do better just move along she’ll later say you made her have sex with you to keep the relationship. A women that truly wants you will fuck.
She is admittedly not attracted to you sexually and makes it your problem and even thinks you owe him apologies. Doesn’t sound right.