I have a coworker, we will call her Linda, who I absolutely adore. Linda is obese and often makes jokes about her weight, but I can tell certain situations are uncomfortable for her. I strive to treat Linda equitably and try to anticipate her needs – For example, I wait with her if she needs to stop on a hill when we are walking outside, and my coworkers and I make sure that there are chairs without arms for her to sit in at events & meetings. (She never asks for special treatment and always thanks me profusely for waiting with her, and I always say that’s what friends do!)
However, I’m really struggling with how to make her comfortable in social settings. We went to a movie together once – The theatre had Dreamloungers, which are larger chairs, but I could tell the armrest between us was squeezing her. I offered to put it up and she immediately said “No, I don’t want my fat touching you.” I respected her wishes but I said “Linda, I want you to be comfortable.” (I then thought about how maybe I could have bought 3 seats so we still could have sat next to each other and she would have had her own room without the armrest.) The movie was so fun, but it really bothered me that she was uncomfortable.
Fast forward to today: I invited several coworkers, including Linda, to a one-woman musical that I’m super excited about at a small theatre, plus lunch. I sent personal texts and not a group message. Everyone said yes, except Linda, who said “Thank you but I will pass.” I told my partner that I was bummed she said no and he replied, “Babe, she probably can’t fit in the theatre seats and doesn’t want to tell you that.” So I texted if she’d like to join us just for lunch, she was totally welcome to, and tried to laugh it off that I knew not everyone was a musical theatre nerd like me. She said she’d love to join for lunch and said that she did enjoy theatre but honestly, she knew she couldn’t fit in the seats. 🙁
I called the old director of the theatre and she said they could add a chair for Linda on an end cap and that it would be no problem, but I don’t want Linda to feel singled out or embarrassed. I was thinking maybe I would visit the theatre to see the setup, and then offer the accessible seating to Linda if she wants it.
How would you approach this situation? Linda is very social and very fun, and I think she would go if the seats weren’t a barrier. Would it be socially acceptable for me to research the accessible options for her and chat with her about it privately? I really want to get this right.
Thank you for any advice.