Okay, context time:
We had been dating for 6 years and we broke up 2 years ago. We were temporarily doing long distance at the time since she had to move to a different city for a year because of work. It was tough because we had become very co-dependent. I was also very depressed at the time, and she was overwhelmed with everything going on with her life and decided to break things off. I wasn’t given a chance to resolve our problems and any attempts to try to make things work from my side were dismissed. The break-up happened over text/call. She said that she loved me but our situation was difficult, and that I was bringing her down, but we should take the time apart to grow and get back together when our circumstances become more favourable because she didn’t see a future with anyone else but me. However, she then went on to ask for no contact and tried to cut me out of her life. But since our finances were intertwined (since we had been dating for 6+ years) we had to stay in contact.
Within a week of our break-up, I find out that she had already hooked up with multiple people. I know that we had broken up and all, but it still hurt. This continued on for a few more months. We had started to talk more during this time and decided to stay friends. I too started going out on dates. Nothing serious. My ex was clearly jealous though. A month passes and she tells me that she wants to get back together and give our relationship another chance. So, I thought, why not. We took it slow at first (we were still living in different cities at the time, and it would be another month before we could meet in person).
When we finally met, it was amazing. However, she would often bring up people I had gone out with, because one my dates had tried to call me one time. I didn’t pick up. (I had made it clear to them I wasn’t interested but they were still trying to contact me.) My partner accused me of not making it clear to them that I was dating her now. The accusations and distrust really hurt, considering everything that happened between us. I understand we both have our insecurities, and I am in no position to judge her for her’s because she has had very different experiences than me. I have been very supportive. I also have some trust issues and resentment because of the break-up which got worse because of all this. I communicated my feelings to my partner and told her that I just need some time and reassurance from her. And it seemed like we had worked it out and things were going well.
Until last week when she told me she had snooped through my phone a month ago while I was drunk. She went through my old conversations I had with my dates and such. There was nothing to find on my phone obviously but just the fact that she did that makes me feel uneasy because those were texts that I would not want anyone to read because they were from a time when I was really depressed and am not proud of what happened. Again, these were conversations from before we got back together.
She has apologised multiple times since and keeps asking me if I am going to break up with her. She feels very guilty about everything and acknowledges that she can’t blame me for things that happened before we started dating again.
If this was an isolated incident, I would not have cared as much. She is an amazing person and I know that this was a momentary lapse in judgement. But everything is adding up. My insecurities and resentment have gotten worse, and I feel the need to do to her what she did to me. I know it is not healthy and I’ll just end up feeling guilty and be a hypocrite. Revenge won’t help anyone and will only end up ruining the relationship more. I don’t want my partner to have to deal with any of that. She wants to help me in whatever way she can, but I just feel guilty about not being able to put all this in the rear-view mirror.
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I would love to hear your thoughts and inputs. I need to hear a third-party opinion because I am too invested in this emotionally at the moment and I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. I have asked my partner to give me space, but I can’t expect her to wait indefinitely.
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TL;DR
My(F26) partner(F27) confessed to me that she went through my phone while I was drunk. This incident happened a month ago and she told me about it last week. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. We have talked about it, and she feels terrible. Please advice!
1 comment
This is a huge violation of privacy. I’m sorry. It’s good that she apologized but as the saying goes, guilty people often throw the first stone