Hi all I need some outside advice on this one.
So, my birthday is one day after the mitzvah celebration but it is an out of town celebration so we will need to take a plane ride to get there Fri and leave Sun (landing at 4, I negotiated for an earlier leave time). I have never met this portion of the family and there are a few things factoring into my query on the matter.
1. We just got a house and are doing major renovations on almost every aspect with a bathroom reno, international trip (with his immediate family) and a wedding coming up. Fiancé is pretty frugal and always harping on saving money.
2. I don’t think he would willingly go without familial pressure (this is just my opinion though)
3. He is not religious at all (i ask him questions about the major holidays and he has no idea) and I was raised catholic (not really religious now)
4. I don’t have any close non-immediate family (my parents and one sibling two grandparents left are my only family) and don’t understand this sort of thing. And he never seems sentimental about his extended family, often remarks how cold and uncaring he is, how he doesn’t like anyone (he isn’t like that with me)
5. It’s my birthday and my family wants to throw me a bbq/pool party when my birthday is finally on a weekend and just being honest (prob being selfish) don’t want to spend it on a plane/ at his parents house. Have tried to get us out of going.
6. I think I the a$$hole here but my mother disagrees, says he is choosing to celebrate non immediate family over me. Friends say he has good reasons for going but maybe going about it the wrong way.
He already booked the plane tickets and I don’t want him to go without me. How do we come to an agreement? Do I just not understand family traditions? I just have a negative feeling about this and am hoping I can change my mindset and get some outside opinions!
2 comments
Not sure how it’s worked for you thus far but I don’t know many people as adults especially who celebrate their bday on the day. They make plans before or after to have a weekend or something.
I don’t understand why you guys can’t have your bday party on a different weekend.
These kind of family events are an opportunity to see everyone all at once and if you’ve never met these people, I’d think you’d want to—this is the family you’re marrying into which to me seems more important than your bday being celebrated on the precise day.
If your family had made the plans first then I could understand not going to the other celebration. When there’s a scheduling conflict, it’s pretty common to go with whatever was booked first. And when you’re a couple, you have to learn to work together on your schedule.
At this point, the tickets are purchased. I suppose you could still not go but that would look pretty bad to his family and honestly pretty selfish. “Oh yeah, my fiancée didn’t come because she wanted to have a pool party with her family.” 🤷♀️
I dunno. I’d just book the pool party for the weekend before or after the trip. But I’m one who hasn’t celebrated my bday on the day for most of my life so it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Yeah, maybe I get flowers or cards and some calls on the day but dinner out or a party? Not usually.
A mitzvah is a big deal. (You mention you were raised Catholic, perhaps you’re not getting the significance of it.)
You celebrating your birthday on a day that isn’t the exact day is not a big deal – you are 28, not 8. (And even then, surely you had parties as a kid that were not on your actual birthday?)
Just because you haven’t met them before (as we head into another year of an ongoing global pandemic) doesn’t mean they aren’t important to him as non-immediate family.
And is this trip … to the town where your partner’s parents live? You say you’ll be spending it “on a plane / at his parents’ house”. So this mitzvah is a good reason to see his parents who also live a plane ride away? Hmmmmm.
If you don’t want to stay with his parents then don’t. Get a hotel. That seems reasonable. Or, don’t go. But don’t ask him not to go if he wants to go.