I am not quite sure what information is needed to get the best answers or where to start but here goes. I am asking for perspectives on a topic, that recently came up with a woman I am dating, from all over the spectrum (for, against, don’t care) and the good, the bad, and the ugly.
First, a little background info to help shed light on the situation. I (almost 40M) have have been dating a woman (35F) whom I enjoy being with. We have been together almost 3 months now. She has allowed me to feel things I haven’t felt in a several years. I dated around for a couple/few years (mostly OLD) before meeting her through a hobby we both do. At the time we met, I wasn’t honestly looking for a relationship (sounds cliché?) but something inside of me pushed me to go for it anyway. Recently, we have been having some conversations about where we’d like this relationship to go. She has no kids and never been married but wants to get married and would like to have 1 kid. I currently have 3 kids from a prior marriage with my youngest being 9. I had a vasectomy 8.5 years ago. I have informed her of this and she seems okay with it as there are other options to having a kid and she seems to be into me (at least her actions point that way in many ways). One of those options is sperm donor, assuming all other methods fail. Up front, I am not comfortable with the idea, and I think the main reason for this is explained below. However, I do like this woman so I am giving it due diligence (research and anecdotes) before coming to a final answer. I will be honest with her either way and let her decide what she wants to do with the information however she believes is best for her.
What I believe the main hang up on a donor is as follows. My last marriage ended due to infidelity (on her end, not mine) and she claimed initially it was not her fault. At the time of the incident, we were on a trial separation (dumb on my part haha) and ended up getting back together after a month. As time went on, I found out it wasn’t the case. I also found out that my ex’s infidelity left her pregnant. I had my vasectomy by this point and we weren’t exactly sleeping together, so I knew it wasn’t mine. When I found this out, I about lost my stuff. My ex was obviously unsure about what she was going to do about it. I, on the other hand, knew with 100% certainty I was not going to take care of it nor live in the same house as it. I told her this and gave her the ultimatum of either the baby goes or I go. To this day, I don’t regret this. We ended up being together about another 11 months before finding out that she was still talking with the guy and had also slept with him at least twice before we finally separated for good. We had a rocky divorce (has been 2 years since that was finalized!). We are amicable as co-parents now.
Let’s have the hypothetical situation that me and this new woman decide to move forward with the relationship. Fast forward 2-3 years, we are now married and find out that I am no longer able to have kids. The idea of my new wife being pregnant with some other dude’s bio-baby doesn’t sit well with me and I think it’s mostly due to the aforementioned events. I understand that the circumstances are quite different but I think one of my biggest hang ups will be the inability to attach to the baby inside of her knowing full-well that it isn’t mine biologically. And if that does indeed happen, then that’ll just breed resentment on her end and I fear if I fake attaching to it will breed resentment on my end. I think the other issue with this is that I believe we’d make a cute baby. Like I previously stated I am trying to give the topic due diligence and come to a rational conclusion, be honest with her, and let the dominos fall where they may.
I would be open to adoption and would rather have the kid either be both of ours or neither of ours (biologically). What I gather from her so far is that she’s more interested in being a mother to a child from a very young age (get that motherhood experience) than the pregnant aspect. Though I am unsure if she’d prefer the child to be hers biologically or would be okay with adoption.
I’d like to get responses from men who’ve gone the sperm donor route, family members of husbands, and just other things to maybe consider from those in the scientific / psychological fields. What are the long term effects of utilizing a sperm donor from an emotional and psychological/mental point of view? I want to hear stories and viewpoints from all over. I don’t want sugar coating but please share if you have stories (good or bad).
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**TL;DR**: Woman (35F) I am dating wants a kid at some point, I (\~40M) currently have 3 from prior relationship and a vasectomy. I am open to idea of a possible kid with her (4th for me) but sperm donor is one of the options. Prior marriage had infidelity causing ex-wife to be pregnant with other dude’s child. I believe this caused the idea of any woman I marry to be pregnant with another man’s bio-baby to not sit well. After casually dating a few years, I found someone I really like being around and want to give the idea due process before coming to a final conclusion. Share your stories / thoughts on possible emotional and mental issues that may arise from using a donor!
10 comments
How are you going to be available as a father to a 10 year old with a baby in the picture? Did your first wife remarry? Do your first kids have a father figure if you’re not living with them? Having another child might not be in the best interest of the children you currently have.
Do not get a sperm donor. You can reverse vasectomies.
Oof. Yalls situations seem to incompatible.
> I’d like to get responses from men who’ve gone the sperm donor route, family members of husbands, and just other things to maybe consider from those in the scientific / psychological fields. What are the long term effects of utilizing a sperm donor from an emotional and psychological/mental point of view? I want to hear stories and viewpoints from all over. I don’t want sugar coating but please share if you have stories (good or bad).
Ok. No sugar coating.
3 months? You don’t even know her. You don’t know if she’s crazy. If she’s got past trauma. If the newness will wear off tomorrow or in 2 years. You like being around her you say… how do you even know who she really is?
Screw all the talk about having a kid, whether it’s biological or via adoption… you know absolutely nothing about her.
You didn’t even mention your relationship with *the existing three children* and what that means for their lives. Are you active with them at all? Involved?
If you want a psychological perspective… I find it ludicrous you’re thinking about sperm donors and possibly adoption after having a relationship for 3 months. Absolutely bonkers bat shit crazy.
> Share your stories / thoughts on possible emotional and mental issues that may arise from using a donor!
Oh.. I don’t know… have you ever thought about how that child might feel after their tumultuous childhood heading into becoming an adult? Yea, let’s think about that one for a bit cowboy.
Do you want a kid or not. I don’t care if she does. Do you? Do you want to be responsible for this kid until you are almost 60? Even with a sperm donor her chances aren’t good with geriatric pregnancy. If you don’t want to be responsible then move on. It’s that simple. If she wants to have a kid she can. She doesn’t you. In fact the only you a really providing us financially and emotionally support
>The idea of my new wife being pregnant with some other dude’s bio-baby doesn’t sit well with me and I think it’s mostly due to the aforementioned events.
>I think one of my biggest hang ups will be the inability to attach to the baby inside of her knowing full-well that it isn’t mine biologically.
Yes, it does seem like that’s the case. If 35F plans to use a sperm donor, the resulting child(ren) wouldn’t be genetically related to you, and that’s reminiscent of what happened with your ex-wife (i.e. the woman you love having a child with someone else and expecting you to act as a father to that child). To you, this child would be “someone else’s child”, not yours — and you’d be constantly reminded that despite being the one to raise them, you aren’t the one who participated in creating them.
>I would be open to adoption and would rather have the kid either be both of ours or neither of ours (biologically).
So this clarifies that you find the medical act of her being impregnated via a donor, a moral transgression upon your relationship and a slight against yourself. If the child is adopted, you can simply tell yourself that they popped out of thin air, because 35F wouldn’t be carrying them — so _you_ wouldn’t be betrayed.
I’m not going to say you should “just get over it, because the child isn’t guilty of your past”. This is a serious hangup and, frankly, it sounds like an irreconcilable boundary.
You’ve only known this woman for 3 months. You weren’t even actively looking to date, but fine — anyone can change their mind on that, not that big of a deal. But if it took you needing to get accustomed to the idea of dating, getting accustomed to the idea of having another child (especially in these special circumstances) is a MUCH bigger hurdle to overcome.
She is within her rights to bring a child into her life any way she sees fit; it comes down to you examining whether this relationship is good enough that you’re willing to go to therapy and see if you can reconcile with your past, or if this situation is legitimately something you don’t want, past or no past.
As others have mentioned, you are asking the wrong questions and are grossly incompatible in this area. By the time it is smart to have a child with this woman (years away), she will probably be too old to do so safely and easily.
You have other children who were here first and should come first. A newborn takes a lot of time and energy. It’s kind of crazy that you just went through a horrible experience with your ex and are ready to jump headfirst into such a serious situation with a practical stranger (three months is nothing and not near enough time to really know someone).
This is just not meant to be unless she is cool with adopting after you all have been together a while. And in that situation, if bonding with a sperm donor baby is an issue, how do you figure bonding with an adopted child will be any easier. Sounds like you’d need therapy to work through your issues either way you go. Step parents bond with children not biologically theirs all the time, so you feeling unable to is definitely more to do with your unhealed trauma with your ex.
Well, I’m not a man. Not from scientific/psychological arena either.
But I’m darn smart and know how to do research. These are your best options for having a biological child with this woman:
“To be able to have children after a vasectomy you can undergo a vasectomy reversal or try In vitro fertilization (IVF) and intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) using aspirated sperm.Sep 14, 2017”.
Some medical providers are starting to cover these costs, but I think those are few and far between.
Cost to extract spermicide after a vasectomy:
“If it is performed in a hospital or surgicenter, the costs are generally much higher than if it is done in an office. The total cost of a sperm aspiration including freezing will generally be somewhere between $3000 and $12,000 – depending on the variables mentioned above.Dec 13, 2020”.
Cost of Vasectomy vs. IVF:
“If a man who hopes to have more than one child in the future, or has a partner with whom he will be able to conceive naturally, a vasectomy reversal may be the more cost-effective option. It is important that every couple trying to conceive address both the male and female side of fertility.Jun 17, 2029”.
I would suggest conducting your own research and then discussing these options with your partner.
Personally, I would never opt for a non- biological child for many reasons, which are none of anyone’s business (saying this for any haters out there who want to shove their opinions on me).
I follow adoption cases as a hobby. It’s a freakin nightmare. The background checks, the promises, the waiting, the chance you’ll get a Caucasian baby are slim to none. If you’re okay with raising a non-biological child from a different race, have lots of time to wait and fill out paperwork and don’t have one tiny little thing on your criminal record, then adoption might be right for you. Ask around.
What happened to the pregnancy? You guys stayed together so did she abort?
My friend has 1 kid with her ex. 2 with her husband. He got a vasectomy young with his ex. They have used a sperm donor for their 2. Different donors. So alll 3 kids have different dads and ethnicties.
I think its very very strange you think you wont bond with a kid because its not part of your dna.
Kids are a blessing. No matter where they come from. I have 3. My husband and i would like to have 4 but are hopeful that 4th will come through fostering or adoption.
Being a good parent has nothing to do with if your parent looks like you. That truly is some backward hillbilly shit you are projecting.
Don’t do it. 3 months of dating and your planning kids together? Mate you have no idea if this relationship will go the distance.
On top of that your planning a sperm donor, but will take full responsibility for the child? So what happens after that bond is there and she kicks you to the curb??
You need to seriously back up and look at this from an outside perspective without your conflicted emotions. It’s almost the exact situation of you staying with the ex and raising an affair child. You have all the liability with none of the actual parental rights if things blow up.